Husky Plans

ST. CLOUD, MN (AP) -- Will it happen? That is the question that is on the lips of many St. Cloud residents this year. Will the local college hockey team, the St. Cloud State University Huskies, finally get over the hump and win a playoff game this year? Many a teams have tried and many a teams have failed. From Mark Parrish to his brother Geno "Clown Hair" Parrish to Tyler "Chubbs" Arnason to current players such as Garret Roe and Ryan Lasch, they've about as successful as Crystal Clear Pepsi. Residents are upbeat this year though as the Huskies are 10-1-1 in their last 12 games and believe that the Curse of the Llama may finally be lifted in a few months. Parties at The Red Carpet and McRudy's are already in the works for this momentous occasion, there is a rumor that a ticker tape parade down University Avenue is being planned and local seamstresses are bidding for the right to make a banner.

Husky fan Zack L. said "This is the year, I can feel it. And mark my words, the Schlitz will be flowing when the clock hits zero. Beating Clarkson will be the greatest moment of my life."

Other Husky fans aren't quite as confident though. "It's been the same [censored], different year for twenty years now. Why would this year be any different?" said a SCSU fan who did not wish to be identified, "I won't believe it until I see it. I hope they prove me wrong, but I doubt it."

Whatever happens, opposing fans are having a field day with the developments and rumors. St. Cloud State has frequently been the butt of jokes and it appears that Huskies fans exuberance and pre-planning will not help in this regard. Fans from Colorado Springs to Houghton, MI are laughing hysterically at the giddiness emanating from St. Cloud. "Seriously? Seriously? All this exsitemint over the beleaf that they'll actualy win won game? Its pathetic." said Eric B, "Call me when you win one, much less SEVEN championships."

Whatever the results at the end of the season, one thing is for sure, St. Cloud fans have something to look forward to.

The GGACPDS

HI EVERYBODY!!! BILLY MAYS HERE! Direct from Heaven!!! Does your hockey coach frequently get confused or momentarily loose his sense of direction during games? Did it start with him standing on the boards? Did you try correcting this problem by presenting your coach with a compass? Did this only produce looks of befuddlement upon his face? Were you a bit concerned but also certain this was all there was to it? But it wasn't all, was it? He's progressively been getting worse, hasn't he? He's now walking on the ice, isn't he? You have looked high and low for a solution to this problem but to no avail. Am I right? Well then have you come to the right place! This has been a constant worry of hockey fans in the Colorado area since 1994 and finally after 16 years of research and hard work, we have found the solution!

Introducing the George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System or GGACPDS!! Yes, we are working on the acronym.

With this system not only will your hockey coach remain perfectly aware of his surroundings and remain on the bench with his players but he will also refrain from complaining to the officials for the entire sixty minutes of a hockey game! But don't take our word for it, let's hear from the system's namesake, Dancin' George Gwozdecky!

Thanks Billy! Hi, I'm Dancin' George Gwozdecky and for years I have suffered from momentary lack of reason while coaching the University of Denver. I frequently lose my sense of direction and wander about. It is much like sleep walking as I don't even recall doing it when I am shown the video. I finally decided enough was enough when on January 24, 2009 I jumped on the ice and wandered around in a game against the University of North Dakota. After watching this video and seeing the excuses the University of Denver announcers had to make up for my actions, I knew I needed help. I turned to Billy and he found my Godsend.

Just look at those Before and After pictures of Coach Gwozdecky! He goes from roaming all around the ice to calmly staying on the bench! All because of the GGACPDS. Now you may be asking yourself, But how does it work, Billy? Will it hurt our coach, Billy? How much does it cost, Billy? Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks. One question at a time!

How does it work?
It's as simple as can be folks! You just put the "Behavior Correctional Device" around your hockey coaches neck and define your boundaries (i.e. where you are going to allow your coach to roam). Most coaches are held within the boundaries of the player bench, but it's really up to you. That's the beauty of this system! It's CUSTOMIZABLE to your situation!

Will it hurt our coach?
The correction from the device may be uncomfortable and startling to your coach, but it will not hurt him. Many coaches only feel the correction once or twice and don't challenge the system afterwards.

But our coach has to leave the bench at intermissions, Billy. How will your system handle this?
The GGACPDS is just as easy to remove as it is to put on. Just have a trusted assistant coach or athletic trainer use the finger print scanner located on the GGACPDS to remove it from the coaches neck

Since you can't see the GGACPDS, could people become frightened when they see a "loose" coach?
No, not at at all. Your GGACPDS professional will provide you with bench signs to inform fans that your coach is safely contained by the GGACPDS.

Can the GGACPDS be used with a pregnant coach?
We have found no evidence that the system has any detrimental effects on pregnant coaches. If you however have concerns about putting the GGACPDS on a pregnant coach we recommend you consult with your team doctor.

Are there any types of coaches who can not be trained?
While we believe that any coach should be able to be trained, we've found coaches at Ivy League schools to be pompous pricks who often refuse to be trained. It is really up to the individual coach and whether he wants to be trained.

Can the GGACPDS be used on my basketball coach?
We have no idea. Who cares about basketball?

How much does it cost?
How much would you expect a system like this to cost? Similar systems sell for upwards of $259.

The GGACPDS will not cost you that much. We are happy to bring to you the introductory price of three easy payments of $49.95. That's right for less than $150 you too will be able to keep your hockey coach from ever being confused or lost again while a game is being played. Is this a great deal or what?

BUT WAIT!!! That's not all!! If you call right now with a credit card you'll get a second GGACPDS for only the cost of shipping and handling! But that's still not all!!! For those extra special coaches who after getting lost on the ice "forget" rules and "accidentally" use headsets comes the Headshocker!! It works just like the GGACPDS but comes in the convenient form of a headset!

If you insist on paying by check or money order, you will not receive the second GGACPDS but will still have the option of receiving the Headshocker!! for less than $150. Just send your check or money order to:
George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System
1602 Brent Sucks Drive
Plymouth, MN 55441

So call now and get your GGACPDS along with a second GGACPDS and the Headshocker!! All for only three easy payments of $49.95 plus shipping and handling!

Battle of the Big Reds

What is the greatest Big Red to rule them all? Have you not often wondered this? Exactly! So why has this question never been posed? Political Pressure? Laziness? Fear of the Mob? Well I am not scared and I will investigate the answer for this question.

But is not Big Red the greatest British gum since [Ummm???]? Can we not vote on this?!

Well said, Will Ferrell. This is obviously a rhetorical question though as there is no doubt that it is. Other than the fact that it isn't British. But that isn't the point. The point is that Big Red is an awesome gum. I absolutely love cinnamon gum. It is the best flavor of gum and Big Red is the best cinnamon gum. This makes it the undisputed king of gum. So it's the Budweiser of gum. Except it doesn't suck.

If there is one negative about Big Red it is that it's is one of the official gums of the NBA. That is a major negative, but I believe Big Red overcomes this with it's awesomeness.

Still I think Big Red Gum is pretty tough to beat. It's an early favorite.

Big Red Pop. And yes it is pop. If you argue with me, you are just plain wrong and you deserve to be beaten with a shovel. I hate you. Big Red was invented by a guy named Grover. That is a major plus as Grover is just a sweet name. Any time you use a name from Sesame Street, you're alright in my book. A+.

Big Red has some negatives though. One of which is that I've never had it and don't really want to have it. Another is that it has become cocky and started making all these other flavors too. Way too show-offy if you ask me. And also not original naming. Thumbs down. It also proclaims itself as America's #1 Red Soda since 1937. There are two problems with this.

1. Way too cocky. #1 Red Soda since 1937? Really. Prove it.
2. IT'S POP.

Big Red Soda is not endearing itself to me. All talk and no substance. No thank you. An embarrassment to the Big Red name. Shame on you.

Western Kentucky's Big Red. What is it? Where is it? How is it? This guy girl thing whatever is beyond description, so let's just cut right to the chase.

Positives

• Eyebrows can be used to great comedic effect
• Can fit an entire Subway Party Sandwich in mouth
• When gets drunk at party, has easily identifiable WKU marking on stomach
• Scares old people
  

Negatives

• Eats children
• Can not procreate
• Due to being constantly sunburned, will learn of melanoma at next doctor's visit.
• Head confused for giant gumdrop
• Frequently racially profiled when driving to work

Big Red is obviously much better than the pop, but doesn't quite measure up to the gum. That is nothing to be ashamed of though. Big Red Gum is just that awesome.

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

End of competition. It is all over. Can you honestly think of a more awesome dog than Clifford? NO, YOU CAN NOT.* Clifford rules. I think I read like one of his books ever, but I still recognize his awesomeness. Clifford is the Johnny Cash of children's books dog. There is nothing Clifford can not do. If Clifford came along 350 years earlier, he would have invented calculus. Clifford would bring about World Peace if he was just asked. There are no negatives to Clifford.

Final Rankings

1. Brad Malone
   
2. Clifford the Big Red Dog
3. Big Red Gum
4. WKU Big Red
5. Cornell Spirit Football
6. Red Foreman
7. Anything Big Red
   
8. Anything Red
9. Anything Big
10. Big Red Pop
    

*Snoopy does not count. Snoopy goes beyond the dog genre. Snoopy can not be contained into one single genre because Snoopy is Snoopy.

Gopher Crackheads

What a surprise. Everyone's favorite Minnesota Gopher Crackhead, Nate Hagemo Tyler Hirsch Jeff Dubay Dr. Rockzo no wait yes Jeff Dubay, is back in the slammer. Puffy has once again failed a court ordered drug test. How many tests did he fail? One! Two! Three failed drug tests! AH AH AH! What is wrong with this putz? I mean seriously, is it really that tough? It really must be for the average Gopher player/fan/rube as there sure are a crap load of them running around. Why I bet in two years or less the Gophers will have enough crackhead convicts to form a line, pun intended.

This might be a good idea the more I think about it actually. Look at the current Gopher team, they absolutely suck and are seen as bunch of underachieving unmotivated losers by their fans. Is that not exactly how you'd describe a crackhead? I thought so. This means Gopher players are already halfway to being crackheads and all they need to do is take that final step. I say Minnesota players look to their Superfan for guidance on this last step and try some illicit drugs. Smoke some crack, huff some paint, pop some pills, eat some meth, inject some heroin. If they need one final push, why not go to Winter Park and get tips on how to become an Oxycontin addict from Grandpa Greaybeard? It's not like they could be any more of a disappointment.

The Frat Came Back

Old Coach Hakstol had troubles of his own
He had a Frat who drunk around Grand Forks would he roam;
He said please stop but The Frat said no way,
So he sent Frat home and far away.

But The Frat came back the very next day,
The Frat came back, we thought he was a goner
But The Frat came back; he just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea

Now, Finley around the corner swore he'd kill The Frat on sight,
He'd toss his mower with all his might;
He waited and he waited for The Frat to come around,
Ninety seven pieces of the mower is all they found.

But The Frat came back the very next day,
The Frat came back, we thought he was a goner
But The Frat came back; he just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea

Idiotic Maine Fans

For some reason this weekend, perhaps due to sheer boredom, I went to the UND-Maine women's hockey games. As per usual, I was singled out and harassed by security personnel. As per unusual, I did nothing to warrant such abuse. This was OK though and I took it all in stride, partially because of the entertainment Black Bear fans brought me.

Let's start out with Friday's game. I am waiting outside the arena for everyone's favorite one eyed sidekick, Schneider to show up. He was totally late and I suggest he try synchronizing his watch his next time, but that is neither here nor there. While impatiently waiting, a group of Maine fans walked by me. The first thing I noticed was the idiotic jerseys they were wearing and the utterly atrocious customization job that was done on them. I laughed at them in my mind. Finally One Eye shows up and after some shenanigans regarding how to obtain tickets, we go into the game. UND blows for the first period and it's boring. I question why I decided to come to this game. For the second period, Schneider and I go sit down, coincidentally relatively close to the Maine fans.

They are really into the game, which is more than I can say for pretty much anyone else there. It's a close game and I'm pretty bored. Finally in the third period excitement occurs. A Maine player goes on a breakaway. She doesn't score and then runs over the UND goalie. A penalty is called. This angers the Maine fans. They start chanting bad words. Schneider and I make fun of them. About a minute later, a face-off occurs in Maine's zone. I run up to the glass and yell "Hey! I check the goalie! It's legal now!". Maine fans are not amused. Schneider and I are though and that's all that matters. UND ends up "winning" the game in a shoot out. Why they are having a shootout for a non-conference game I don't know, but this is what happens.

Schneider and I agree that we need to come back on Saturday just to laugh at the idiot Maine fans and so we do. We arrive before them and as they are coming over to sit down I notice the guy who I assume to be their fearless leader is wearing sunglasses. Wearing sunglasses indoors is so lame. But there was something special about this guys sunglasses. They only had one lens in them. That's right, the right eye had no lens. What in the world? I took pictures of this goober with my camera phone, but they suck. Schneider and I laughed at this. How lame can you be? Why would you only have one lens in your sunglasses? Puzzling. A few minutes later, I noticed another guy in their group also had sunglasses. And he too only had one lens in the sunglasses. Maine fans are really strange.

Around this time was when I was harassed by security. Maine fans brought in air horns and started using them. This is evidently a big no-no. I was falsely accused and probably nearly kicked out because I wouldn't give up my air horn. It was entertaining though being yelled at for once when I had done nothing wrong.

This game also went to shoot out with Maine "winning". The highlight of this shootout was when the snooty nosed Maine fan yelled "Insufficient Funds!" at us when a UND player shot the puck off the pipe. Made no sense then and makes no sense now. It was entertaining though.

BTW, I'm taking back my take back when I said the Lamoureux Twins couldn't beat up PJ. We sat by them this weekend and they would totally own PJ.

Turkey Tournament

Hooray! We won two games in a row!!! What you see on the left is the high point of the the Bemidji State program. Beating two teams that I don't remember and really don't care to remember either. Matt Dalton's life is all downhill from that exact moment that you see. Soon his life will consist of nothing more than eating Fruity Pebbles, smoking kitty litter and vacuuming out people's cars at the local car wash.

Bemidji is getting a new arena next year. All 12 of the Beavers fans and 1700 of their bandwagon fans are excited about this and think it makes them a big deal. It does not. By some miracle of God, Bemidji State is also getting into the WCHA next year. Well aren't they lucky ducks? Yes. They still don't matter though and will be a bottom dwelling crapsack of a team soon enough. Speaking of enough, I've talked about these losers more than enough. Let's talk about the team that dashed the Beavers dreams last year.

The Miami Hurricanes. These guys really came out of nowhere. I've seen highlights of them on ESPN showing up at the '87 Fiesta Bowl in military fatigues and heard of their crack smoking with 2 Live Crew and Luke Campbell, but that was 20 years ago. Heck, I didn't even know they had a hockey team until a couple years ago. Rico "Mini Gwoz" Blasi is their coach and he's supposedly pretty good at this. I disagree. I'm not going to go into why I disagree because this is neither the time nor the place, let's just say I've heard things involving chickens and the shaving of sheep. Disturbing to say the least.

And what is with their mascot promoting smoking? That's irresponsible. Miami wants children to smoke and get cancer. If that isn't reason to dislike these clowns, I don't know what is. I find it completely unacceptable and downright sickening.

Almost as sickening as I find Ohio State or THE Ohio State as they like to call themselves. What a joke. The caption is absolutely correct, only complete losers find the need to put "The" in front of their school's name in a lame attempt to fake importance. I could talk about the beads around the old man's neck and how he probably put them in "special places" of his two sons, but I've decided to make this into a more family friendly site this year, so you will have to come up with your own theories on the use of the necklace. That old man really needs to get some perspective in his life, BTW. It's a game, stop crying like your wife just died in your arms after being mauled by a grizzly bear. Even better, turn in your man card. Are you really crying over a game? Ohio is such a worthless state. Yuck.