Tuesday, October 30, 2007

UND Hockey: The Winslow's Edition

Did anyone else think Family Matters was a great show? Did anyone else think Andreas Vlassopoulos was awesome as Urkel? How about Brian "Eddie" Connelly's best friend Scott Thauwald aka Waldo Faldo? Well then let's all talk about our favorite episodes. I've got a few:

Driving Carl Crazy. Carl is having stress problems, so he goes to the doctor. While in the waiting room he finds a pamphlet that offers advice of saying "3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me?" when he feels stressed. Instead of talking to a doctor about his obvious health issues, Carl decides to take this advice instead. Great move by Carl. Later on in the episode Carl attempts to teach Urkel to drive. Urkel, being the annoying nerd that he is, just irritates the hell out of Carl until Carl attempts to murder Steve. He chases Urkel around Urkel's POS car and then attempts to tip over the car when Urkel enters it. The attempted murder of Urkel is a frequent theme of Family Matters you may remember and lead to much laughter for all. Instead of murdering Urkel though, Carl nearly kills himself via stress because he had to take the pamphlet advice instead of a real doctors advice.

Robo-Nerd. Urkel creates an Urkelbot. To the surprise of no one, Urkelbot falls in love with Laura because Laura was a stone cold fox. In an attempt to get Laura all to himself, Urkelbot ends up locking Urkel in the closet. He could have locked Urkel anywhere, but he locks him in the closet, that's just weird and kinda poetic or something. No idea why. I do really wonder why Urkel was living with his parents who hated him and continued to go to High School when he could invent things like this on a whim. He was some sort of genius nerd, but he never used these skills to actually do something with his life. Why not? It is dumbfounding to me. What was the deal? He could have sold all his inventions, become a millionaire and been Laura's sugar daddy. For being such a genius, why didn't he ever think of this? Urkel sure was dumb for being so smart.

Surely, You Joust. Urkel and Carl get in a fight. So logically they go on American Gladiators to settle their differences. Or something. Really this was just a pathetic cross-promtional gimmick or something. I mean if Navy Seals regularly got their asses owned on this show, are we really supposed to believe that a 5'6" 300 lb. cop and a string bean uber nerd wouldn't be killed on the show? Urkel would have been broken in half on the Breakthrough & Conquer and Carl would have died of a coronary trying to climb The Wall.

How the West was Won. Coach Lubbock's contract runs out and he is fired. When Mike learns out about this he begins to gather signatures but when this measure fails to bring Coach Lubbock back, Mike organizes a sit-in and Maggie reports on it. Coach Lubbock still gets canned though.

Hey wait, that wasn't from Family Matters, it was from Growing Pains. Ummm, nevermind that one I guess. Though that episode was important in the TV sitcom world as it led to the show Just the Ten of Us. This was a cool show that got canceled way to quickly. I blame the politics that were TGIF. Graham Lubbock just couldn't catch a break. He gets kicked off one show only to get his own show. What happens? After being awesome for three years, he gets canned from that show too. What a screw job.

What does any of this have to do with the UND-Colorado College series you ask? Well nothing I guess, at least not the Just the Ten of Us part. I just thought this was a forgotten show that deserves some recognition.

Sioux sweep this weekend.

Monday, October 22, 2007

This Entry Sucks

Not surprisingly I'm already getting tired of doing these stupid things. So yeah, we'll see what happens here.

Michigan Tech is supposedly the new super good team in the WCHA. Well isn't that super? I don't care. They are going to lose this weekend because they won't be able to score on the best defense in the country. So suck on that.

They obviously don't have enough to do in Houghton as evidenced by this stupid giant snowball. What an utter waste of time and how totally pathetic. They were going for a World Record for, obviously, the largest snowball. I don't remember if they got it and frankly I don't care.

Here we have the Tech club Water Polo Team. Yeah, enough said. Water Polo is completely awesome and this picture has nearly ruined my appreciation for that awesomeness. I am forever traumatically scarred. Screw you, Michigan Tech.

Tech students with Lewis Black. Way to be 8th grade cool and flick the camera off guys. Notice the moronic shit eating grins on everyone's faces but Black's. That's because he knows how utterly moronic this is. What a freaking waste. Black looks utterly miserable and I don't blame him.

So the games. Sioux will sweep again because they are just better than Tech. Plus they are pissed from last year's debacle. Oshie and Duncan each get three goals on the weekend and Kaip scores at least one. JPL might give up his first goal of the year or he might not.

Let's see if we can get even less comments on this one. Since when I put actual effort into these entries, I get nothing for a response but Goon's horrible abuse of the English language, I figure why care any more?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

You people do realize that the letter "R" is part of the alphabet, right?

First of all, lets get this out of the way. Why can't these idiots pronounce r's? It really isn't that difficult. It is just pathetic the way the English language is routinely butchered (never on this blog though obviously).

UND plays Boston College and Northeastern this weekend. I really don't feel like talking about Boston College much right now. Maybe I will later, but as of now pretty much screw them. I will say a couple things about them just so to keep up my high standards. The Eagles have pretty much no experience at goaltending. Because of this freshman John Muse played at the Ice Breaker tournament. I have to give him credit. Being a world renown naturalist wasn't enough for him, he also had to go to a snooty catholic college to play hockey. Plus he's like 170 years old. Just awesome!

On to Northeastern. I could of course talk about this guy. But he sucks, so screw him. Plus he has nothing to do with the hockey game and having something to do with hockey is a very important aspect in things I talk about.

I know absolutely nothing about this team other than the fact that they are named after cardinal directions. To me, this is always a bad sign. Just like you wouldn't attend a school that takes it's name from a porn star, you shouldn't want to attend a school that takes it names from directions. I mean really how silly would it be if you attended "Drive three miles down this road and then hang a left when you hit Washington Avenue then drive about a quarter mile until you see a Pep Boys. Take a left right after the Pep Boys and drive down two blocks. The store should be on your left side University"?

Actually, I do know a couple more things about this crap filled University other than it's poor name choice. I know that they like to steal other schools logos. For proof of this only has to look to the left to see that they blatantly rip off Nebraska's logo. It wasn't enough for them to rip off Nebraska's logo just once though. Oh no, they had to do it twice by puting a dog in their second case of copyright infringement. Seriously, how difficult is it to come up with your own unique logos? You aren't a high school, you could actually put some effort in and come up with something of your very own instead of just copying those of a well known University. Show some damn pride in your school and what it can do you bunch of hacks. Sure your name is absolutely horrible, but don't let that hold you down. Break the stereotypes and do something.

I attempted to have this very same discussion with Ryan Ginand when Northeastern came to UND in 2005-06. I asked him why his school had to copy Nebraska. He wanted none of the conversation and instead just called me ugly. I think this may have been partially due to me calling him Ginard due to a misprint in the roster, but who's to say for certain one way or the other?

I should give Northeastern some credit though. They do actually have a few logos that are all their own and show no evidence of rampant thievery. This one is my favorite. Paws, Northeastern's mascot is about to pounce on the city of Boston and cause untold amounts of structural damage not to mention scores of deaths of innocent civilians. I mean think about it, you are just some random schmuck minding your own business when some huge ass husky appears in the skyline. You run in absolute terror, but to no avail. Paws has seen you and thinks you look tasty. You are as good as dead.

Is this really the image Northeastern wants to project? That their mascot is going to destroy buildings and eat people? Now I admit I'm not in public relations or anything, but I don't think having your mascot destroying homes and eating it's inhabitants is a good way to endear yourself to potential customers. Maybe I'm wrong though.

I think a local area school/university should subcontract Godzilla or Mothra to control the threat of Paws. Imagine the photo-op that would result if say the president of Tufts signed King Ghidorah to defend the city against the menace that is Paws. He'd get a key to the city, be the Grand Marshall of the St. Patty's day parade and be worshiped alongside Tom Brady's jock. What a story that would be.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Hall of Fame Game and JS is Lame

This dingbat above is known as Johnny Spirit and is supposedly some sort of Michigan State Super Fan. A couple notes here about Johnny.
First, he needs to put on same damn pants as he looks like a total dink.
Second, nice bike hat. It's awesome how he even got the brim bent up in an attempt to be at his utmost coolest. But despite this effort, he is obviously not cool. There are oodles of Michigan State fans in the background and not a damn one of them is paying him any attention. Even that kid in the orange hat thinks he's a douchebag.
Third, why the hell is he wearing gloves? He wear no shirt. He wear no pants. Yet he make it a point to wear gloves? What is wrong with him? Not only does he wear gloves but he also waves around crappy ass twelve-cent pom-poms. He looks like he should be in the church bell choir with the way he's holding those things.
Fourth, he has his stupid flag mounted dead center in the line of his vision. That's a truly brilliant move. Nothing like purposely placing a big ol' post right in front of your face.
Fifth, he is riding a women's bike. Yep, you read that correctly, Johnny Spirit is riding a women's bike. What a gutter monkey.
Sixth, back in 2004 this loon had his flag stolen. Who really cares about that though, the article reveals that he has been doing this same stupid crap since the early 90's. Seriously? Since the early 90's? How big of dweebo is this guy?

All these things point to one very obvious thing. Johnny Spirit needs to find a hobby outside of running around nearly naked at Michigan State Sporting Events. Being the kind hearted person I am, I have decided to help Johnny Spirit out with this. Here are a few ideas of what Johnny should be doing instead of emotionally scarring small children with his lack of attire:

Collect Stamps - This is an oldy, but goody. Who doesn't enjoy collecting stamps?................Exactly, collecting stamps is lame and stupid so it matches your personality perfectly.
Rake leaves for the elderly - It's all part of the devious plan. You rake their leaves and then when you go into their house so they can pay you, you steal their Life Alert pendant.
Operate a Meth Lab - By the looks of it, you've obviously done a large amount of it. You may as well try to make a profit off your debilitating habit.
Write a novel - Become the next Ernest Hemingway and write classics like The Old Man and the Sea and For Whom the Bell Tolls before committing suicide. On second thought, skip the novel part.
Become a tutor - Just think how rewarding it will be to help Casey Pierro-Zabotel get into a Community College.
Be a Big Brother - You could take Jeff Lerg on his first roller coaster.
Do Jigsaw Puzzles - Another opportunity to steal old people's pensions and Life Alert pendants.
Take up Cross Dressing - At least you'd be wearing clothes. That would be a definite plus.
Build Model Cars/Ships/Airplanes - This will keep you inside for long periods of time and away from a grateful public.
Become a Cloud Watcher - Good God, this sounds even worse than stamp collecting. Seriously, I can't even wish this one upon you.
Start Gardening - Grow a rose. Grow a plantain. Grow a tomato. Grow a pepper. Eventually you might be able to grow into a real man and get a life.
Treasure Hunting - Now this is just an awesome one. Unless you become one of those pathetic old men with the metal detector on the beach at the butt crack of dawn. Hmmm, now that I think about it, this would likely be exactly what you'd become.
Ham Radio - This is exactly what you need. It's just as dorky as what you are doing now, but it is only among other nerds.

Johnny Spirit should pick one of these hobbies or find one of his own. Ultimately though as long as he puts on some pants and gets off the bike, I'll be happy.

Oh yeah! The hockey game. I nearly forgot! Justin Johnson is from Grosse Point Woods, Michigan. My only question is wasn't John Cussack in that movie? BTW, what is with players being named Justin Johnson? I swear there are like 50 of them playing college hockey hockey. There are more and more every year. They seem to multiply like rabbits or something.

Michigan State may be the defending National Champions, but they are completely boring. I really could not care less about this team. In fact does anyone really care about this team or the university itself? MSU is just the retarded stepbrother of Michigan. It wants to be cool and is forever striving to be cool, but we all know it will never happen. I'm four sentences into my feelings on MSU and I'm already boring myself. In fact, I'm actually yawning as I type this.

This is what will happen on Saturday. UND will win this game 5-2 and Jean-Phillipe will actually make at least a few saves. The Oshie will score the GWG and the Maloney Pony II will run someone over.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I hate Hairy, Smelly, Overweight Mammals

UND is playing their first game of the year on Sunday against the Manitoba Bisons (Bisons? WTF?). What we have above is a nice picture of Bison skulls and bones from 1870. Maybe it's just me, but that looks mighty impressive. They didn't even have automatic weapons back then and they still managed to completely mow down a shitload bison skulls. Think how many bison these guys could eliminate nowadays. With the dedication that they show, I have no doubts that they'd be able to wipe the entire species off the face of the map in under a month. That really has nothing to do with the game that is coming up on Sunday, it's just a cool picture.

Onto the game or at least onto not talking about the skull pile. Webster says that the plural form of Bison is Bison. So why is Manitoba called the Bisons? Do they enjoy being grammatically incorrect? I figured I should go to the Manitoba website as it could contain an answer to this question. Much to my chagrin, it didn't. Instead it just became more confusing as the banner at the top of the home page said "Bison Sports". I was even more lost now. Was it the Bison? Was it the Bisons? Were the coached by M. Bison? What the hell was going on? My suspicion was that they simply didn't know any better mainly because they are Canadians. In an attempt to confirm my suspicion I considered emailing Manitoba Sports Information Guru Chris Zuk to ask him what was up. But then I asked myself, "Do I really want to spend all that time writing an email to a guy who probably won't even respond to me?" The answer was obviously no, I didn't. I guess this means that why Manitoba is called the Bisons will have to remain a mystery for the time being.

The (M.) Bison(s) are coming off of a 14-24-0 season and are coached by some guy I've never heard of. They play in the Canada West Conference where they haven't won a title since 1964-65. That's 11 years longer than Michigan Tech and their last WCHA title. Pretty freaking pathetic if you ask me. I noticed that there are a number of spelling mistakes in the preview. This made me glad that I didn't email Chris Zuk. If he doesn't even bother to spell check the season preview, he certainly wouldn't have bothered to answer my very important question. While there was no spell checking, Manitoba did seem to randomly bold sections of the preview. That's cool, I guess. Well not really, but it does give the illusion that they actually put some sort of effort into producing the preview. After I finished reading this pathetic preview, I wondered why they even made it into a PDF. Seriously, what was the point? They spent like $200 to get Adobe Acrobat so they could save the preview in PDF format and then proceeded to type up a word document. They could've used Wordpad instead and saved themselves some money. Another huge mistake on Chris Tuk's part. This is really seeming to become a theme.

I do have to give the M. Bisons credit for one thing though, their tickets are cheaper than hell. $35 for season tickets. It's gonna cost someone off the street $27 for this game and Manitoba is selling season tickets for $35. Not only that, but you can get season tickets for every sport for only $75!!! That's a freaking sweet deal! Also the order form takes full advantage of Acrobat's capabilities. This tells me one thing, Chris Tuk wasn't in charge of getting the order form done.