Monday, January 28, 2008

Gopher Heroes

Kyle Okposo is a true Gopher Hero. He came to Marriucci and immediately had a positive impact. He along with Tyler "Crazy Legs" Hirsch lead Minnesota to 19-1-3 start. But then the wheels came off. That's of no concern though, Kyle was still a true Gopher Hero. As Gopher Sports says, Kyle has a "no quit" attitude, except evidently when it comes to playing for the Gophers.

Jeff Frazee is our next candidate for Gopher Herodom. A highly regarded goalie coming in to college, he had a very good first two seasons who consistantly stopped shots, as long as Johnathon Toews wasn't the shooter. Then the wheels started to come off. Jeff currently seems to be in a funk. He's having trouble stopping shots, whether they come from near or far at home or away.

Ryan Stoa is a darkhorse candidate for induction into the Gopher Hero inner circle. He sort of flies under the radar, but that doesn't mean he's any less of a hero. Like Frazee had a nice couple of seasons for the Gophers, getting at least one point in over half of his team's games his sophomore season. Then the wheels came off. In the second game of the season this, Stoa was clobbered by a Michigan player and severely injured his knee. He is now out for the year. Quite sad really, but should he recover and return he'll no doubt be the next addition to the Gopher Mural of Heroes.

If these three Gopher Heroes could play this weekend, Minnesota would roll over the Sioux on their way to like a 20 game winning streak and a National Championship. Sadly though none of them will be playing and the Gophers will be crushed. Sioux Sweep

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Suze Hates Dirty

The UAA poster known as Suze seems to have an undying hatred for me and I am not sure why. It seems to me that I'm a well meaning and overall swell guy. Yet Suze hates me with every last bone in her body. I am one of the few people on Suze's "Wall". I'm not really sure what this is or what it really means, but I choose to take it as an honor. I take it as meaning I am extra super special.

In an effort to uncover why Suze has an undying hatred for me, I was going to review the events that have lead to the current situation. A problem arose when I attempted to review these events though. I couldn't find these events. I seriously have no idea what I did exactly. I think it all started when I made fun of Chris "Alaska Fats" Fournier aka The Fournburglar. For some reason Suze didn't like that I called him a fat, lazy bum with a gambling problem. This was probably due to the fact that he was going to UAA at the time and he also happened to be an Anchorage native. Suze would soon learn the truth though as The Fournburglar would pull the same crap at UAA as he did at UND. In the end I was right, the guy was a loser. Did Suze apologize to me though? No, she just continued to hate me and if anything her hatred for me grew.

Sadly this is the only thing I remember about the Suze Hates Dirty saga. If anyone remembers anything else, feel free to share and I shall add it here.

There you go Suze. A blog entry devoted solely to you. Don't you feel special?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Alaska. Truly the Worst State in the Union.

I don't feel like coming up with completely new writing for the UAA-UND series so I'm just going to post an extended version of reasons why Alaska sucks. There are a number of reasons why I don't feel like coming up with anything new, not the least of which is that Anchorage sucks even more than Mankato.

Reason #1
Your average UAA fan. Just look at that shirt. Just look at that tie or whatever it is. Just look at that sneer. Just look at those glasses. Heck just look at those eyes. That is downright scary. It disturbs me thoroughly.

Reason #2

Igloos. Who the hell would actually want to live in one of these things? What kind of moron wants to willing live in a big ice box? Only stupid Alaskans. Igloos are proof to how dumb people are. Thank God Alaska is way the hell up north and we normal people never have to deal with them.

Reason #3

Polar Bears. In those Coke commercials, they are all cute and cuddly and playing with penguins. The cute little baby polar bear offers to share his Coke with the baby penguin. AWWWWWWWW. How cute! Bull Shit. First of all penguins are way down south not way up north, but whatever. Second of all, the polar bear wouldn't offer to share his coke with the penguin. No, he'd bitch slap the penguin about 30 yards and then eat the little twerp. The point is polar bears are not nice. Polar Bears are BAMF and much like they'd eat cute little penguins, they would eat you in a second. Polar Bears hate you. They are bred to hate you and will forever hate you. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to go live somewhere where a huge ass animal that hates me, lives.

Reason #4
Wampas. I don't know where Wampas live or if they actually exist, but if they did they'd live in Alaska. As if polar bears aren't bad enough, Alaska has these guys roaming around destroying igloos and eating people. Look at this guy. He's got horns growing out of the side of his head. That's completely freaky. Especially since they seem to serve no purpose at all. Seriously, what are those things for? He looks like he's the devil's Arctic Circle Dwelling cousin.

Reason #5
The Alaskan "Highway". Just look at this pathetic thing. It is like some backwoods podunk operation that you'd expect to find in the mountains of Appalachia. It's probably got two lanes and isn't even paved. There appear to be a total of 8 roads in all of Alaska. 8. Stop reading this for a moment and ponder that. No wait, don't stop and ponder. Continue reading while I stop and ponder. 8 Roads. In the whole fucking state. 8. That is just dumbfounding, isn't it?

Reason #6

High Oil Prices. We all know it's because of stupid Alaskans and their dumbass pipeline. While we are paying up the ass for home heating oil and gas, these shitheads are being paid money. We are giving these cockgoblins money just for sitting around, picking their arses and living in Alaska. Here's an idea, screw paying them and lower the price of oil. Stupid motherfucking Alaskans.

Reason #7

Exxon Valdez. Way to kill all the otters and seals and shit you fucking assholes. They spill oil and shit all over the place and just generally destroy the environment. Who gives a fuck? I give a fuck is who gives a fuck. Goddamn Alaskan shiteating fucktards. I hate them all. Way to cause global warming. They all should rot in hell.

Reason #8

Seward's Folly. I can't find a picture of this. In fact I don't really even know what a picture of this would look like. So instead I have a picture of the Teapot Dome Scandal. Enjoy. If you don't know what either of these things are, tough shit. Look it up. You should have paid attention in school.

Reason #9

Sourdough. Most people ask the question "What's a Seawolf" I say the heck with that, it's been asked a million times and it's a stupid mythical creature or something. Who cares? The real question is why the hell was UAA nickname a type of bread before 1977? What was their mascot? A giant piece of French Bread? This is just horrible. Sourdough? Wow. Did they spend even five seconds coming up with this name? Geez. And I thought the Blooming Prairie Awesome Blossoms was a bad name.

Reason #10
The State Flag. It was designed by a 13-year old and it's the Big Dipper. First of all, no one could beat a 13-year old's drawing? Second of all, no one could beat a drawing of the Big Dipper? In all of Alaska? What kind of talentless morons are in that state? That is beyond pathetic. It's downright befuddling. This thing was adopted when Alaska was still a U.S. Territory. For a Territory, it still kind of sucks, but hey whatever. When Alaska became a state, though they could have shown a bit of pride and upgraded. Instead they stuck with this total P.O.S. It's an embarrassment to all of the United States. It does sum up the state rather well though. BTW, the kid who designed this was living in Seward at the time. If you ask me, this is the true Seward Folly.

Reason #11
John Hill. Alaska is so pathetic that UAA's coach left to go back to his old job of being an assistant at Minnesota. No one does that. Sure some coaches leave to become assistant coaches at a higher level, but coaches don't leave to become assistant coaches at a different school at the same level. Especially when they were already an assistant coach at that very same school. UAA proves to be the exception though. It is such a horrible state and horrible school that people leave it to take a lesser job. All I can say is wow. Then again it does make sense. Quality of life is just horrible in Alaska. Just ask Hill or his wife. That's why he left the 49th state. Not really surprising at all given all the reasons Alaska sucks. I'm not even sure life is worth living in Alaska.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Landcows = Losers

UND played a decent game last night and managed actually win again. Quite amazing. Now if they could just stop hitting posts or passing up great shots for crappy shots, they might actually win again tonight. Also if they could avoid a craptacular 2nd period, that would be nice too. Then again even with UND's average play, they still won the game so really there should be nothing to worry about. As I've said before, Mankato is just a crap team. UND really doesn't have to play that great and they'll still win. Sure it's nice, but it's also not much of a challenge.

Mankato really should learn to stop running into the goalie/net if they want to score. Their own stupidity cost them two goals last nights because they can't seem to avoid running over goalies and/or nets. I really wouldn't think it would be that tough to do. Shoot puck. Don't hit goalie. I guess this is far too complicated of a concept for your average Landcow though. Heck Jutting doesn't even understand this as he was throwing a hissy fit after the disallowed goals. I guess if the leader of the team can't grasp the concept, you can't really expect anyone to. Speaking of far too complicated concepts for your average Landcow, does Trevor Bruess understand that you should at least try to throw one punch when you volunteer to fight a guy? Man did Rylan Kaip ever take him out behind the woodshed. Perhaps Bruess should stick to getting makeovers and having tea parties while leaving the fighting to real hockey players. This guy was so pathetic, Jordan Foote could take him in a fight.

Sioux Sweep tonight.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Purple Pansies Fans are Ignorant Idiots

The huge series of UND-MSUM is nearly upon us. Upwards of twelve people are actually paying attention to this. Why? Because Minnesota State University Mankato sucks. It's a school that is of no relevance. This series seems like a complete bore to me. Mankato seems to have no fans at all. This isn't true, but there has been no talk about the games at all.

Where are their fans? Will they talk at all? Are they all too busy having self pity parties because Troy Jutting is still the coach? While I agree that the guy looks like troll, I'm not sure why Mankato fans are so dead set on getting rid of him. Their team sucks and that's just the way it is. It doesn't matter who their coach is, they'll still suck because they are a podunk school and they'll never be able to get the players to actually compete with good schools. Getting rid of the Rocky Dennis lookalike will make no real difference for Mankato. They are and forever will be a mediocre team at best.

Last year the highlight of this team's year was when Eric Means challenged Jon Campion to a fight. Seriously, how pathetic is this? When your school's biggest moment for the year was one of your assistant coaches challenging a referee to a fight, your school has some big problems. Even Mankato Super Alum Glen Taylor doesn't give a damn about this team. Not like it would really matter though. Contrary to popular belief of many Maverick fans, money won't solve this team's problems.

As I said, Mankato is a podunk school and players don't want to go there. Money won't change this. Nothing will change this. Maverick fans need to learn to accept this fact. Instead of constantly whining about Jutting, Mankato fans should be eternally grateful that they were actually allowed in the WCHA.

The Sioux are going to run over the Mavericks in this series. Mankato has no one worth snot and would be the laughingstock of the league if not for perennial whipping boy, UAA. The games won't be close in any way, shape or form. The games will no doubt end up getting out of hand. Therefore UND should probably just leave Oshie and Duncan at home so they don't risk getting injured by the hooking and hacking goons that comprise the Mavericks. This really would be for the best. UND obviously doesn't need Oshie or Duncan to beat the Mavericks, but they will need these two for games down the road. There is no need for any unnecessary risk and I truly hope Hakstol follows this advice. It would be horrible if UND's season went down the tubes because a bunch of talentless hacks took out UND's best players.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Michigan Tech Strikes Back: Dirty Doesn't Care

So I went to Florida last week. I'm sure you all missed my crappy blog where I would have made fun of how horrible SCSU is. Luckily I got back in time to watch UND piss down their leg and lose on Friday. Boy that was fun. I'm really getting tired of UND needing to irritate me every weekend. I'm sure it will happen this weekend too as the Sioux take on the extra crappy Huskies from Michigan Tech.

If you need any further proof of how crappy Michigan Tech is, just go to this website. Just look at all the pathetic things on this site.
  1. The kid in the back row who appears to think he is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with that stupid green bandanna he is wearing.
  2. The moron who is wearing a Burger King crown or something closely resembling a Burger King crown. Seriously? Come on, at least put a little effort into it, sport. That thing obviously provides little to no protection. Why even wear it? What is the point?
  3. The guy kneeling second from the right in the front row appears to have the tightest facial skin this side of Joan Rivers. Can he even smile?
  4. Nice trophy the one kid is holding. I got a better trophy than that for participating in Punt, Pass and Kick in 3rd grade.
  5. The pathetic fundraising efforts. As of 10 PM CST on January 7th, they have garnered $55 towards a goal of $7500. That is a whooping .7%. Wow. DHG has had a higher BAC than that.
As if this wasn't sad enough, look at the roster page.
  1. Ummmm, why do Jason Kramer, Ben Waring and Jeremiah Wileman appear to be the same exact person complete with cut off date from their Senior Prom picture?
  2. Matthew Pionk looks like a squirrel mated with Sebastian Bach.
  3. Matt McCormick is the treasurer. So what exactly does he do? Make sure no one steals the $55 that they've raised? He does have 4 years of experience at guarding the money though. That's good. It's be a real shame if the fund raised dropped below .5% because Matt didn't have the proper experience and some scallywag was able to run off with some ill gotten booty.
While typing this entry, an interesting question was posed to me. I'm paraphrasing here but it went something like this......

Dear Dirty,

Is it that Tech Paintball "Team" or "Club".


Anonymous Midget

Well first of all Anonymous Midget, thanks for asking this question because I know many of the readers of this blog were thinking the same thing but were just afraid to ask for fear of looking like a complete tool and/or a horribly stupid human being. Luckily for us all, you don't have that fear. So again, thanks. To answer your incredibly stupid question, I'm not exactly sure I would even call this group of complete dorks, a club. In fact, if I had to chose just one word to for them it would be Embarrassment.

It truly is amazing how many losers attend Michigan Tech. I have put about 5 minutes worth of research into the two blog entries I have done on Michigan Tech and yet I've found a variety of things that prove just how horrible the school is and what kind of losers attend the school.