Sunday, October 26, 2008

Ode to Wisconsin; How I hate Thee

UND plays the Dead Deer Rapers this weekend. As everyone knows, Wisconsin sucks. I thought I should investigate this and find signs that are located throughout Wisconsin that illustrate this point. Please note: Signs may or may not actually be located in Wisconsin.
This one CANNOT be said enough. Bob Barker was right. Please, please, please Badger fans listen to this sign. But take it a step beyond the sign's suggestions and include yourself in this neuterfest. The world needs less Badger fans and this is one of the best ways to accomplish that feat. Now you may not agree that you should neuter yourselves and that's fine I guess, but if you don't do it someone else will. I'm sure most Badger fans won't do their civic duty and get the job done. Because of this, I call on all non-Badger fans to help out this cause. Badger fans are a scourge on an otherwise wonderful society and they need to be dealt with accordingly. If you see a Badger fan roaming the street, hit him over the head with the empty whiskey bottle he's carrying and bring him to the local clinic/hospital to get the job done. You will be doing your town, state and country a wonderful public service.

Yeah I stole this one from Minnesota. Who cares? Wisconsin sucks and this picture sums it up perfectly. There is absolutely nothing good about the state or the people. Every single solitary thing about it sucks. California has better cows and cheese. Beer sucks. Deer are scared. Their mascot is totally lame. Seriously, why doesn't bucky have a neck? Who the hell designed that thing? It's absolutely freaking lame. You need to have a freaking neck on the damn thing. It's already stupid enough just for the fact that it's Wisconsin's mascot but then you don't even give it a neck? Wow. Just wow. That by itself makes Bucky one of the worst mascots in the country.

Turkey Registration? Seriously? Why? And where exactly is it? That building looks like it should have been condemned 10 years ago and they are having turkey registration in it? Turkey is absolutely horrible. I hate it. Every Thanksgiving, this damn bird is served and everyone is supposed to eat it. Well I have a major problem with this. The real problem is that all this food is made and then it sits out to become lukewarm to cold. Who the hell wants that? How about we eat the damn food when it's hot? Wasn't that the point of cooking it? Well then why the hell are we letting it sit around for half an hour beforehand? The turkey is dried out and nasty, the mashed potatoes are cold and clumpy, the gravy has that icky "soup skin" on it and the entire meal is ruined. Seriously WTF? The only saving grace is pecan pie. And that brings me to another problem, why do people like pumpkin pie? Absolutely horrible. It looks like baby shit. Screw that. Turkey Registration, turkey, cold mashed potatoes, skinned over gravy and pumpkin pie all suck.

If only Cheeseheads could read. This sign would help them all immensely. Sadly, they cannot read unless they are at a hockey game and following the directions of a senile old man holding up stupid signs. Even then, they can only do one word at a time. It really is quite pathetic how stupid Cheeseheads are. There are small children in third word countries who have never been to a day of school in their life that can put together more coherent sentences than your average Badger fan.

If this doesn't describe the typical Badger fan perfectly, I don't know what does. They are slow, stupid and worthless. This is why the neuterfest is necessary. If we don't do it, no one will and then we'll have a true disaster on our hands. Do we really want slow, dumb, illiterate, neckless children running around? I certainly don't and I doubt you do either. So we really all need to band together and work toward this common goal of eliminating Badger fans in the next few generations. If we don't, who knows what horrible sorts of things could occur.

Remember your equations for the test kids:
Dany Heatley+Car+Pillar=Trouble

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Mankato. What a dump

Mankato, while a completely horrible and sucky town filled in hicks and losers, actually had a few awesome things. But other then these few things Mankato is still the absolute garbage pit of a stinktown that I so unfoundly remember from five years ago.

Star # 3 goes to the free parking that I obtained on Friday night. Parking for the game was only $3, but we got there when they were setting crap up so we just pulled in and got free parking. SCORE! Sadly this was not recreated on Saturday night because certain people in our party did not seem to care if we arrived in Mankato early enough to get free parking. While this is typically OK, this lack of caring had a very large consequence. We did not get to go to fucking Candyland! This made me incredibly sad as it would have made you incredibly sad. Candyland had 80 differerent flavors of licorice. Candyland had 22 kinds of root beer. Candyland had pumpkins. Candyland had caramel apples. Candyland appeared to have every damn thing you could ever imagine. In short, Candyland was the shit. And this was just my impression from the road driving by. How incredibly wonderfully awesome would it have been if we had actually stopped? The answer to that question will never be known.

Star #2 goes to the incompetence that is Mankato Zamboni Drivers. On Friday night the moron Zamboni driver managed to completely screw up and dropped a big old load of snow on the ice, as you can see in the far left of the picture. The moron then killed the Zamboni and needed a guy to help push him off the ice since he is a completely talentless douche bag. After Douche Bag managed to get his dumb ass off the ice, the other Zamboni came by and picked up all the snow the Douche Bag dumped all over the ice. This guy obviously also sucked at his job because soon after he did this, ice and snow started shooting out of the top of his Zamboni.

Throughout the weekend I watched both of these toolbags when they came out. Another problem is that these idiots always back out onto the ice. This makes absolutely no sense. No where else do is this done. Are they just idiots at Mankato or what? Zamboni #1 backs out, at like 35 MPH, onto the ice and starts going around. Then Zamboni #2 comes out doing the same thing. When they are almost finished Zamboni #1 leaves the ice followed by Zamboni #2. When the next intermission rolls around, Zamboni #1 comes out again followed by Zamboni #2. This can mean only one thing, they have room to rearrange the Zamonis so #1 always comes out first. So the question that begs to be asked is: If they can do this, why can't they drive out onto the ice the correct way? It is quite amazing how the Zamboni guys in Mankato are completely talentless ass clowns. Is it a requirement to of suffered a traumatic brain injury to be a Zamboni driver at the Alltel Center? No other arena I've been to has the problems the morons in Mankato do. Just another reason why Mankato does suck. Though their idiocy is entertaining to me so this one kind of cancels out.

Star #1 goes to the blind, drunk dancing old lady who sat in front of us Friday night. Actually Star #1-#15 goes to this lady. She was freaking hillariously awesome. What did she do you ask? What didn't she do is the better question. She embarrassed her grandchildren. She tried giving away her popcorn to everyone within two rows. She asked the guy sitting next to her wearing a Gopher hoodie if he played for the Gophers. She used binoculars from the 5th row. She proudly proclaimed "I'm legally blind!!!". After stating my displeasure for the game going on and idea that we go to the SCSU-Minnesota game the next night, she told me "You better go to the Gopher-Huskies game [on Saturday]". She kept turning around and talking to the lady next to me about how nice Edina was. And she was completely shitfaced.

This lady was plain and simple awesome. Sadly I did not think to take a picture of her. I have no idea why I didn't think of this and I deserve an epic fail for this. I was feeling quite ashamed of myself when I realized the opportunity I had missed. I quickly cheered myself up though when I realized that in a relatively short period of time I was going to be able to leave what can only be termed "The Wisconsin of Cities", Mankato. This was a quick and immediate cure for the melancholy I was experiencing.

Hopefully a few more good things like this will happen the next time I visit Mankato because without these few glimmers of hope Mankato can only drive one to consider the perks of a life of meth addiction.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Sioux Fan Sells Out

UND goes to Boston this weekend to play the Icebreaker Tournament where they'll play Boston University and Massachusetts. At this point I would typically say all sorts of bad things about BU and/or Massachusetts. Either the team itself or some players. This week is different though. I have nothing bad to say about either school or any of their players. Instead I'm going to focus on a *ahem* "Sioux fan". Not just any "Sioux fan" mind you, but a Benedict Arnold of a "Sioux fan." His name is Brandon Geist and he's a fucking traitor.

The picture above is Brandon and as you can see he appears to be a Sioux fan given he is wearing a Sioux jersey and hat. And, at least to my understanding, he is a Sioux fan and has been since 1999. All appears well and good. That is until you see the dark side of Brandon Geist. For Brandon has been living a double life. While he randomly appears at hockey games wearing Sioux clothing, he appears quite different when he isn't at hockey games. Because of this I have begun to call him The Traitor.

If you notice in the picture to the left we have The Traitor and his girlfriend. Her face has been blacked out to protect the innocent, kind of like in Cops except she isn't a white trash criminal. She's really done nothing wrong and therefore does not deserve to be dragged through the mud. She is however necessary to be in a picture with The Traitor. As you can see she is wearing a Boston University jacket. OK, maybe you can't clearly see that but just trust me, she is. She is also a graduate of Boston University. Brandon it appears has sold out. He's willing to consort with the enemy with little to no regard for his University of North Dakota Sioux fandom and I find it sad.

In 2003 Brandon camped out (and drank heavily) for three days in order to obtain season tickets for Fighting Sioux Hockey. He was the epitome of a Fighting Sioux hockey fan. That has all seemed to change though. Now he is willing to wear the colors of Boston University. Now you can argue that was not his plan when he put that ugly shirt on the day this picture was taken, but does it really matter. It is still the colors of Boston University and Cheesehead Nation. This is unacceptable. This is why he is The Traitor. He has no regard for others, all that matters to him is him.

I say how dare he! It is a privledge to be a fan of the Fighting Sioux and The Traitor doesn't even care. He takes it for granted. I also say that until The Traitor apologizes, he be kicked out of Fighting Sioux Fandom. So Brandon, this weekend feel free to show your true colors. There is no longer any need to hide them. Wear a Terrier jersey and worship the ground that grumpy old fart Jack "Man of Many Jackets" Parker walks on. We don't need you. We don't want you. If you apologize, we will welcome you back with open arms. Until then though, go suck an egg.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Protesters are Wrong

Once again there was a protest at a Sioux hockey game. This time the protest was about REA decision to hang the Tribal Flags (username: password: goaway) of the Standing Rock and Spirit Lake Reservations. The Herald was nice enough to pad the number of protesters there actually were in the article. It was nowhere near 40, there were 17 or 18. I counted them. Meanwhile, there were at least the same number of Native Americans standing in the lobby a hour and a half before the game started and upwards of 100 Native Americans that came to REA for the ceremony. Maybe it's just me, but when Michael Eshkibok says “I have a tendency to believe most people are supportive of what we’re doing, people have good hearts”, I have a tendency to believe most people aren't supportive of what you're doing.

This is the first protest that truly pissed me off as it is absolutely ridiculous. Hanging flags is disrespectful? Seriously? That is just dumbfounding. By this line of thinking, the UN disrespects all of it's member nations by having their flags hung.

“I came out here to be with this group of people,” said Karen GreyEyes, a Spirit Lake elder, as she gestured to her fellow protesters from under her umbrella. “I have not yet been in the Ralph Engelstad Arena. I refuse.”
Just wonderful. Wonderful indeed.
  • So you want REA to change their stance, but you refuse to meet with them in an attempt to meet this goal. Brilliant.

One man held a sign that read “REA MONEY EQUALS IGNORANCE.” He pointed to it and said, “That’s what this is all about.”
What does that even mean?
  • That since REA doesn't agree with your particular view point, they are ignorant? That seems rather self-important.
  • That since REA has money, they refuse to try to understand anything about Native Americans? This is stupid to begin with but assuming it's true, would not having Native Americans come to REA and perform the ceremony that they did help educate people?
  • You just don't like REA and therefore do not like anything they do? This seems the most likely to me. No matter what REA and/or will do or does, this gentleman will find fault with it.

“We’re trying to make a statement about the conduct of the REA,” said protester and UND staff member Judy Rieke. “Every time they do something like this, it hurts the students.”
Really? Having a flag dedication ceremony hurts students? How? That is just asinine.
  • No really, explain how this hurts students. I mean it. How does showing a part of Native American culture and allowing Native Americans to speak on their history hurt students?
  • How does allowing Native Americans to voice their support of the Sioux nickname hurts students?
  • How does allowing people who do not agree with you the chance to speak hurt students?
  • I realize Judy will never read this and if she did, she'd ignore it but still. Give me a break Judy. You obviously are just like the first gentleman and refuse to see anything good. Since you don't agree with the idea of the Sioux name, nothing can ever be done in good faith. You're a bullheaded cynic who demands everyone agree with your point of view while at the same time refusing to listen to anyone else.

“Liz and I have always been against the Fighting Sioux name and logo,” Chelsey [Luger] said. “As native people growing up in Grand Forks, we’ve always dealt with the issue.”

“It’s clear that that level of respect is not there in this community," she said
Awesome. Just throw out a general statement and don't back it up at all.
  • Why are people allowed to say things like this and be given any credibility at all? How is it clear? What level of respect? What proof is there? These things are always said and when pushed, the response is usually something that happened in the 1970's or "The name makes people unfortable".
  • Just because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn't mean they don't respect you.
  • Just because you want respect, doesn't mean you deserve respect. You earn respect, you aren't just given it because demand it.

Here is a letter to the editor from Chelsey to the Dakota Student. What irritates me the most is this:
We recently learned about the Ralph Engelstad Arena's latest plan to publicly disrespect and exploit Native people under a fa├žade of cultural consideration: the "Unveiling of the Tribal Flags Ceremony."

The REA will be holding this "ceremony" prior to a UND exhibition hockey game on October 5th. The ceremony consists of flag presentations, a history reading, and honor songs: all of which will be performed by members of both the Sp[i]rit Lake and Standing Rock Nations.
  • How by allowing members of both the Spirit Lake and Stand Rock Nations to perform history reading and honor songs REA did "disrespect and exploit Native people"?
  • It seems to me that they don't. Once again it comes back to Chelsey not liking the nickname and therefore she'll blindly disapprove of anything UND or REA do.
  • No matter what is done, no matter how much it can or does benefit Native Americans, Chelsey will complain and find fault.
  • Chelsey's personal beliefs trump and are of greater importance than anything else. What she thinks is all that matters. If something can benefit Native Americans but is not lock step with her beliefs, it can not be allowed because she does not approve.
  • Absolutely ridiculous. The world does not revolve around you. Sometimes people and organizations who you do not agree with manage to do good things. To immediately dismiss these things and charge them with ulterior motives shows how closed minded you truly are, Chelsey. Once again I'm sure Chelsey won't read this, but I don't really care.

I hope this protest had nothing to do with the ceremony and instead was just another "Change the Name" protest. It does not seem probable though. Instead this protest was exactly about the ceremony and their disapproval of it. Something that from an outside perspective is a nice and gracious thing to do, is viewed by these protesters as an exploitative and dishonorable event. Since the protesters didn't give their expressed permission and blessing, it's wrong. The problem with this is:

  • If asked for permission or blessing, they would have said no.
  • If REA did nothing, the protesters would complain about how dishonorable REA is and how it is exploiting Native Americans by not doing things to honor Native Americans.
  • So according to the protesters attempting to honor Native Americans is wrong and not attempting to honor Native Americans is wrong. That makes no sense at all.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Jess Myers: World's Stupidest Columnist or Just Insane?

Today, in an absolutely catastrophic event Jess Myers picked UND to finish in 7th place in the WCHA. This is no doubt the greatest mistake since the French implementation of the Maginot Line. I, being a fan of UND, do not know if I will ever recover from this. The very idea that someone can even fathom the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux not finishing with home ice advantage is a foreign concept to me. I mean, how can this be? As if this isn't enough; this Jess Myers character, if that is even his real name, taunts, flaunts and besmirches UND fans about picking UND in 7th place! I don't think Jess Myers is his real name, I think his real name is Fuzzy McStinkypants and that is what I am going to call him from now on. How dare he? HOW DARE FUZZY McSTINKYPANTS? Doesn't he know who we are? He should immediately be fired from INCH for being so stupid. Anyone who thinks UND will finish in 7th place in the WCHA obviously doesn't even know how to skate. I bet he hasn't even seen UND play because if he had he would pick them to finish 3rd place at worst and even that is borderline insane.

Just to prove Fuzzy McStinkypants wrong, I'll give you reasons why UND will win games this year. The Sioux have a Hobey Baker winner! That by itself is worth at least 20 wins. They also have a guy who is really tall for a hockey player. That's worth three wins. They play in the best arena in the country, Ralph Engelstad Arena. Five wins. REA has escalators. Two wins. On the road the Sioux wear "Swift" jerseys. This allows them to skate at supersonic speeds. Seven wins wins. The huge arse hot tub at REA is worth at least six wins. They have three assistant captains and each assistant captain is worth one win. If you total this all up, UND will win no less than 46 wins. As you can see, with all these wins there is no way UND will finish in 7th place in the WCHA.

With these indisputable facts on my side, I will be awaiting Fuzzy McStinkypants apology for questioning North Dakota. He should know by now that it is not allowed.