Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Cornell Bye Bye Bye

The Cornell hockey team seems to be quite big fans of boy bands. I am rather sad that this video no longer exists on the Internet though as it would provide wonderful entertainment for everyone. I'd say which Cornell player corresponds to which Nsync but amazingly I don't know the names of any of these clowns. I do remember that the guy on the far left hosted that NBC show Singing Bee. It was quite the crappy show the one time I watched it. Completely worthless, much like the entire ECAC. Even when UND is playing like absolute crap, such as now, they should still easily smoke a crappy team that doesn't even have a real nickname.

Cornell has a myriad of completely lame "athletic" teams that includes but is not limited to polo, rowing, squash and sprint football. And that's just talking about men's sports, on the women's side Cornell has equestrian (i.e. sit on a horse) and fencing (i.e. poke each other with a stick). Actually rowing actually isn't that lame. Polo, squash, equestrian, fencing and especially this sprint football (i.e. football for pussies) are incredibly lame though. For those of you that don't know, which I'm assuming is everyone given how stupid it is, sprint football is essentially football for talentless geeks. I love that it's called sprint football since the guys who play it are no doubt slower than crap. Why else would they play this instead of real football? Because they are slow, white, unathletic, preppy pricks. In other words, your average Cornell student. I had seriously never heard of this lame ass "sport" until five minutes ago when I found it on Cornell's website and I know about jai-alai fer christsakes. I don't think this should even be considered a sport and according to the NCAA it isn't. I am all for this. Sprint Football is horrible. It's like half a step up from marbles and jacks. The fact that Cornell prominently promotes this psuedo-sport on their official athletic website is beyond pathetic. It should be reason enough to revoke their Ivy League status. Which is a sham to begin with given where they are compared to the other schools. Cornell is to the Ivy League what Temple was to the Big East. An embarrassment. The Big East wised up and kicked Temple out. The Ivy Leaguers should do the same to Cornell.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Hjelle Fishing Time!

If only Brady Hjelle actually got to play, Hjelle Fishing would be possible this weekend. Sadly the only thing Brady does is develop splinters in his butt. So he's like Nate Ziggleman except he's not from Grand Forks and therefore sucks.

Brady's lack of playing time is really sad because I can't think of anything that would better than going Hjelle Fishing with Spongebob and Patrick. As long as Squidward doesn't come with. That guy is a freaking dick. He gives a bad name to all Squidkind. As much as I dislike Squidward though, it does not come close to the disappointment I feel that Brady Hjelle will not be doing anything this weekend other than standing behind all his teammates on the bench looking like a complete dink.

Speaking of Brady's, it's rather obvious that Jack Connolly worships Carol Brady. What else could explain that horrible haircut? What is the deal with that thing? Does he curl his hair in a vein attempt to woo Alex Stalock? I should hope that it doesn't work. No one should be impressed by that horrible 50's housewife hairdo. Jack Connolly looks like he should be Kevin Arnold's mom on Wonder Years. This would be the perfect time to talk about the awesomeness that is Winnie Cooper, but I have enough pictures in this entry so nah. I believe that Jack Connolly is a total loser. This theory is proven to be correct by the fact that he can't even get an original name and has to steal his teammate's.

And it's not even a good teammate either. It's Mike Connolly. Upon first inspection, he looks normal but then you notice something. He's a pubehead. Pubeheads, much like Mormons, are all bad people. There is no exception. It's a law. While it's not a well-known law, it's still a law and is called the Pubehead Certainty Principle. This law states that any person who's head is covered with pubic hair is automatically a jerk and completely worthless to the rest of the world. Few people know that before there were Christians, the Romans threw pubeheads to the lions. We took all sorts of ideas from the Romans, I want to know why we didn't take this one. Much like gingers, pubeheads are a festering pimple on the world, except some gingers are awesome while no pubeheads are awesome. They all suck. Have you ever met a pubehead who wasn't a total stuck up prick? I didn't think so. So screw you Mike Connolly. You are total jerk and no one likes you.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Halfway to being swept

Congratulations UND. Way to play like absolute crap. Way to sit around and do nothing. Way to expect to win without having to even try. This was an utterly pathetic game. Playing great for two minutes doesn't really work out very well, does it? I want my $20 back that I spent on this game because I got absolutely ripped off.

The only thing UAA had to do to win this game was show up and they did that for 20 minutes which is helluva lot more than UND did. What an absolute embarrassment.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Two Boring Weeks in a Row

I would like to personally apologize to someone for being lazy last week. I can only assume this is a picture of him when he was Fire Helmet Kid #36. I have a good reason to be lazy though. Colorado College is boring and they have no fans. There was absolutely nothing for me to add to the series and I had no idea what the hell I would talk about, so I just decided to skip the whole thing. I had a similar problem for this week, but decided I didn't want to disappoint the little fellow in the picture two weeks in a row and should make an effort.

On to this weekend's series. I've already covered a number of things about Alaska Anchorage such as "What the hell is a Seawolf?" and "Why they hell would you name your team after a loaf of bread?". The next thing on my list about the safety school of 54th state is.......

What is the deal with Anchorage and their horrible attendance? I've watched three UAA games so far this year and in all of them the attendance has been absolutely putrid. These games have all supposedly had 3100-3700 people at them. The problem with this claim is that I've seen about 20 people in the stands for these games so unless there are 3000+ people just out of camera range, the attendance numbers are obviously complete bullcrap. The only thing I can figure from this is that Alaskans don't know how to count.

Enter stage left this guy. Alaska Anchorage, their fans and the Sullivan Arena staff are obviously in need of his help. I truly believe The Count could teach the entire state of Alaska a myriad of things and perhaps they could teach him to make a canoe out of a caribou or how to train polar bears to do your bidding. That would be pretty sweet actually. Teaching Polar Bears to maul people and stuff. What a great idea. I'm such a genius some times.

Anyways, in exchange for learning how to see Russia from your house, The Count could teach Alaskans how to what else, count.

"One....hahaha
Two....hahaha
Three.....hahaha
Three Seawolves fans in the entire arena. Wow, pathetic."

Pathetic indeed Count. You are a wise man. Maybe that's why you're a Count.

Since this is another boring week where the Sioux play a team that I really don't care much about, I'm going to take a break and make a PSA here. The Honkers were totally under appreciated. While guys like Bert, Ernie and Elmo get all the pub, awesome dudes like The Honkers go about their job, teaching kids all sorts of stuff with little to no fanfare. This makes me very sad. I loved The Honkers. I do question why Grandpa Honker is not wearing any clothes though. That's kind of scary. No one wants to see old man parts, especially when they are old man Honker parts. So Honkers, I salute you. You underappreciated monsters, you.

Now that I have done that, back to the discussion on UAA's pathetic attendance. I really don't understand how this can happen. What is there to do in Anchorage? Stare out your bedroom window at the mountains? Put a saddle on your pet walrus and waddle around town? Eat pizza at Uncle Joe's? The answer is obviously absolutely nothing. So why is there no one at the games?

I did a bit of research (I know! Amazing, isn't it?) and checked out the Alaska Aces', the ECHL team in Anchorage, attendance. They've managed to get more people at every single one of their games. So what's the deal with UAA? Obviously no one cares about them in Anchorage.

Last but certainly not least.....UAA! UAA! I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but it is freaking awesome. It's the best thing about the Seapups. So bad. So horrible. So indescribable. No school song could fit a team more perfectly. If only Sebastian Bach was singing it, it would have been perfection. BTW, in my research of the Alaska Aces, I discovered their team song. It's pretty much just as pathetic. Quite sad that none of the hockey teams in the 57th state can have a decent song associated with them.