Saturday, January 31, 2009


Rumor has it that SCSU often has what can be called chubby cheerleaders. This idea was confirmed when out onto the ice lumbered Captain "Jumbo". I don't remember what her name was even though, it was said like 30 times. I don't really care what her name is though. While talking to everyone's favorite fag, startthebus, I learned that not only was Jumbo the cheerleading captain, but that she was also from Fargo. Could anything be more perfect? Obviously, I needed to take pictures of "Jumbo" and make fun of her cause I'm a mean person.

Well my talking about "Jumbo" made this lady very unhappy. She did not approve of my actions at all. She told me "If you want to take a picture of something funny looking, you should take a picture in the mirror". I was quite impressed by this insult. Sure it was completely unoriginal, but she managed to put down her hohos and twinkies long enough to tell me this.

Check out that horrible perm and Joe Mauer-level sideburns. Impressive. This woman of course barely understood what the hell was going on on the ice. My favorite moment of hers was when the Huskies took a penalty and she stood up clapping, thinking the penalty was on the Sioux. I made a comment about this to Schneider. At the same time Schneider stood up and clapped making fun of Ms. (Mr.?) Grumpy. Well this was met with great dissapproval from this "woman's" husband. He just stared at me for a good five seconds. Hubby Man was the silent type most of the game. That is until UND breathed or did anything and he'd whine about how it should be a penalty. Actually, he barely did this, his only concern seemed to be that when UND iced the puck that all the players not be allowed to change lines. For most people this would be a minor concern, but to Mr. Hubby it seemed to be the only thing that mattered in the game.

Since Ms. Grumpy thought I should take a picture of myself so everyone could laugh, I did. Notice the goofy face I made! HAHAHAHA! I look so funny! OMG!!!! I don't weigh three metric tons or look like a horse kicked me in the face, so obviously I look way funnier than "Jumbo" of Ms. Grumpy.

After the game Mrs. Grumpy decided she needed to taunt me a little more and tell me the score of the game was 3-0. Another original taunt on her part. For being such an ugly skank, she sure was funny! I love this "lady". She's one of those wonderful people who don't think opposing fans should be allowed in the arena because her life is that pathetic. There is nothing cooler than taunting some opposing fans despite the fact that you barely understand what is going on. From the looks of her though, I don't blame her. She either works as a secretary at a dentists' office or just sits at home all day watching As the World Turns and eatings bon bons. But hey, she gave me an entry to write about, so I have to thank her for that.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Tale of the Dasher Monkey Signing

As many may remember, everyone's favorite college hockey coach also happens to be an accomplished author. Given that Grand Forks was lucky enough to have a world renown author visiting town, I really felt that I should take advantage of it. Sadly, it cost me $17.04 because I'm lazy and kept forgetting to buy a cheap used version off EBay or Amazon and had to buy new copy from Barnes and Noble. The cost of this operation just gave me all the more motivation though. I needed to talk to Curious George about this wonderful book.

Problems were abound from the start though. I went to the Denver bench to have a nice conversation with the players. Where was Gwoz? Would he come out? Could I get my book signed? The players were non-responsive though. Perhaps I used to big of words. Perhaps they didn't like me. Perhaps they are just jerks. I don't know. But they refused to help me. I was sad. Given that these dickheads refused to help me, I decided to bid them adieu and get the book signed without their help.

I didn't need their help anyways. I figured at some point The Dasher Monkey was going to come out during warmups. I was right. Towards the end of warmups, I spotted Georgey Porgey in the tunnel and made my move. I had to bide my time and wait as Georgey was being interviewed and I did not want to interupt him. Because I'm a nice guy like that. Finally the interview ended and it was time for me to spring into action. I get Lord Farquaad's attention and BAM! Success. My very own signed copy of Hockey Drills for Passing and Recieving! KICK ASS!

To commemorate this happening, I asked Schneider to take pictures. I mean wouldn't it be great to have pictures taken of Georgey signing the book? Of course it would. He failed at his one job though. As I handed the Dasher Monkey the book, Schneider realized he was completely out of position to take the picture. In other words, he was the Geoff Kinrade of photographers. I blame it on him only having one eye. There's really no other explanation for this epic fail. This is a lesson, never have morons assist you in your plans. They will only disappoint and fail you because they suck at life.

If anyone would like to post a book review here, I would welcome it.

BTW, patience is a virtue, bitches. Sometimes you have to wait for the greatness that is this blog and it's entries.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Interview

Rather than just taunting the Tech Paintball Team, this time I've decided to do something different. Pictured to the left is one M.P. His name has been changed to protect the innocent, or in this case, nerdy. He was on the Tech Paintball Team and I was lucky enough to meet him in the Olympica Room at Joe Louis Arena when I attended the abortions of games that occurred during GLI. I took this opportunity to interview M.P and delve into the reasons why Tech Paint sucks. Here is that interview. Note: This interview may or not have actually occurred. Who is to say?
BTW, if you want a podcast of this interview, just send $19.95 to me and I'll be happy to hook you up. That's a lie too. I'll happily take your money, but I won't send you a podcast. Mainly because one doesn't exist.
Dirty: So M.P., the world is dying to know. Why exactly do you play paintball? Isn't it completely lame?
M.P.: Not at all Dirty. I find paintball to be completely exhilirating. Sure many people would find shooting miniature cans of paint at one another for hours on end completely retarded, but I'm not one of those people. Plus it's way better than Settlers of Catan.
Dirty: You bring up a good point. I still contend that paintball is completely lame, but wow is that game idiotic.
M.P.: In the immortal words of Jacques Lemaire, There's no doubt. Any game where the point is to stick your wood in your sheep or something like that, is just plain wrong.
Dirty: Anyone who plays that game does not deserve to breath.
M.P.: Do you know what my favorite board game is?
Dirty: I don't really ca...
M.P.: [Rudely interupting] Chutes and Ladders!
Dirty: Why did you tell me that? I really don't care.
M.P.: I'm the President of the International Chutes and Ladders Club!!
Dirty: OK, seriously I don't care. And stop taking this interview off track, only I'm allowed to do that to other people. Knock it off or I'll have ShirtlessGuy sit on you.
M.P.: Sorry. I'll be good.
Dirty: That's more like it. Now what exactly makes paintball not a complete waste of time, money....Hey those are two Pink Floyd songs! Do you like Pink Floyd?
M.P.: Of course.
Dirty: Good. You know what, I really don't care that much about paintball and don't want to know anything else about it.
M.P.: But I wanted to spread the Gospel of Paintball!
Dirty: Too bad. Eric Cline.....why does he think he's Quailman?
M.P.: Who the hell is Eric Cline?
Dirty: He's your teammate on that stupid paintball team!
M.P.: Oh man, I hated that kid. He sucked. Plus he was one of those CS nerds. There is nothing worse than CS nerds at Tech. They are perhaps the biggest losers on the face of the earth and Eric Cline is their king.
Dirty: I'm quite angered at the way he sullies the good name of Doug Funny by totally fucking up the Quailman costume. First of all, he doesn't even have the belt configured correctly on his head. Second of all, the belt isn't even the right color. Third, he doesn't even appear to have the "Q" on his chest. Seriously, WTF? This wasn't even a half assed effort. It was just pathetic.
M.P.: Agreed.
Dirty: One word answer. Dan Hutchison. Child Molestor?
M.P.: Yes.
Dirty: I brought up the point last year that Jason Kramer, Ben Waring and Jeremiah Wileman all had the same picture on the worthless Tech Paintball website. Why hasn't this been updated? It's been over a year. How lazy are you?
M.P.: That's not my job.
Dirty: Nice excuse. You really should take responsibility for yourself.
M.P.: Why are you asking me all these questions? How the hell am I supposed to know why the website hasn't been updated? Why don't you ask that loser Cline about it? He doesn't do anything other than play on his computer all day. He should have some idea about the website.
Dirty: So essentially you are just pawning the blame off on others? Once again way to take responsibility for your actions.
M.P.: You know what? Screw you! I don't have to take this shit. You said you wouldn't be a total prick and yet here you are being just a cock. I'm done with this. Fuck You
Dirty: You agreed this would be a no questions barred interview and now you're being a total weenie about it?
M.P.: Shut the fuck up. I swear to God I will beat you with a monkey wrench if you don't.
Dirty: Jesus Christ. Calm down. It's not that big of a deal.

At this point things got a bit dicey and the interview degenerated quite a bit. M.P. started throwing chairs and hitting old ladies with bottles of Jim Beam. I tried to reason with him but he would have none of it. He was body slamming paraplegics and punching small children in the uvula. Eventually he was subdued with horse tranquilizers and I thought it may be best to end the interview. All told the damages were quite extensive and I was asked never to conduct an interview at the Olympia Room again as my style proved too real for many to handle.

So what did we learn from all of this? First of all, that I am an exceptional interviewer. This really isn't a suprise because I just rock. We also learned that M.P. has quite the temper.and seems to enjoy causing extensive damage to things that don't belong to him. We also learned that Settlers is the gayest board game ever invented. But the single biggest thing we learned is that Eric Cline is bad at coordinating his costumes and therefore should never be invited to parties. Not even his own.

Per FHG's Request

Total Ass Whooping.