Sunday, February 22, 2009

Tigerettes

Is it time for Slick Rick to go back to writing novels? I say yes. Only when compared to the horribleness of Alex Kangas is Dirty Dick even a decent goalie any more. Richie Rich will supposedly be considering signing with the Dallas Stars after the season. This would likely be the Stars biggest mistake since drafting Brian Lawton as Bachy Wachy has stunk since Christmas. Richardo Bachalban has clearly shown that he can't handle expectations, so I'm not sure why any team would want to sign him. Ricky Bobby would fold under the pressure of even having to play in the ECHL, which is where he would be next year. Saying this, I would still be very sad to see Tricky Dick leave the Weed Capital of the U.S. as the Sioux have done pretty well against Richy.

I'd also like to pat myself on the back and give myself a gold star for picking the Lynx to finish in 6th place in the WCHA. This is just more proof that I am quite the smart person. Everyone thought the Jaguars were going to run away with the conference and only I had the foresight to know the Bobcats would do no such thing. Now the Snow Leopards won't even make the NCAA's. What an absolute failure of a season. This is not a surprise to me as I knew it would happen because when your coach has to spend half his time filming "Adult Movies", it's going to catch up with you sooner or later. Given the Kodkods had no leadership from their star player nor a coach, this was inevitable. The Cheetahs are an average team this year and I am proud to say that I was one of the few who realized this.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Seapuppies!!!

The only thing currently worth snot in Anchorage, Alaska is Jean- Phillipe Lamoureux and Erik Fabian. I'm pretty sure JPL is the only reason the Aces are even in contention in the ECHL. If you check out the Aces website you'll see an example of how worthless the state of Alaska is.

Let's just look at this pathetic website for a moment.
  • The Aces don't bother to put up pictures from the last two years
  • Have a video link and radio link with no videos or radio highlight
  • Wallpaper link, no wallpaper
  • Screensaver, no screensaver
  • E-Card
I'm sensing a trend here.....

The Aces also don't bother to have statistics for this year on their website and they have the standings link go to last year's statistics. That's just bad linking right there. It really isn't that tough to have links go to the proper places. It's really basic HTML stuff and is rather pathetic that the Aces don't take the time to do anything properly. One final thing that is wrong with the horrible website is that they have a blog that hasn't been updated since last April. I guess this isn't really anything wrong as much as it is total laziness. That's even more pathetic than that Who's Whining Now toolbox. He's completely worthless and even he has done an update this year. To be even lazier than WWN is not something to be proud of. In fact it's downright embarrassing.

The Aces should be forced to fold just like the Fresno Falcons and Augusta Lynx did earlier this year as they are an embarrassment. This would be a good thing for all their players as they'd get to actually go to civilization and play for a team, instead of being two clicks from the Artic Circle.

While all these things are true, at least the Aces actually get people to come to their games which is more than can be said for the UAA Seapups. According to this, the Seapups get over 2900 people at their games. I don't know who is counting people or how they are counting, but I declare baloney on this. I'm not even sure if the person in charge actually knows how to count. When you watch UAA games the arena appears more barren than the Gobi Desert. Given this there is no way there are 2900+ people at the games. I'm not even sure if there would be 290 people at these games. Once again The Count is obviously needed.

And before it's said by one of UAA's six fans, having Red Pepper automatically makes Grand Forks a part of civilization.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Landcow Time

I am still bitter about this Landcows thing. I started calling Mankato State/Minnesota State/Minnesota State-Mankato/ Mankato Normal School/Whatever the heck they are this week, the Landcows in like 2002. It being a totally sweet name to taunt Mankato, it caught on and oodles of people started using this term. This is good. Heck, this is great and awesome even. But no one ever credits or cites me. This is a bunch of crap. I deserve recognition. This is just one of the many brilliant things I have contributed to the world, yet I never receive the proper credit. In fact I receive nothing. Not even a pat on the back. This totally ticks me off and is completely unfair. It's not really a surprise though. Someone of my profound talent oftentimes has his ideas stolen and is seldom given the credit he so rightly deserves during his lifetime. I take solace in the fact that I am certain that in 100 years people will look back on everything that I did and give me the credit I deserve.

If there is anyone or anything that doesn't deserve credit, it's the Mankato fans and their incredibly lame use of the Ole cheer. No matter how many times people point it out, Landcow fans just can't seem to get it through their incredibly thick skull that this cheer is something a bunch of drunken Scottish soccer hooligans do. Why Mankato fans continue to use this stupid cheer is beyond dumbfounding. The continued use of this cheer is as lame as all those morons who do The Wave at a 1-1 game with three minutes left. The difference is that Mankato fans do their lame little cheer every single game. Why? Are they really that stupid and unoriginal?

I say yes, yes they are. Mankato fans are among the dumbest I've ever encountered. When I was there earlier this year, they were angry that a penalty was called on Kael Mouillierat for cross-checking Brad Eidsness. Unless I missed a memo or something, checking the opposing goalie is pretty much a guaranteed penalty. This is but one example about the knuckleheads who frequent the Alltel Center or whatever it's called now. That's another reason the Landcows are so lame. Not only do they switch their school's name every other day, but their arena's name changes all the time too. It's idiotic. Then there is the use of the color purple and their incredibly ugly jerseys. It goes on and on and on. Mankato is just filled with complete buffoons.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Why Sioux Fans Suck

Since UND has a bye this week, I can't really talk about their opponent, so instead I'm going to talk about Sioux fans and why so many of them are such idiots. These are just a few of the reasons why so many of them piss me off. I know there are many more that I'm just not thinking of right now.

Bandwagon Jumping: UND starts the season off poorly or just doesn't win every game they play. People start hyperventilating and demand Hakstol be fired. Then UND starts kicking ass and all those people act like they knew it would happen all along. They are a bunch of douche bags. I hate these people. They should all move to Whitehorse, Yukon Territory and freeze to death because they suck. Seriously, screw these people. They act like total retards and complain about every single thing.


Irrational Expectations Not Met: They expect the team to win the national championship every year. There is nothing wrong with this, but when the Sioux don't do it, these idiots go back to thinking that UND is the worst team ever. Fucking idiots. You are a bunch of spoiled pricks. You somehow think that a bunch of college kids "owe" you a national championship. Well this isn't true, they don't owe you much of anything so STFU. As long as they aren't stabbing old ladies with rusty nails or throwing paraplegic children into wells, just be happy and shut up.

Reactions to Opponents Antics. They constantly rationalize what the Sioux do but other when teams do the same thing or something similar, they froth at the mouth and throw hissy fits. This is a lot like what my dad did like 10 years ago. He saw a guy cutting across a parking lot and said something like "Look at that stupid moron. Why do people do that. They are such idiots." I said "You do that all the time though." and he responded "Yeah, but when I do it, it's OK." Except my dad was half kidding. My dad isn't a total moron like a majority of Sioux fans. He realized I brought up a valid point. Sioux fans it seems can not do this. When a Gopher or Pioneer or Badger or any other player does something, it's a horrible abomination. When a Sioux player does it, he's either a hero or there is some reason why he had to do it. Occasionally this is true, but usually it's just a bunch of bullshit. The Sioux aren't perfect, stop acting like they are you dipshits.

Ref Conspiracies: Earth to Sioux fans, the refs don't give a crap about UND. They don't hate UND. They have better things to do. Stop bitching and whining. Not everything is a grand conspiracy against the Sioux. Shut the hell up and learn hockey before you start whining like a four year old having a time out. This isn't freaking Roswell or the X-Files, morons. It's a hockey game. I know you're from North Dakota, but stop smoking meth and coming up with all this stupid shit.

Caring What Others Think: Contrary to your beliefs, Jess Myers is allowed to have an opinion even if that opinion doesn't blow sunshine up UND's ass. Sure Mike Chambers is a freaking retard, but who cares? Laugh at what a talentless dickweasel he is. So quit bitching about every damn thing. It's not that big of a deal. A guy is allowed to say the Sioux suck without you getting your panties in a twist over it. Just calm down and shut up.

Hating Brian Lee: Never has there been more hatred then what was exhibited for Brian Lee. And it made no sense at all. Just because he wasn't like Mike Commodore or Matt Greene Sioux fans hated him. It was Goddamn ridiculous. He did absolutely nothing wrong and was a pretty good defenseman. No matter what he did though all these fucking mouthbreathing, cocksucking, talentless, braindead, imbred, shitbreathed, crosseyed dickhead retards could do was complain. He was supposedly the worst defenseman UND had ever had. Somehow, someway though Brian Lee managed to play in the NHL the year after he left UND. This just proves how moronic many Sioux fans truly are. They do not understand hockey and just decide to hate on a player every year. Absolutely idiotic.

One Specific Sioux Fan: I doubt his I.Q. even hits the decade he is stuck in. For some reason he thinks spearing opposing players is OK because it's part of the game while dropping your gloves is worthy of being excommunicated from hockey. How can you be that stupid? Oh wait, this is the same guy who thinks a senior should always play over a freshman until the freshman proves himself. That is unless the freshman is Jonathon Toews or Zach Parise or some other very talented player. This makes no sense at all, but that's just par for the course. Having a permed mullet, wearing leopard print pants and still being a Def Leppard groupie makes you a total loser. Get this through your skull, you fucking nimrod. You suck at life and seriously need to become a hermit as it would make the world a better place. Hell, become the next Unabomber, except totally fuck it up and accidentally blow yourself up.

More SCSU Fun

We've all seen the zany posts of the preppy startthebus on USCHO. Many people hate him and if you look at the picture you can see why. He looks pretty fruity holding that broom. Not only that but he's wearing a collared shirt at a hockey game. If that doesn't say frat boy wannabe preppy douchebag, I don't know what does.

I being the intrepid and caring journalist that I am though, I put these things aside, ventured to the Dogg Pound and interviewed him. Note: Once again parts of this interview may or not have actually occurred and I may have taken some liberties with what was actually said.
Before I start the interview, I just have to say that startthebus told me my blog was hillarious. This is obviously a given. He said he and Andrew, the other guy in the picture, spent 40 minutes looking for it though. The fact that it is linked in my sig and it took them working in tandem for 40 minutes says all that needs to said about an SCSU education.

Dirty: So startthebus I see that you have your name in electrical tape on the back of your shirt. Is this why I think it is?
STB: Umm, I'm not sure. Your question confuses me.
Dirty: So the guy knows what to call you when he's......
STB: HAHAHAHA, oh yeah. That is an added benefit. But I mainly wear it because I'm too cheap to make an iron on transfer.
Dirty: Wow, that's pretty pathetic. I mean those things are pretty cheap.
STB: Yeah, I know but I spend all my money so I can buy bling for my ear piercings.
Dirty: Isn't the left ear the gay ear?
STB: Well I have both ears pierced.
Dirty: Oh, so you're bisexual.
STB: ........................ (Obviously not understanding what I said)
Dirty: OK moving on, why did you come to SCSU?
STB: Well I'm from St. Francis, MN!
Dirty: Ummm, ok. That doesn't really explain anything.
STB: OK, a little more background. St. Francis has a really crappy hockey team and I figured, what the hell I should continue the tradition and go to a college that has a really crappy hockey team.
Dirty: Makes sense.
STB: It does. I'm so smart!
Dirty: I wouldn't go that far. So being from St. Francis, do you know recent Husky commit, Joey Benik?
STB: I do! Actually, I'm friends with his brother Charlie. He plays hockey for Finladia.
Dirty: Well aren't you lucky?
STB: I am! In fact when we were in high school, Charlie and I formed a male escort service called Sugar and Spice. I was Sugar. We catered to all St. Francisites and I do mean all.
Dirty: Ewwwwww.
STB: Don't knock it till you try it, man!
Dirty: Ummm, no. Ewwwwww.
STB: Both Charlie and I are hoping Joey follows in our footsteps. Having a DI player in our stable would really help our profit margains.
Dirty: This is getting a little too weird, even for me, therefore I'm going to change the subject now. I see that Joey has 85 points in 20 games and has 9 hat tricks. Does St. Francis play anyone?
STB: Pretty much no.
Dirty: Meadow Creek Christian? That's an actual school and they have a hockey team?
STB: I guess so.
Dirty: This is utterly pathetic. The only decent teams they play are Totino-Grace and Benilde. No wonder Joey scores so many points.



At this point in the interview, I noticed everyone's favorite person and the interview abruptly ended. When you taunt me, karma will get you. That's exactly what happened last night. I once again sat by Mrs. Grumpy, though a few rows farther back this time. She didn't notice me for most of the game, but then in the third period she saw me and decided it was once again time to taunt me. Well I had had enough of her taunting and decided to say something this time. She asked me what I did with the pictures I took. If I wallpapered my wall with them.

For two minutes I rationally explained to her why this made little economic sense in a very sarcastic tone and asked her how she became so brilliant. I don't think she knew what she was unleashing and I don't think she really appreciated me going off on her. But that's ok as it is safe to say that I had the everyone around me on my side after my response and she didn't say another word to me the entire game. Don't mess with me, Mrs. Grumpy, you will lose. Lesson learned.

I was then visited by a security guard who probably thought I was about to murder someone. But then he realized who I was and immediately changed his tune and was on my side. Once again Mrs. Grumpy, know your role. I rule.