Sunday, September 27, 2009

Again with these Guys?

I am seriously getting tired of playing Manitoba and their grammatically incorrect mascot. Every year UND plays these guys and every year they win. Why are we even bothering with this any more? Can't we play the WCHA Women's All-Stars or something? The highlight of this game is going to be seeing UND wear new uniforms. Zippity Doo Dah Day. New uniforms! No wonder this is the lowest attended game of the season, no one cares. What a silly waste of time.

Manitoba has a new coach this year. Well not really, but kind of. Mike Sirant has returned as the Bisonseses head coach after spending three years as the coach of the Danish national team. I barely remembered that Danishland had a hockey team until I read about Sirant. I was planing on making fun of Sirant and Lower Norway here, but meh. Who cares? I wonder if they could beat Manitoba? They should try, it has to be a better game than what will happen next Sunday.

Anyways, let's review the Manitoba website once again. To no one's surprise it once again blows. At least it's blowing in a new and original way though. Last year, Manitoba didn't bother to update the website and hence still had graduated players listed as on the team. This year, they've eliminated half the team and are only listing 13 players on their roster. Is that even legal? Don't you need to dress 18 players and a goalie or forfeit? Speaking of Manitoba's roster, I am once again amazed how they classify player's hometowns. It is completely disorganized. Some players have just their cities listed while some have their cities, province and country listed. Is the country really even necessary? Whether it is or not, this hometown listing is a problem every year and really isn't that difficult to fix. They just don't fix it though and it's beginning to annoy me. I really don't think asking for consistency is really that big of a request, but for Manitoba I guess it is.

It's not all negative with the Manitoba Bisonseses though. Once again Manitoba is a cheap ticket. Heck, it's getting even cheaper to go to games now. $50 for the whole season for all sports. ALL SPORTS! Every year I am amazed by this, it is such a deal. I can not believe they actually sell season tickets to one sport, much less all sports combined, for that price. You can barely get a single Sioux-Gopher ticket for that price.

There is one final thing I must say and it's another positive!

Dear Pierre-Paul Lamoureux,

I notice you have left Manitoba to come home to UND. This is wonderful and I welcome you back home. It's nice to see that you have wised up PPL, or as some people call you, PP. Given that you have returned to your rightful place, I immediately rescind everything bad I said about you last year. You aren't afraid of your sisters and they aren't embarrassed to be related to you. I apologize for any feelings hurt last year or people I angered with my scathing commentary of you, PPL. Please don't release your girlfriend/friends upon my blog again.

Thank You,

Dirty

Saturday, September 26, 2009

DU Students Attempt to Copy UND Campout; Fail.

Yesterday afternoon a campout began for 500 student season ticket packages that went on sale this morning at the University of Denver. Hopes were high that DU students just might be able to emulate the students of their bitter rivals at the University of North Dakota and have a "Tent City". Early reports are that upwards of 27 of the 500 packages have been sold. Unfortunately, 15 students returned their tickets immediately after purchasing them. As explained by Drew Stevens, "We heard Barry Manilow was coming here and thought we were purchasing tickets to the concert." So that left DU with 12 student season ticket packages sold. By any typical school's standards this would be considered an abysmal failure. Pioneer students attempted to copy their heroes and like most sequels, it failed miserably. At DU though it is considered a great success. To me this is totally pathetic. 12 season tickets sold and DU is proud of this? Really? Wow, is that sad. Not surprising though, Denver fans absolutely suck. Proof of this suck comes in the middle of season when of those 12 "diehard" student season ticket holders, six show up for the game. Why? Because they believe it's more fun to fall down a mountain then it is to watch the Jelly Donuts play hockey.

DU Superfan, dggoddard, (note: a DU Superfan is defined as someone who attends 3+ Pioneer games/season) believes the key to getting all 12 of the students coming to the games in January is simple. Denver needs to make the games more fun for students. Better music, better entertainment, cheerleaders, etc are all required. Because obviously watching one of the top teams in the country isn't enough, the sophisticated palate of the typical DU student requires flashy lights and sparkles to draw them in.

To some DU fan's credit, they are attempting to solve the lackluster attendance by having the DU Grilling Society. Nothing draws in college students like free food. But really shouldn't this just be an added benefit of going to the games? No one will be attending games just to get food and if they are, they'll leave after they get the free food. That is unless the Grilling Society is making a sparkly trail from the grilling area to the student section in Magness Arena. Even in that case, I'm sure these students will just leave as soon as something else peaks their interest.

An idea I have for drumming up season tickets sales would have been for DU coach George "Dasher Dancer" Gwozdecky to come out last night to meet and greet with the students who were camping out. Unfortunately for DU students, George had more important things to do and was busy last night. Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie had an appointment with the Colorado Rockies announcing crew. People who watched the broadcast have informed me George agreed to visit with the Rockies announcers in order to talk about a fan base that actually cares about their team. Gwoz was absolutely beaming when speaking of the Fighting Sioux fans and his love for them. He mentioned several times how much he wished his own team's fans even had 1/10th the passion. George, how right you are. It's nice to see you are finally coming around to see how great we are. I'd like to think that I played a small part in George coming to this realization when I had him sign my book last year. Thanks again Dasher Monkey!!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

UNDUI's: History's Second Worst Fantasy Team

This summer I was asked to join a WCHA Fantasy League by MeanEgirl and I figured what the hell. It would be free and there was really nothing to lose, right?

Wrong. I find out this week that this thing is going to cost me $10. Well crap. I absolutely suck at everything fantasy, so I may as well just burn $10. I am totally hosed. It'll be fun though and the draft will be awesome though, right?

Wrong. Tip for anyone looking to join a Fantasy League of any kind, never join a league that has more than one St. Cloud State University fan. It's destined for disaster. Between Weldie forgetting about the draft entirely and another SCSU fan constantly losing his internet connection, it was hilarious. Incompetence at it's best.

But the highlight of the draft was Darcy "No, not Travis. DARCY" Zajac going in the fifth round. Darcy is most remembered for getting his butt handed to him two years ago by Tony Lucia. He averaged 0.44 points/game with a scoring line of 4-8-12 last year in the WCHA. I certainly made mistakes in the draft, most notably taking too many freaking UND forwards, but at least I didn't take a 10th round player in the fifth round. Even Al Davis wouldn't do that.

I need to credit dggoddard for my team picture. What better picture for the UNDUI's then a record of all their shenanigans? Plus I got to steal other people's hard work. Not only is that much easier than doing things myself, but it's fun too. I also need to dedicate the team name to Matt Frattin. Without him, I don't think I'd have thought of the name. I was trying to come up with a good name that involved Matt's name and something about lawn mowers. I was about about to go with Frattin's Mower Throwers when UNDUI's came to be like when Mary had that vision of Gabriel, only my vision was much more important and meaningful. So thank you

On to my "awesome" picks! RWD and MEg put all sorts of effort into planning and researching. I'm assuming other people in this league did something similair. I, on the other hand, took naps.

Round 1: Mike Lee - SCSU - Thank God I didn't go first, because I would've taken a forward. Since I picked like 4th, I started to panic.

Me: ARRRRGHHHH!!!! The only three competent proven goalies in the WCHA are gone, I'm totally screwed. Quick brain, who's Wisconsin's goalie?
Brain: Huh? What?
Me: Crap! Umm....ahhhh...ummm... a goalie? Mike Lee!!! Oh yeah, he's gonna be good right?
Brain: Wait! Are you sure that's the way this sort of thing works?
Me: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!


Round 2: Anthony Maiani - DU - This is who I was planning on taking in the first round. Hooray! I still got him! Hooray!!! DU's gonna destroy everyone this year, so Maini will get a zillion points. At least he better or I'll be a bitter bear.

Round 3: Kurt Davis - MSUM - Sure he's a jerk. Sure he's a total mama's boy and his mommy gets her panties in a knot when you make fun of him. He's pretty good though.

Round 4: Derek Stepan - UW - This guy had two goals against UND in the last game of the regular season. I had never heard of him before. This is the only reason I drafted him. This is also why I stink at this fantasy stuff. Stephan is a good player and I had no idea of his existence.

Round 5: Ryan McDonagh - UW - Two BADgers in a row. YEECH! I feel sick. He'll be good this year though, so I swallowed my pride and took him. On the plus side, he's not a pure breed cheesehead since he's from Arden Hills, MN. This is the round Darcy Zajac was taken in. Just saying.

Round 6: Jason Gregoire - UND - He told Denver to stuff it. That's worthy of his selection all by itself. He's also going to be on the first line for UND this year.

Round 7: Brett Hextall - UND - I'm too Hexy for this league. No justification needed.

Round 8: Jordan Baker - MTU - To quote Private Pyle "I am in a world of shit." That is Jordan Baker. A good player on a crap team. Hopefully he can score a bunch of goals because God knows he won't get many assists with the clowns that will be his linemates.

Round 9: Curtis Leinwebber - UAA - I looked him up. He was the best pick available I thought. I'm probably wrong though. I sort of remember this guy from last year, but not really

Round 10: Mike Cichy - UND - This will either be a great pick or a crap pick. Who knows.

Round 11: Jon Olthius - UAA - I'd like to thank RWD for taking Austin Lee here. I was going to pick him! I'd have had the Lee's for my goalies. Boo to you Ms. PBHjT!!!! Instead I got Olthuis. He better be a better pick than Aaron Dell would've been or I'll be hella pissed

Round 12: Ben Hanowski - SCSU - Another either great or crappy pick. Might be tough for Ben when he has to play against opponents who know how to skate.

Round 13: Nate Prosser - CC - Who the heck is this guy? No idea. He had 10 points last year though.

Round 14: David Toews - UND - I'm taking way too many Sioux players here. I think Toews will have a much better season than he did last year though. At least 20 points.

Round 15: Nick Rioux - SCSU - Drafted cause his name rhymes with Sioux! No other reason

Round 16: Mario Lamoureux - UND - What? Another freaking UND player? Are you an idiot? Yes, I think I am. This was my last pick of the draft though and I expect Mario to have points similair to what Not Travis Zajac will and I got him 11 rounds later.

I don't think this team is very good, mainly because half the team is Sioux players and that means trouble when UND can't score. We'll see though.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Freshman Taunting: Junior Year

I totally slacked off at the end of last year by not posting after the Colorado College series. Then I continued to slack off by not posting all summer. This is becoming a pattern with me. At least last year I had an excuse with no Sioux players being arrested or anything. This year there was comedy gold when Matt Frattin and Joe "Unibrow" Finley were arrested for tossing a lawn mower in the street. That is absolute greatness right there. Most college students are arrested for underaged drinking or having a loud party. This wasn't good enough for Matt or Joe though. No, they take pride in their arrest records and insisted they be tossed in the slammer for something unique. And what is more unique than tossing a lawn mower in the street? I say nothing. Or at least nothing that doesn't involve all those weird things Wisconsinites do. Another plus side to the Two F's saga is that Finley listened to me. Last year I had hoped he'd fight a polar bear or do something cool. He did it this year. To that I say thank you, Joe. I'm proud of you.

Another tradition I've done is taunting the freshman and their lame pictures. Sadly this year seems to have a rather weak crop, with a few exceptions there is nothing very exciting about them. I won't let that deter me from my mission though. So onward I go. Especially since it seems like half the team is freshman.

This year the team seemed to take a step back from the awesome suits and just wore polo shirts. They all wore the same shirt though. Well they probably didn't all wear the same exact shirt, but they wore matching shirts. That's lame. I want to see some variety and flair. Like in Office Space.

Brett Bruneteau I really have nothing to say about Brett. Nice number choice, I guess. Hopefully he's as awesome as fellow Brett, Hexy. I think I'm going to nickname Bruneteau "Banana". No reason.

Michael Cichy Mikey, as he likes to be called, looks like a guy I went to UND with. I called him Jebediah because he had one of those Amish chin beards. This is an ironic name given I think he hates Jesus.

Aaron Dell If ever there was a guy made to star on the show Whitest Kids I Know, it's this guy. Does he wear sunscreen 24-7? It looks like he'd get burned from the two watt bulb in a refrigerator. I guess since he's always on the lookout for the sun to make sure his skin doesn't melt, he doesn't have time to invest in a comb. Unfortunate.

Joe Gleason Undecided on major? Let me help you out Joe. You're going to major in accounting. You are an accountant. Don't fight this. Accept this. Move out of Walsh Hall and move into Gamble Hall. It is your calling. It is your destiny.

Ryan Hill I thought there was nothing to say about Bruneteau, ummmmm.....I'll be back when I think of something to say about him because right now I have nothing.

Corban Knight Corban seemed like a strange name to me so I looked it up. Who said you didn't learn anything by coming to this blog?

Danny Kristo He does have the Conan O'Brien hair going for him though and that's a definite plus. Maybe he can take over for Brad Miller. All we need is an Andy Richter type chap and awesomeness will ensue. Since he's second cousin to Ben Blood, I nominate Ben Blood.

Andrew MacWilliam If hockey doesn't work out for him, I think he could become muscle in the Scottish Mob. Does Scotland even have a mob? If so is it like the mob from Snatch? Would MacWilliam meet people who talk like Brad Pitt? Should I conduct the rest of this blog entry typing like a Piker talks? An interesting idea, but Goon already does that and I don't want to steal his thunder.

Tate Maris Sure he's the third string goalie, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe taking his picture will steal his soul. Use a Polaroid if you're too cheap to use a real camera. Draw a picture. Do something. Don't let the kid go through life with no picture. That's just cruel. As pointed out by Geist, wise decision on Tate's part to get away from Denver. No one likes Denver. Except Geist given he lives there. How confusing.

Carter Rowney Heeheee. Sexsmith! Heehee!!! Those are nearly Mike Singletary eyes. Carter could bore through a diamond with those.

Ryan Hill I told you I'd come back to him. I still have nothing to say about him though. He's like the rice cake of hockey players.