Sunday, October 25, 2009

Ren&Stimpy Polynesia Illness

RPI is off to another horrible start. Sure they somehow managed to beat a New Hampshire team that must have been on on crack, but have since been their typical crappy selves. Going 0-1-1 against the Alaska schools is really nothing to write home about. Or email home about between marathon sessions of WoW in the case of the typical RPI student. Following that up by needing overtime to beat Sacred Heart just shows what a poor program the nerds from Rensselaer have. And finally they barely beat American International. I think a Simpsons quote is applicable here:

Mr. Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why [RPI] even bothers to show up. They barely even won.
Smithers: Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.
When is the last time RPI was even relevant? The more insane people of you might say similair things about Union, but RPI has totally gone down the crapper and they will obviously never recover. Union is a team on the rise while RPI is a team on it's way to becoming a whipping boy if they aren't already there. Pathetic.

Since we're talking about things at RPI that used to be, at one time RPI had something cool. Puckman. While they still have Puckman, he's no longer cool. This guy/girl....oh wait it can't be a girl, RPI doesn't have girls.....looks like a complete loser. And that isn't even a puck! it's a freaking sticker. This goober should be called Stickerman. Why do so many people think this dink is cool? Just look at him, it's obvious that he can barely even skate. He has no arms, just hands and carries a moronically oversized stick. Obviously he is trying to compensate for something. As far as that stupid "engineering helmet" he wears, it looks like a Greek fishing hat. No one wears those things still. Join the 21st Century Stickerman.

On to the game, is there any doubt that Kelly Zajac is going to completely destroy the Engineers? I'm guessing he'll score at least two goals and have one assist. Afterall, he's a Zajac and Zajac's rule. Kelly Zajac is also a 12th degree blackbelt, so in addition to outscoring them he will also beat up all of the nerds from Troy.

Dutchman Crush.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Sourdough Mining Co. and Other Atrocities

Since I really could not care less about the crappy and boring team that is the University of Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves, I looked for something else to write about this week. The only thing I could think of was to make fun of the mascot/prospector of the Sourdough Mining Co., Dusty. While looking for info on him, I located some of the crappiest commercials known to man. which coincidentally all just happen to originate in Alaska.

Let us start with the namesake of this blog entry and check out a Sourdough Mining Company commercial:

OK, this commercial starts out and I seriously have no idea what "Dusty" says. Perhaps something about being a hobo who has been given a fresh set of clothes? To answer your question Mr. Singer Guy...No, corn fritters don't sound very tasty to me. They sound disgusting in fact. I really wish I could have found the commercial that is featured during UAA games where Dusty loads his caravan up full of food with his mule Jake. That one is just comedy gold. This one is just average. The theme song is nowhere near UAA! UAA! We are the Seawolves and we're ready to play! Then again, what is? After seeing this commercial, I decided to check out the Sourdough Mining Company website . Look at this. How pathetic is Alaska? They are giving seasonal shows to hobos now? Shouldn't Donald have a job in this case?


Sex may be worth waiting for, but this commercial wasn't. This isn't just an awful Alaska commercial, it's an awful anything commercial. I want that 30 seconds of my life back.

Alaskans Are Drunks:

I wish I was deaf. So when the guy gets put in the back of the cop car he's wearing a hat. Then when shown riding in the back he's no longer wearing a hat. Once he gets out of the car he's back to wearing a hat. Once placed in the slammer, no hat. Hello Continuity!

Smoking Kills Peoples!!!!!:

First of all, what the hell does a solar eclipse have to do with secondhand smoke? As for the message of the commercial, I disagree completely. I believe all people should be forced to breath secondhand smoke. Is that guy in the white shirt wearing a carpet sample on his head or something?

Crappy Carpet:

Wow, the production values on this one are sky high. That bird sounds like it has hiccups more than anything else. And is it wearing glasses? Why is it teal? You do have to admire how the bird can hover though. I thought only hummingbirds did that.

Dancing Morons:

Ahhh, the commercial that will be played 112 times this weekend and at least once every break. I do wonder where they recruited all these peons from though. I counted 10 different people, including the hockey player and mascot. That leaves eight fans and we all know UAA doesn't have that many fans.

Boozeless Parties:

Madame, you are WRONG! Alcohol abuse is never something to celebrate! Just pouring it out? What the? That is just not right.

Crappy Carpet Without the Bird:

What in the world kind of dance is that? It looks like a cross between a seizure and the "I have to pee but the bathroom is being used" dance. Quite the fashion statement though. Red shirt, leather vest and Spongebob tie.

Sioux Sweep.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Total Arse Whooping: The Sequel

Different Year, Same Result. At least to start with and actually it's the same year too. In the end though, it was like most sequels and just wasn't the same. It started out great but then sort of fizzled when compared to the original. It's not that it was bad, it's just that it couldn't quite live up to it's expectations.

At least it started out great though. Seriously I was beginning to become concerned for the Gophers. They just do not show up in Grand Forks. It's hilarious but is a bit concerning. No wait, it's not concerning at all. It's just hilarious. My grandma's bridge club could have put up a bigger fight.

Saturday Night

Oi, look at that! It's one of the most elusive and rare sightings in all of college hockey! A Golden Gopher lead in Ralph Engelstad Arena!!! By cranky, you see something like this and you just have to treasure it. Much like "the Whale," only beats Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime, so do the Gophers get a lead at Engelstad.

Ahhh, that's just sad. The rare Gopher lead has disappeared, likely to never be seen again. One hopes that the Gophers react well to this.

Well scratch that. Putting a guy in a headlock and dragging him over to the corner, throwing his helmet away and jumping back on him is more of sign that Tony Lucia has a future in Mexican Wrestling than a sign that the Gophers are reacting well to losing the lead.

And now the Gophers trail! Being outshot 20-8. They lose the lead, then jump players and now are losing the game. Wow this is just sad.

Ooooo! The Gophers tie it back up! With a shorthanded goal! Exciting!

!!!!! I was wrong! A second oh so rare sighting! In one night! This is amazing!!!!

Awwww. That didn't last long at all. Barely a minute.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Gopher Dance Studio?

Does this picture really even need comment? Drew Fisher, Alex Kangas, Cade Fairchild and Mike Hoeffel obviously have no shame. I take that back, Fisher obviously does have shame because he wisely quit the Gopher team to avoid further embarrassment for himself and his family. Good job Drew, way to prove you have a brain in that head of yours. Unfortunately for your teammates, they don't share this particular trait. Then again, I don't know why I'm surprised by this picture. After all the Gophers are the team who thought just because you're in college doesn't mean the whole team can't get perms or bleach their hair. Just a tip for Gopher players, never use something on your hair that Wisconsin natives drink. It's just a good rule to live by.

Back to the picture. What exactly are these four marshmallowheads attempting to do? Synchronized Ice Dancing? Are they hoping to become Olympians in this since they don't have a chance of making it with hockey? Trying out for Karate Kid 4? Hoping to sell their dignity to the highest bidder? Whatever their objective, I hope they achieved it.

If the above picture proves only one thing, it's that Gopher players are idiots. Speaking of idiots, I think we've found some here. Currently 475 members who, if you read through the comments, have a combined IQ a shade under 500. It's also nice to see that the group maintains the Minnesota Xenophobic tradition of not allowing any outsiders to join the group. Different opinions are scary and shouldn't be allowed! This group seems to be devoted to the scores of insecure Gopher fans who aren't smart enough to have any comeback to Sioux fans when they are taunted. So they join a support group with their fellow thin skinned babies so they can cry on each other's shoulders and complain about UND. It's sort of cute. But it's also pretty sad. The pathetic life that is the average Gopher fan exhibited in that group. I believe we should start a collection for all these poor Gopher souls. Who's with me on this?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Miss Merrimack

Mack Mack
Team plays like Crap Crap Crap
They give up lots of Goals Goals Goals
Grads live in Shacks Shacks Shacks

This team plain old blows. They haven't had a winning season since 1988-89 and that was only because they were an DI Independent and playing Little St. Annes Blind Paraplegic Underprivileged Girls School for the Poor. I don't even know why UND is playing them. Pity? Free Pairwise Wins? Who knows. Whooping a glorified DII team isn't that exciting. I think I'd rather nap. Naps rule.

Let's look at all the examples of Merrimack's craptacularness.
  • A success story is when one of their player's makes the AHL. Oooh, the Worchester Sharks. WTG! Even Anchorage doesn't find that impressive.
  • They have two, count 'em TWO, draft picks. Whooptee Doo.
  • Stupid Birthday promotion on October 23. What about me? What if I want to go to a game? I have to pay? I want a free ticket! I'm being hosed. BOOOO!!!
  • Sponsor a Jersey Program. Evidently no one wants to sponsor a jersey since it hasn't been updated for two years. Also toughest conference in college hockey? HA! Just the fact that Merrimack is in the Hockey East excludes it from being the toughest conference in college hockey.
  • They have a Frenchy who is curently ineligible.
  • Team Lincoln Log Lift.

Enough about the crappy hockey team though, lets find out more about the school.
  • Merrimack College is a school located in North Hanover, MA. Never heard of it.
  • Merrimack's president looks like a fat version of my grandpa.
  • Merrimack is filled with Jesus Freaks. Sad.
  • When using FireFox Merrimack's FAQ's looks like a eye chart. That's bad website programming. Shame on Christopher Blundon, who I assume is in charge of such a thing.

Lastly, I petition Danny Kristo be given the nickname Count. It just works.