Sunday, October 24, 2010

DJ Jazzy Josh

I don't typically delve into the realm of the Eletro music scene, but sometimes you just have to make an exception for those exceptional cases. The masked fellow you see in the photo is Jashko (Yash-ko). At least I think it's Jashko, I'm not totally sure. He may actually be a Mexican wrestler. Either way Jashko's real name is Josh Rosenholtz and he is Denver's third string goalie.

As far as I can figure, Rosie learned that he was not a very good goalie when he came to college. Due to this, he decided he needed to find other ways to fill his spare time. After stamp collecting and ship-in-a-bottle building failed, he discovered is that he could steal other people's music and screw it up. This is called plagiarism in literature, but evidently it's called Electro in music. Soon after he began plagiarizing, Jashko discovered he had a talent for stealing other people's work and started opening for other bands/acts. According to this nice article he was "sometimes playing in front of crowds as large as several thousand". In other words crowds larger than those that come to Magness Arena.

This summer Jashko was asked to join the Pioneers as shooting target. With this he can no longer focus on his soon to be fledgling music career and is instead having to focus more on trying to match his coach's dapper style while sitting in the press box or recently develop a technique to pull splinters out of his butt. Hopefully when MMFF gets two hat tricks this weekend, Jashko will make his way into the game and we can learn more about his awesome stylings.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Baldy Goes Inside the Manitoba Bisons

I really had no idea what I would do this year for the Manitoba games. UND plays them every year and there is never any info on them. I have to make crap up usually and that is just something that I don't like to do. I pride myself on my honesty and integrity. So much so that I am considering applying for a press pass. I think I deserve it and I'm sure you all agree. Given all of this, really what is the point of saying anything about Manitoba? I don't have any new information on the team or anything interesting to say about them. Or so I thought. Fortunately I found a video on YouTube that is pure gold. Hopefully it will do most of the work for me.



Let's start off with pointing out the obvious. No wonder tickets are so cheap, no one goes to the games. Despite half the team being from Winnipeg, where U of Manitoba is located, not even the players families appear to go to the games. I count approximately 30 people in the stands behind Baldy. If you project that out to the entire arena, I'd guess there are around 110 people at this game. That's less than American International. Pathetic.

Baldy saying Iowa St. looks like a AAA team is quite the ironic statement. Let's take a look at Manitoba's track record against NCAA teams.
2009: 0-1. Lost 7-1 to UND.
2008: 0-2. Lost 6-2 to UND. Lost 5-0 to UNO.
2007: 0-3. Lost 9-3 to UND (This is the game where JPL faced two shots in the first period and save neither). Lost 8-1 to UNO. Lost 3-2 to Canisius.
2006: 0-2. Lost 5-2 to UND. Lost 8-0 to UNO.
2005: 1-2. Beat Bemidji St. 5-3. Lost to UND 6-1. Lost 7-0 to UNO.
2004: 1-2. Lost 8-3 to UND. Lost 7-0 to UNO. Beat Bemijdi St. 5-3.
2003: 1-0. Beat UNO 5-2.
2002: 0-2. Lost 6-1 to UND. Lost 6-0 to UNO
2001: 0-2. Lost 4-1 to UND. Lost 6-1 to UNO.
2000: 0-1. Lost 5-4 to UND. Lost 6-1 to UNO.
1999: 0-1. Lost 6-4 to UND. Lost 5-3 to UNO.
1998: 0-1. Lost 7-3 to UND.
So in the last twelve years Manitoba is 3-19 being outscored 146-44. Not too impressive. On top of this, at least Iowa State's nickname is grammatically correct. Baldy should probably just keep his mouth shut. I think I see hair falling out of his head every time he says something.

Showing Baldy in the crowd was great. He seemed to be the only one watching the game and was yelling an awful lot. Though he did seem to be just yelling random words. Hit 'em! Slash 'em! GET BACK!!!!!!

Does Rick Wood have to go potty? Why is insisting on running in place? Wait a minute, is Baldy his brother? Or are they married and Baldy changed his name? Man, this gets sadder all the time.

Ricky has some interesting things to say about Mike Hellyer. The important thing about this is that Hellyer is the only player featured in this video who is still on the team. Therefore he needs to be taunted. Like why isn't he as good with the Beer Bong as Captain Cal (Calin Wild)?

Judging from the highlights of the game, I was wrong on the crowd size. There appears to only be seats on three sides of the arena and much like games at Sullivan Arena, no one is sitting in any of them. So my revised attendance guesstimate is 12.

Last but not least, Brad Eidsness' twin apparently plays for the Bisons.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Freshman: The Computer Repair Edition

It's really about time UND updated the roster pictures. I was expecting to be able to do this a few weeks ago but evidently the UND athletic department was too busy changing their nickname and showing no balls to update the pictures. Unfortunate. This year's freshman are rather boring and judging by their apparel, without money to purchase quality clothing. Combined they look to have the personality of a thumb tack. Also unfortunate. What happened to having players with personalities like Hexy and Ben Blood? Instead the team is going in the opposite direction and are taking after their coach. This makes me sad and does not bode well for Brad Miller Time. After Hexy and Mario are gone, who will host? Ryan Hill and Tate Maris? Well, it would give them something to do.

Derek Forbort - Appears he beat up a Geek Squad employee and stole his uniform. While he does have quality Joe Mauer-esque sideburns, he should demand the UND web monkeys spell check his bio.
Is it really that difficult to spell things properly? The answer is yes. Because the UND web monkeys are the same gomers who have been selling a picture of "The Barn" for two years. The only problem with this is that the link to purchase it does not work. It's been like this for two years. Just fix it already.

Derek Rodwell - Eyebrows are flatter than Grand Forks. If only he had a Jordan Foote unibrow, he could be Bert from Sesame Street. Also beat up Geek Squad employee. If hockey career fizzles out, could be stunt double for Ryan Reynolds.

Dillon Simpson - Puts more time into styling and highlighting his hair than his mother. Geek Squad beater upper #3. The greatest defenseman since Bobby Orr. Why are his dad's Stanley Cups listed backwards? UND web monkeys screwing up once again. What a surprise. I'm sure they won't fix this either. Freaking worthless twits.

Brock Nelson - The next Bernie Madoff given his major. Greases down his hair like my cousin, Wayne. Even has the same goofy looking hairstyle. Geek Squad #4.

Apparently everyone on this team beats up Geek Squad employees and steals their $3 ties. Maybe it's part of freshman initiation or something? I'm not sure. I suppose it's better than stealing stop signs though.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bitterness Thy Name is Dirty

So I did this stupid WCHA draft again this year. Luckily I weaseled RWD into hooking me up with all the work she did and thus my team won't suck as much this year. Unluckily, I got fucked in the last round. Greased up and fucked right up the poop shoot. Some retard who doesn't even understand hockey but joined this league anyways had someone else draft for him. This someone else picks Dillon Simpson the pick right before me. I was pissed. I am pissed. I will remain pissed. Fuck this game. I don't even know if I'll do anything this year. This is fucking bullshit.

On to my picks, of which I do not even care about any more. Fuck this. And fuck you. And you. And you. Fuck everyone.

Round 1: Kenny Reiter - UMD - G: There are only three decent goalies in the WCHA. Reiter is one of them. Since my team sucked last year I got the #3 pick, so I was able to take him. He'll probably suck now. Go me.

Round 2: Anthony Maiani - DU - F: The second year in a row I've taken Maiani in the second round. I immediately regretted this pick and still think I should've taken Jason Gregoire. He'll probably suck now. Go me.

Round 3: Matt Read - BSU - F: The best player for Bemidji State. Hopefully he won't totally suck now that he has to play good teams every weekend instead of twits from Bob Morris and Alabama. But he probably will. Go me.

Round 4: Ben Youds - MSUM - D: Yeah, whatever. He was pretty good on the PP last year, so I took him. Who cares? He will probably suck now. Go me.

I was pretty happy with my team right now. It was going pretty well and I didn't have to rely on all UND players since I didn't have any clue on what the hell to do.

Round 5: Ryan Lowery - CC - D: I don't know who this guy is. I really don't pay much attention to many players it seems. He appears good, but I have no idea. He will probably suck this year. Go me.

Round 6: Jacob Cepis - UM - F: Cepis an annoying little dick who can score points. He was pretty good once he was eligible to play. He'll probably be weighed down by the UofM crappiness that ruins all Gopher players though this year. I'm sure he will suck this year. Go me.

Round 7: Beau Bennett - DU - F: A supposedly awesome freshman. We'll see. I probably jinxed him and his kneecap will explode or something in November. Blah.

Round 8: Eric Olimb - UNO - D: Some Maverick guy who scored some points in the Cupcake Conference. Much like Read, he'll probably suck now that he has to play real teams.

Round 9: Stephen Schultz - CC - F: Another CC player who I have no idea about. Truthfully I don't even remember if he was my seventh pick. I don't remember any of my picks now. They all glob together like if you mixed several colors of PlayDoh. So maybe he wasn't my seventh pick. Whatever. He'll probably suck this year. Go me.

Round 10: John Faulkner - UNO - G: I needed a second goalie and this guy is UNO's starting goalie. This was a steal.

Round 11: Sam Zabkowicz - SCSU - D: I pretty much drafted all defensemen I know nothing about. So again, whatever.

Round 12: Drew Shore - DU - F
: A steal or something for this round. Kinda like Dillon Simpson would've been if I wasn't fucked out of him. Screw you all.

Round 13: Brock Nelson - UND - F: I needed a UND player and Nelson is going to be a stud. If I didn't jinx him. I hope I jinx Bennett and not Nelson because DU sucks.

Round 14: Luka Vidmar - UAA - D: If I know nothing about defensemen from real schools, I won't have a clue about a guy like this.

Round 15: Matt Ambroz - UNO - F: No idea again. I'm just making random picks now.

Round 16: Taylor Dickin - UND - F: This guy isn't coming until after Christmas and even then he probably won't even play. But who cares? I wanted Dillon Simpson. I am fucking pissed off. I should have gotten him. This fucking sucks. Fuck everyone.

I was very happy with this team until the last pick. It absolutely ruined the entire draft for me. I seriously do not care anymore now. I'll finish last and I don't care. I don't even want to do this anymore. So if someone else wants to take over this team, go for it.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Official Final Five Band

The WCHA, concerned that Aaron Marvin may elbow a piccolo player in the head, has decided not to bring the Michigan Tech Band to the Final Five this year. Instead sources close to WCHA commissioner Bruce McLeod say that he is considering bringing in the Minnesota Gopher Band.

An unnamed source who has knowledge of the situation said, "It's been common knowledge since January that the Gopher hockey team really has no prayer of making the Final Five. This was bad news for our Final Five attendance numbers and we were in need of a contingency plan given 98% of Gopher fans are bandwagon fans. The Gopher Band is our contingency plan."


This is just a great idea if you ask me and there are so many ways to sucker in the bandwagon Gopher fans. This just may be the best decision Bruce McLeod has ever made. Sure that isn't saying much, but let's give credit to him on the rare occasions that he warrants it.

The Final Five would not be the same without Gopher fans. Drunk Bandwagon Gopher fans to be specific. If you need proof of the problems the WCHA could run into of a Final Five without Minnesota, you just need to look at the Gopher-Badger game played today. Gopher fans barely showed up today because the game was "meaningless". Given that a majority of Minnesota fans won't even bother to show up to a game with their biggest rival, they obviously won't show up to a Final Five when Minnesota isn't there. This is why I think McLeod's idea is brilliant. By having the Gopher band at the game, McLeod might trick just enough Gopher fans into showing up. One suggestion I have is to have the Gopher Band play the Rouser outside the X before a game and watch all the Gopher zombies be drawn in like moths to a flame.

Another idea would be to have the band play after UMD scores. Since a majority of Gopher fans wouldn't know a hockey puck if it hit them in the face, they will just assume that the maroon team out on the ice is Minnesota and will therefore do their spelling cheer.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Eli Unpronounceable

Let's just start off with this. Yes, that is a real name. No, I will not tell you how to pronounce it. Learning how to pronounce Eli's name is like being allowed in a Secret Club. Until you prove you deserve the honor of properly pronouncing the name, you will forever be in the dark. Onto the blog.

So it's come to this. Michigan Tech fans are no longer even trying to support their team. Instead they have thrown their support behind talentless defenseman, Eli Vlaisavljevich. Not for his athletic accomplishments (duh) but instead for his academic accomplishments. He's been given the Tech Award for Super Awesome Fun Guy Genius or something, so he was nominated for this stupid award where I believe he can win a year supply of 2x4's, a box of wood glue and an assortment of bathroom fixtures.

Tech fans were absolutely giddy at the prospect of actually winning something, even if it was just a worthless award that came with a 25 lb. bag of potting soil. True to Michigan Tech tradition though, Tech fans are failing at this support. Eli is getting his butt kicked by Colin Greening. Maybe Tech fans really don't care that much about this award after all. It was just a few short years ago when they were stuffing the Hobey ballot for some random goalie. Cam Ellsworth I think his name was. Ultimately it doesn't matter really what his name was as he sucked, but at least Tech fans showed real support for their talentless players instead of just faking the support like they do now.

Finally, what is the deal with this? Are they really that lazy and unwilling to update their crappy site? Don't they want to recruit new members or let everyone know where their next little "competition" is? How will we get recent pictures of them prancing around the field covered in paint specks? I demand the Michigan Tech Paintball Club updates their website.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Husky Plans

ST. CLOUD, MN (AP) -- Will it happen? That is the question that is on the lips of many St. Cloud residents this year. Will the local college hockey team, the St. Cloud State University Huskies, finally get over the hump and win a playoff game this year? Many a teams have tried and many a teams have failed. From Mark Parrish to his brother Geno "Clown Hair" Parrish to Tyler "Chubbs" Arnason to current players such as Garret Roe and Ryan Lasch, they've about as successful as Crystal Clear Pepsi. Residents are upbeat this year though as the Huskies are 10-1-1 in their last 12 games and believe that the Curse of the Llama may finally be lifted in a few months. Parties at The Red Carpet and McRudy's are already in the works for this momentous occasion, there is a rumor that a ticker tape parade down University Avenue is being planned and local seamstresses are bidding for the right to make a banner.

Husky fan Zack L. said "This is the year, I can feel it. And mark my words, the Schlitz will be flowing when the clock hits zero. Beating Clarkson will be the greatest moment of my life."

Other Husky fans aren't quite as confident though. "It's been the same [censored], different year for twenty years now. Why would this year be any different?" said a SCSU fan who did not wish to be identified, "I won't believe it until I see it. I hope they prove me wrong, but I doubt it."

Whatever happens, opposing fans are having a field day with the developments and rumors. St. Cloud State has frequently been the butt of jokes and it appears that Huskies fans exuberance and pre-planning will not help in this regard. Fans from Colorado Springs to Houghton, MI are laughing hysterically at the giddiness emanating from St. Cloud. "Seriously? Seriously? All this exsitemint over the beleaf that they'll actualy win won game? Its pathetic." said Eric B, "Call me when you win one, much less SEVEN championships."

Whatever the results at the end of the season, one thing is for sure, St. Cloud fans have something to look forward to.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The GGACPDS

HI EVERYBODY!!! BILLY MAYS HERE! Direct from Heaven!!! Does your hockey coach frequently get confused or momentarily loose his sense of direction during games? Did it start with him standing on the boards? Did you try correcting this problem by presenting your coach with a compass? Did this only produce looks of befuddlement upon his face? Were you a bit concerned but also certain this was all there was to it? But it wasn't all, was it? He's progressively been getting worse, hasn't he? He's now walking on the ice, isn't he? You have looked high and low for a solution to this problem but to no avail. Am I right? Well then have you come to the right place! This has been a constant worry of hockey fans in the Colorado area since 1994 and finally after 16 years of research and hard work, we have found the solution!

Introducing the George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System or GGACPDS!! Yes, we are working on the acronym.

With this system not only will your hockey coach remain perfectly aware of his surroundings and remain on the bench with his players but he will also refrain from complaining to the officials for the entire sixty minutes of a hockey game! But don't take our word for it, let's hear from the system's namesake, Dancin' George Gwozdecky!

Thanks Billy! Hi, I'm Dancin' George Gwozdecky and for years I have suffered from momentary lack of reason while coaching the University of Denver. I frequently lose my sense of direction and wander about. It is much like sleep walking as I don't even recall doing it when I am shown the video. I finally decided enough was enough when on January 24, 2009 I jumped on the ice and wandered around in a game against the University of North Dakota. After watching this video and seeing the excuses the University of Denver announcers had to make up for my actions, I knew I needed help. I turned to Billy and he found my Godsend.


Just look at those Before and After pictures of Coach Gwozdecky! He goes from roaming all around the ice to calmly staying on the bench! All because of the GGACPDS. Now you may be asking yourself, But how does it work, Billy? Will it hurt our coach, Billy? How much does it cost, Billy? Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks. One question at a time!

How does it work?
It's as simple as can be folks! You just put the "Behavior Correctional Device" around your hockey coaches neck and define your boundaries (i.e. where you are going to allow your coach to roam). Most coaches are held within the boundaries of the player bench, but it's really up to you. That's the beauty of this system! It's CUSTOMIZABLE to your situation!

Will it hurt our coach?
The correction from the device may be uncomfortable and startling to your coach, but it will not hurt him. Many coaches only feel the correction once or twice and don't challenge the system afterwards.

But our coach has to leave the bench at intermissions, Billy. How will your system handle this?
The GGACPDS is just as easy to remove as it is to put on. Just have a trusted assistant coach or athletic trainer use the finger print scanner located on the GGACPDS to remove it from the coaches neck

Since you can't see the GGACPDS, could people become frightened when they see a "loose" coach?
No, not at at all. Your GGACPDS professional will provide you with bench signs to inform fans that your coach is safely contained by the GGACPDS.

Can the GGACPDS be used with a pregnant coach?
We have found no evidence that the system has any detrimental effects on pregnant coaches. If you however have concerns about putting the GGACPDS on a pregnant coach we recommend you consult with your team doctor.

Are there any types of coaches who can not be trained?
While we believe that any coach should be able to be trained, we've found coaches at Ivy League schools to be pompous pricks who often refuse to be trained. It is really up to the individual coach and whether he wants to be trained.

Can the GGACPDS be used on my basketball coach?
We have no idea. Who cares about basketball?

How much does it cost?
How much would you expect a system like this to cost? Similar systems sell for upwards of $259.

The GGACPDS will not cost you that much. We are happy to bring to you the introductory price of three easy payments of $49.95. That's right for less than $150 you too will be able to keep your hockey coach from ever being confused or lost again while a game is being played. Is this a great deal or what?

BUT WAIT!!! That's not all!! If you call right now with a credit card you'll get a second GGACPDS for only the cost of shipping and handling! But that's still not all!!! For those extra special coaches who after getting lost on the ice "forget" rules and "accidentally" use headsets comes the Headshocker!! It works just like the GGACPDS but comes in the convenient form of a headset!

If you insist on paying by check or money order, you will not receive the second GGACPDS but will still have the option of receiving the Headshocker!! for less than $150. Just send your check or money order to:
George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System
1602 Brent Sucks Drive
Plymouth, MN 55441

So call now and get your GGACPDS along with a second GGACPDS and the Headshocker!! All for only three easy payments of $49.95 plus shipping and handling!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Battle of the Big Reds

What is the greatest Big Red to rule them all? Have you not often wondered this? Exactly! So why has this question never been posed? Political Pressure? Laziness? Fear of the Mob? Well I am not scared and I will investigate the answer for this question.

But is not Big Red the greatest British gum since [Ummm???]? Can we not vote on this?!

Well said, Will Ferrell. This is obviously a rhetorical question though as there is no doubt that it is. Other than the fact that it isn't British. But that isn't the point. The point is that Big Red is an awesome gum. I absolutely love cinnamon gum. It is the best flavor of gum and Big Red is the best cinnamon gum. This makes it the undisputed king of gum. So it's the Budweiser of gum. Except it doesn't suck.

If there is one negative about Big Red it is that it's is one of the official gums of the NBA. That is a major negative, but I believe Big Red overcomes this with it's awesomeness.

Still I think Big Red Gum is pretty tough to beat. It's an early favorite.

Big Red Pop. And yes it is pop. If you argue with me, you are just plain wrong and you deserve to be beaten with a shovel. I hate you. Big Red was invented by a guy named Grover. That is a major plus as Grover is just a sweet name. Any time you use a name from Sesame Street, you're alright in my book. A+.

Big Red has some negatives though. One of which is that I've never had it and don't really want to have it. Another is that it has become cocky and started making all these other flavors too. Way too show-offy if you ask me. And also not original naming. Thumbs down. It also proclaims itself as America's #1 Red Soda since 1937. There are two problems with this.
  1. Way too cocky. #1 Red Soda since 1937? Really. Prove it.
  2. IT'S POP.
Big Red Soda is not endearing itself to me. All talk and no substance. No thank you. An embarrassment to the Big Red name. Shame on you.

Western Kentucky's Big Red. What is it? Where is it? How is it? This guy girl thing whatever is beyond description, so let's just cut right to the chase.

Positives
  • Eyebrows can be used to great comedic effect
  • Can fit an entire Subway Party Sandwich in mouth
  • When gets drunk at party, has easily identifiable WKU marking on stomach
  • Scares old people

Negatives

  • Eats children
  • Can not procreate
  • Due to being constantly sunburned, will learn of melanoma at next doctor's visit.
  • Head confused for giant gumdrop
  • Frequently racially profiled when driving to work
Big Red is obviously much better than the pop, but doesn't quite measure up to the gum. That is nothing to be ashamed of though. Big Red Gum is just that awesome.

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

End of competition. It is all over. Can you honestly think of a more awesome dog than Clifford? NO, YOU CAN NOT.* Clifford rules. I think I read like one of his books ever, but I still recognize his awesomeness. Clifford is the Johnny Cash of children's books dog. There is nothing Clifford can not do. If Clifford came along 350 years earlier, he would have invented calculus. Clifford would bring about World Peace if he was just asked. There are no negatives to Clifford.

Final Rankings
  1. Brad Malone
  2. Clifford the Big Red Dog
  3. Big Red Gum
  4. WKU Big Red
  5. Cornell Spirit Football
  6. Red Foreman
  7. Anything Big Red
  8. Anything Red
  9. Anything Big
  10. Big Red Pop

*Snoopy does not count. Snoopy goes beyond the dog genre. Snoopy can not be contained into one single genre because Snoopy is Snoopy.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gopher Crackheads

What a surprise. Everyone's favorite Minnesota Gopher Crackhead, Nate Hagemo Tyler Hirsch Jeff Dubay Dr. Rockzo no wait yes Jeff Dubay, is back in the slammer. Puffy has once again failed a court ordered drug test. How many tests did he fail? One! Two! Three failed drug tests! AH AH AH! What is wrong with this putz? I mean seriously, is it really that tough? It really must be for the average Gopher player/fan/rube as there sure are a crap load of them running around. Why I bet in two years or less the Gophers will have enough crackhead convicts to form a line, pun intended.

This might be a good idea the more I think about it actually. Look at the current Gopher team, they absolutely suck and are seen as bunch of underachieving unmotivated losers by their fans. Is that not exactly how you'd describe a crackhead? I thought so. This means Gopher players are already halfway to being crackheads and all they need to do is take that final step. I say Minnesota players look to their Superfan for guidance on this last step and try some illicit drugs. Smoke some crack, huff some paint, pop some pills, eat some meth, inject some heroin. If they need one final push, why not go to Winter Park and get tips on how to become an Oxycontin addict from Grandpa Greaybeard? It's not like they could be any more of a disappointment.