Saturday, January 23, 2010

The GGACPDS

HI EVERYBODY!!! BILLY MAYS HERE! Direct from Heaven!!! Does your hockey coach frequently get confused or momentarily loose his sense of direction during games? Did it start with him standing on the boards? Did you try correcting this problem by presenting your coach with a compass? Did this only produce looks of befuddlement upon his face? Were you a bit concerned but also certain this was all there was to it? But it wasn't all, was it? He's progressively been getting worse, hasn't he? He's now walking on the ice, isn't he? You have looked high and low for a solution to this problem but to no avail. Am I right? Well then have you come to the right place! This has been a constant worry of hockey fans in the Colorado area since 1994 and finally after 16 years of research and hard work, we have found the solution!

Introducing the George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System or GGACPDS!! Yes, we are working on the acronym.

With this system not only will your hockey coach remain perfectly aware of his surroundings and remain on the bench with his players but he will also refrain from complaining to the officials for the entire sixty minutes of a hockey game! But don't take our word for it, let's hear from the system's namesake, Dancin' George Gwozdecky!

Thanks Billy! Hi, I'm Dancin' George Gwozdecky and for years I have suffered from momentary lack of reason while coaching the University of Denver. I frequently lose my sense of direction and wander about. It is much like sleep walking as I don't even recall doing it when I am shown the video. I finally decided enough was enough when on January 24, 2009 I jumped on the ice and wandered around in a game against the University of North Dakota. After watching this video and seeing the excuses the University of Denver announcers had to make up for my actions, I knew I needed help. I turned to Billy and he found my Godsend.


Just look at those Before and After pictures of Coach Gwozdecky! He goes from roaming all around the ice to calmly staying on the bench! All because of the GGACPDS. Now you may be asking yourself, But how does it work, Billy? Will it hurt our coach, Billy? How much does it cost, Billy? Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks. One question at a time!

How does it work?
It's as simple as can be folks! You just put the "Behavior Correctional Device" around your hockey coaches neck and define your boundaries (i.e. where you are going to allow your coach to roam). Most coaches are held within the boundaries of the player bench, but it's really up to you. That's the beauty of this system! It's CUSTOMIZABLE to your situation!

Will it hurt our coach?
The correction from the device may be uncomfortable and startling to your coach, but it will not hurt him. Many coaches only feel the correction once or twice and don't challenge the system afterwards.

But our coach has to leave the bench at intermissions, Billy. How will your system handle this?
The GGACPDS is just as easy to remove as it is to put on. Just have a trusted assistant coach or athletic trainer use the finger print scanner located on the GGACPDS to remove it from the coaches neck

Since you can't see the GGACPDS, could people become frightened when they see a "loose" coach?
No, not at at all. Your GGACPDS professional will provide you with bench signs to inform fans that your coach is safely contained by the GGACPDS.

Can the GGACPDS be used with a pregnant coach?
We have found no evidence that the system has any detrimental effects on pregnant coaches. If you however have concerns about putting the GGACPDS on a pregnant coach we recommend you consult with your team doctor.

Are there any types of coaches who can not be trained?
While we believe that any coach should be able to be trained, we've found coaches at Ivy League schools to be pompous pricks who often refuse to be trained. It is really up to the individual coach and whether he wants to be trained.

Can the GGACPDS be used on my basketball coach?
We have no idea. Who cares about basketball?

How much does it cost?
How much would you expect a system like this to cost? Similar systems sell for upwards of $259.

The GGACPDS will not cost you that much. We are happy to bring to you the introductory price of three easy payments of $49.95. That's right for less than $150 you too will be able to keep your hockey coach from ever being confused or lost again while a game is being played. Is this a great deal or what?

BUT WAIT!!! That's not all!! If you call right now with a credit card you'll get a second GGACPDS for only the cost of shipping and handling! But that's still not all!!! For those extra special coaches who after getting lost on the ice "forget" rules and "accidentally" use headsets comes the Headshocker!! It works just like the GGACPDS but comes in the convenient form of a headset!

If you insist on paying by check or money order, you will not receive the second GGACPDS but will still have the option of receiving the Headshocker!! for less than $150. Just send your check or money order to:
George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System
1602 Brent Sucks Drive
Plymouth, MN 55441

So call now and get your GGACPDS along with a second GGACPDS and the Headshocker!! All for only three easy payments of $49.95 plus shipping and handling!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Battle of the Big Reds

What is the greatest Big Red to rule them all? Have you not often wondered this? Exactly! So why has this question never been posed? Political Pressure? Laziness? Fear of the Mob? Well I am not scared and I will investigate the answer for this question.

But is not Big Red the greatest British gum since [Ummm???]? Can we not vote on this?!

Well said, Will Ferrell. This is obviously a rhetorical question though as there is no doubt that it is. Other than the fact that it isn't British. But that isn't the point. The point is that Big Red is an awesome gum. I absolutely love cinnamon gum. It is the best flavor of gum and Big Red is the best cinnamon gum. This makes it the undisputed king of gum. So it's the Budweiser of gum. Except it doesn't suck.

If there is one negative about Big Red it is that it's is one of the official gums of the NBA. That is a major negative, but I believe Big Red overcomes this with it's awesomeness.

Still I think Big Red Gum is pretty tough to beat. It's an early favorite.

Big Red Pop. And yes it is pop. If you argue with me, you are just plain wrong and you deserve to be beaten with a shovel. I hate you. Big Red was invented by a guy named Grover. That is a major plus as Grover is just a sweet name. Any time you use a name from Sesame Street, you're alright in my book. A+.

Big Red has some negatives though. One of which is that I've never had it and don't really want to have it. Another is that it has become cocky and started making all these other flavors too. Way too show-offy if you ask me. And also not original naming. Thumbs down. It also proclaims itself as America's #1 Red Soda since 1937. There are two problems with this.
  1. Way too cocky. #1 Red Soda since 1937? Really. Prove it.
  2. IT'S POP.
Big Red Soda is not endearing itself to me. All talk and no substance. No thank you. An embarrassment to the Big Red name. Shame on you.

Western Kentucky's Big Red. What is it? Where is it? How is it? This guy girl thing whatever is beyond description, so let's just cut right to the chase.

Positives
  • Eyebrows can be used to great comedic effect
  • Can fit an entire Subway Party Sandwich in mouth
  • When gets drunk at party, has easily identifiable WKU marking on stomach
  • Scares old people

Negatives

  • Eats children
  • Can not procreate
  • Due to being constantly sunburned, will learn of melanoma at next doctor's visit.
  • Head confused for giant gumdrop
  • Frequently racially profiled when driving to work
Big Red is obviously much better than the pop, but doesn't quite measure up to the gum. That is nothing to be ashamed of though. Big Red Gum is just that awesome.

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

End of competition. It is all over. Can you honestly think of a more awesome dog than Clifford? NO, YOU CAN NOT.* Clifford rules. I think I read like one of his books ever, but I still recognize his awesomeness. Clifford is the Johnny Cash of children's books dog. There is nothing Clifford can not do. If Clifford came along 350 years earlier, he would have invented calculus. Clifford would bring about World Peace if he was just asked. There are no negatives to Clifford.

Final Rankings
  1. Brad Malone
  2. Clifford the Big Red Dog
  3. Big Red Gum
  4. WKU Big Red
  5. Cornell Spirit Football
  6. Red Foreman
  7. Anything Big Red
  8. Anything Red
  9. Anything Big
  10. Big Red Pop

*Snoopy does not count. Snoopy goes beyond the dog genre. Snoopy can not be contained into one single genre because Snoopy is Snoopy.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gopher Crackheads

What a surprise. Everyone's favorite Minnesota Gopher Crackhead, Nate Hagemo Tyler Hirsch Jeff Dubay Dr. Rockzo no wait yes Jeff Dubay, is back in the slammer. Puffy has once again failed a court ordered drug test. How many tests did he fail? One! Two! Three failed drug tests! AH AH AH! What is wrong with this putz? I mean seriously, is it really that tough? It really must be for the average Gopher player/fan/rube as there sure are a crap load of them running around. Why I bet in two years or less the Gophers will have enough crackhead convicts to form a line, pun intended.

This might be a good idea the more I think about it actually. Look at the current Gopher team, they absolutely suck and are seen as bunch of underachieving unmotivated losers by their fans. Is that not exactly how you'd describe a crackhead? I thought so. This means Gopher players are already halfway to being crackheads and all they need to do is take that final step. I say Minnesota players look to their Superfan for guidance on this last step and try some illicit drugs. Smoke some crack, huff some paint, pop some pills, eat some meth, inject some heroin. If they need one final push, why not go to Winter Park and get tips on how to become an Oxycontin addict from Grandpa Greaybeard? It's not like they could be any more of a disappointment.