Saturday, September 25, 2010

Baldy Goes Inside the Manitoba Bisons

I really had no idea what I would do this year for the Manitoba games. UND plays them every year and there is never any info on them. I have to make crap up usually and that is just something that I don't like to do. I pride myself on my honesty and integrity. So much so that I am considering applying for a press pass. I think I deserve it and I'm sure you all agree. Given all of this, really what is the point of saying anything about Manitoba? I don't have any new information on the team or anything interesting to say about them. Or so I thought. Fortunately I found a video on YouTube that is pure gold. Hopefully it will do most of the work for me.

Let's start off with pointing out the obvious. No wonder tickets are so cheap, no one goes to the games. Despite half the team being from Winnipeg, where U of Manitoba is located, not even the players families appear to go to the games. I count approximately 30 people in the stands behind Baldy. If you project that out to the entire arena, I'd guess there are around 110 people at this game. That's less than American International. Pathetic.

Baldy saying Iowa St. looks like a AAA team is quite the ironic statement. Let's take a look at Manitoba's track record against NCAA teams.
2009: 0-1. Lost 7-1 to UND.
2008: 0-2. Lost 6-2 to UND. Lost 5-0 to UNO.
2007: 0-3. Lost 9-3 to UND (This is the game where JPL faced two shots in the first period and save neither). Lost 8-1 to UNO. Lost 3-2 to Canisius.
2006: 0-2. Lost 5-2 to UND. Lost 8-0 to UNO.
2005: 1-2. Beat Bemidji St. 5-3. Lost to UND 6-1. Lost 7-0 to UNO.
2004: 1-2. Lost 8-3 to UND. Lost 7-0 to UNO. Beat Bemijdi St. 5-3.
2003: 1-0. Beat UNO 5-2.
2002: 0-2. Lost 6-1 to UND. Lost 6-0 to UNO
2001: 0-2. Lost 4-1 to UND. Lost 6-1 to UNO.
2000: 0-1. Lost 5-4 to UND. Lost 6-1 to UNO.
1999: 0-1. Lost 6-4 to UND. Lost 5-3 to UNO.
1998: 0-1. Lost 7-3 to UND.
So in the last twelve years Manitoba is 3-19 being outscored 146-44. Not too impressive. On top of this, at least Iowa State's nickname is grammatically correct. Baldy should probably just keep his mouth shut. I think I see hair falling out of his head every time he says something.

Showing Baldy in the crowd was great. He seemed to be the only one watching the game and was yelling an awful lot. Though he did seem to be just yelling random words. Hit 'em! Slash 'em! GET BACK!!!!!!

Does Rick Wood have to go potty? Why is insisting on running in place? Wait a minute, is Baldy his brother? Or are they married and Baldy changed his name? Man, this gets sadder all the time.

Ricky has some interesting things to say about Mike Hellyer. The important thing about this is that Hellyer is the only player featured in this video who is still on the team. Therefore he needs to be taunted. Like why isn't he as good with the Beer Bong as Captain Cal (Calin Wild)?

Judging from the highlights of the game, I was wrong on the crowd size. There appears to only be seats on three sides of the arena and much like games at Sullivan Arena, no one is sitting in any of them. So my revised attendance guesstimate is 12.

Last but not least, Brad Eidsness' twin apparently plays for the Bisons.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Freshman: The Computer Repair Edition

It's really about time UND updated the roster pictures. I was expecting to be able to do this a few weeks ago but evidently the UND athletic department was too busy changing their nickname and showing no balls to update the pictures. Unfortunate. This year's freshman are rather boring and judging by their apparel, without money to purchase quality clothing. Combined they look to have the personality of a thumb tack. Also unfortunate. What happened to having players with personalities like Hexy and Ben Blood? Instead the team is going in the opposite direction and are taking after their coach. This makes me sad and does not bode well for Brad Miller Time. After Hexy and Mario are gone, who will host? Ryan Hill and Tate Maris? Well, it would give them something to do.

Derek Forbort - Appears he beat up a Geek Squad employee and stole his uniform. While he does have quality Joe Mauer-esque sideburns, he should demand the UND web monkeys spell check his bio.
Is it really that difficult to spell things properly? The answer is yes. Because the UND web monkeys are the same gomers who have been selling a picture of "The Barn" for two years. The only problem with this is that the link to purchase it does not work. It's been like this for two years. Just fix it already.

Derek Rodwell - Eyebrows are flatter than Grand Forks. If only he had a Jordan Foote unibrow, he could be Bert from Sesame Street. Also beat up Geek Squad employee. If hockey career fizzles out, could be stunt double for Ryan Reynolds.

Dillon Simpson - Puts more time into styling and highlighting his hair than his mother. Geek Squad beater upper #3. The greatest defenseman since Bobby Orr. Why are his dad's Stanley Cups listed backwards? UND web monkeys screwing up once again. What a surprise. I'm sure they won't fix this either. Freaking worthless twits.

Brock Nelson - The next Bernie Madoff given his major. Greases down his hair like my cousin, Wayne. Even has the same goofy looking hairstyle. Geek Squad #4.

Apparently everyone on this team beats up Geek Squad employees and steals their $3 ties. Maybe it's part of freshman initiation or something? I'm not sure. I suppose it's better than stealing stop signs though.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bitterness Thy Name is Dirty

So I did this stupid WCHA draft again this year. Luckily I weaseled RWD into hooking me up with all the work she did and thus my team won't suck as much this year. Unluckily, I got fucked in the last round. Greased up and fucked right up the poop shoot. Some retard who doesn't even understand hockey but joined this league anyways had someone else draft for him. This someone else picks Dillon Simpson the pick right before me. I was pissed. I am pissed. I will remain pissed. Fuck this game. I don't even know if I'll do anything this year. This is fucking bullshit.

On to my picks, of which I do not even care about any more. Fuck this. And fuck you. And you. And you. Fuck everyone.

Round 1: Kenny Reiter - UMD - G: There are only three decent goalies in the WCHA. Reiter is one of them. Since my team sucked last year I got the #3 pick, so I was able to take him. He'll probably suck now. Go me.

Round 2: Anthony Maiani - DU - F: The second year in a row I've taken Maiani in the second round. I immediately regretted this pick and still think I should've taken Jason Gregoire. He'll probably suck now. Go me.

Round 3: Matt Read - BSU - F: The best player for Bemidji State. Hopefully he won't totally suck now that he has to play good teams every weekend instead of twits from Bob Morris and Alabama. But he probably will. Go me.

Round 4: Ben Youds - MSUM - D: Yeah, whatever. He was pretty good on the PP last year, so I took him. Who cares? He will probably suck now. Go me.

I was pretty happy with my team right now. It was going pretty well and I didn't have to rely on all UND players since I didn't have any clue on what the hell to do.

Round 5: Ryan Lowery - CC - D: I don't know who this guy is. I really don't pay much attention to many players it seems. He appears good, but I have no idea. He will probably suck this year. Go me.

Round 6: Jacob Cepis - UM - F: Cepis an annoying little dick who can score points. He was pretty good once he was eligible to play. He'll probably be weighed down by the UofM crappiness that ruins all Gopher players though this year. I'm sure he will suck this year. Go me.

Round 7: Beau Bennett - DU - F: A supposedly awesome freshman. We'll see. I probably jinxed him and his kneecap will explode or something in November. Blah.

Round 8: Eric Olimb - UNO - D: Some Maverick guy who scored some points in the Cupcake Conference. Much like Read, he'll probably suck now that he has to play real teams.

Round 9: Stephen Schultz - CC - F: Another CC player who I have no idea about. Truthfully I don't even remember if he was my seventh pick. I don't remember any of my picks now. They all glob together like if you mixed several colors of PlayDoh. So maybe he wasn't my seventh pick. Whatever. He'll probably suck this year. Go me.

Round 10: John Faulkner - UNO - G: I needed a second goalie and this guy is UNO's starting goalie. This was a steal.

Round 11: Sam Zabkowicz - SCSU - D: I pretty much drafted all defensemen I know nothing about. So again, whatever.

Round 12: Drew Shore - DU - F
: A steal or something for this round. Kinda like Dillon Simpson would've been if I wasn't fucked out of him. Screw you all.

Round 13: Brock Nelson - UND - F: I needed a UND player and Nelson is going to be a stud. If I didn't jinx him. I hope I jinx Bennett and not Nelson because DU sucks.

Round 14: Luka Vidmar - UAA - D: If I know nothing about defensemen from real schools, I won't have a clue about a guy like this.

Round 15: Matt Ambroz - UNO - F: No idea again. I'm just making random picks now.

Round 16: Taylor Dickin - UND - F: This guy isn't coming until after Christmas and even then he probably won't even play. But who cares? I wanted Dillon Simpson. I am fucking pissed off. I should have gotten him. This fucking sucks. Fuck everyone.

I was very happy with this team until the last pick. It absolutely ruined the entire draft for me. I seriously do not care anymore now. I'll finish last and I don't care. I don't even want to do this anymore. So if someone else wants to take over this team, go for it.