Dirty's Diatribe

What do you think of people who use other's names?

2011-01-30T16:45:00.007-06:00

Dave Ramsey was making $250,000 and had a net worth of over $500,000. He ended up losing everything though and had to start over. When this happened he educated himself on money and how to get out and stay out of debt. Since then he has become a respected author who has counseled literally millions on how to do the same.

On Sunday morning, a Colorado Springs Gazette blogger wrote an entry. This blogger makes more noise than your typical blogger, which makes since. He needs to speak loudly in order for people to pay attention to him.

He has his fun, saying all sorts of nonsensical things. And that's all fine.

But this blogger uses the name of "Dave Ramsey" instead of what his real name is. Guess his own name isn't quite good enough for this guy. And, I guess, in the land of free Colorado Springs, Gazette bloggers can say anything they want, even if this offends and saddens those who care about our great country and its great blogosphere.

Glad the real Dave Ramsey is not confused with and therefore his name is not polluted by whoever this Fake Dave Ramsey guy is. Guess Fake Dave Ramsey columns are just another one of those traditions the dying medium of newspaper clings to so fiercely.

What do you think of bloggers using the names of trusted and respected people?

Let me know.

Goodbye Self Respect

2011-01-09T11:49:00.003-06:00

So no bullcrap or introduction or anything, let's just jump right to it.

Remember when Gopher hockey players had self respect? They are obviously not dealing with failure very well. This video is just downright pathetic. Oh and the music sucks. What the hell is that? Just terrible. So let us break this steaming piece of rodent feces down. Actually before we do that, what game was this video done at? Or was it done at a game? You can't really tell by the number of fans in the stands. Anyone know the answer? Hmmm, anyways now let us break this steaming piece of rodent feces down.

First Segment: First of all I've never heard of three of these guys and the forth guy is taking over the Tony Lucia Scholarship where he's just on the team because his dad is a coach. So these guys score a goal, they pull the stationary Tiger Williams? Hmmm, that's pretty pathetic. They do throw in their own little touches though I guess. Nate Condon decides to rope a cow or something and looks like a genuine moron. But at least he's not Jared Larson who thinks he's driving a lowrider.

Second Segment: That's your celebration Mike Hoeffel? At least I've heard of you. That's the best thing I can say about your "celebration". What is it even? It's like he's trying to do the stationary one-armed Walk Like an Egyptian. Hey Mike, The Bangles say you suck. I agree. You should be stripped of your Assistant Captaincy for this.

Third Segment: This isn't Guitar Hero, boys. Also you are doing your windmills backwards, morons. Or you aren't, but that doesn't matter. You're not Pete Townshend, stop it. You are a terrible dancer Joe Miller. You have puffy strange hair Jacob Cepis. Jake Hansen, I don't care about you.

If you are the Minnesota Spirit Initiative, it is no wonder the school and it's students have none. What a pathetic display. It makes me sad.

Last but not least:

To taunt Super Gopher Loser go here.

DJ Jazzy Josh

2010-10-24T18:37:00.013-05:00

I don't typically delve into the realm of the Eletro music scene, but sometimes you just have to make an exception for those exceptional cases. The masked fellow you see in the photo is Jashko (Yash-ko). At least I think it's Jashko, I'm not totally sure. He may actually be a Mexican wrestler. Either way Jashko's real name is Josh Rosenholtz and he is Denver's third string goalie.

As far as I can figure, Rosie learned that he was not a very good goalie when he came to college. Due to this, he decided he needed to find other ways to fill his spare time. After stamp collecting and ship-in-a-bottle building failed, he discovered is that he could steal other people's music and screw it up. This is called plagiarism in literature, but evidently it's called Electro in music. Soon after he began plagiarizing, Jashko discovered he had a talent for stealing other people's work and started opening for other bands/acts. According to this nice article he was "sometimes playing in front of crowds as large as several thousand". In other words crowds larger than those that come to Magness Arena.

This summer Jashko was asked to join the Pioneers as shooting target. With this he can no longer focus on his soon to be fledgling music career and is instead having to focus more on trying to match his coach's dapper style while sitting in the press box or recently develop a technique to pull splinters out of his butt. Hopefully when MMFF gets two hat tricks this weekend, Jashko will make his way into the game and we can learn more about his awesome stylings.

Baldy Goes Inside the Manitoba Bisons

2010-09-25T13:30:00.000-05:00

I really had no idea what I would do this year for the Manitoba games. UND plays them every year and there is never any info on them. I have to make crap up usually and that is just something that I don't like to do. I pride myself on my honesty and integrity. So much so that I am considering applying for a press pass. I think I deserve it and I'm sure you all agree. Given all of this, really what is the point of saying anything about Manitoba? I don't have any new information on the team or anything interesting to say about them. Or so I thought. Fortunately I found a video on YouTube that is pure gold. Hopefully it will do most of the work for me.

Let's start off with pointing out the obvious. No wonder tickets are so cheap, no one goes to the games. Despite half the team being from Winnipeg, where U of Manitoba is located, not even the players families appear to go to the games. I count approximately 30 people in the stands behind Baldy. If you project that out to the entire arena, I'd guess there are around 110 people at this game. That's less than American International. Pathetic.

Baldy saying Iowa St. looks like a AAA team is quite the ironic statement. Let's take a look at Manitoba's track record against NCAA teams.

2009: 0-1. Lost 7-1 to UND.
2008: 0-2. Lost 6-2 to UND. Lost 5-0 to UNO.
2007: 0-3. Lost 9-3 to UND (This is the game where JPL faced two shots in the first period and save neither). Lost 8-1 to UNO. Lost 3-2 to Canisius.
2006: 0-2. Lost 5-2 to UND. Lost 8-0 to UNO.
2005: 1-2. Beat Bemidji St. 5-3. Lost to UND 6-1. Lost 7-0 to UNO.
2004: 1-2. Lost 8-3 to UND. Lost 7-0 to UNO. Beat Bemijdi St. 5-3.
2003: 1-0. Beat UNO 5-2.
2002: 0-2. Lost 6-1 to UND. Lost 6-0 to UNO
2001: 0-2. Lost 4-1 to UND. Lost 6-1 to UNO.
2000: 0-1. Lost 5-4 to UND. Lost 6-1 to UNO.
1999: 0-1. Lost 6-4 to UND. Lost 5-3 to UNO.
1998: 0-1. Lost 7-3 to UND.

So in the last twelve years Manitoba is 3-19 being outscored 146-44. Not too impressive. On top of this, at least Iowa State's nickname is grammatically correct. Baldy should probably just keep his mouth shut. I think I see hair falling out of his head every time he says something.

Showing Baldy in the crowd was great. He seemed to be the only one watching the game and was yelling an awful lot. Though he did seem to be just yelling random words. Hit 'em! Slash 'em! GET BACK!!!!!!

Does Rick Wood have to go potty? Why is insisting on running in place? Wait a minute, is Baldy his brother? Or are they married and Baldy changed his name? Man, this gets sadder all the time.

Ricky has some interesting things to say about Mike Hellyer. The important thing about this is that Hellyer is the only player featured in this video who is still on the team. Therefore he needs to be taunted. Like why isn't he as good with the Beer Bong as Captain Cal (Calin Wild)?

Judging from the highlights of the game, I was wrong on the crowd size. There appears to only be seats on three sides of the arena and much like games at Sullivan Arena, no one is sitting in any of them. So my revised attendance guesstimate is 12.

Last but not least, Brad Eidsness' twin apparently plays for the Bisons.

Freshman: The Computer Repair Edition

2010-09-22T08:43:00.011-05:00

It's really about time UND updated the roster pictures. I was expecting to be able to do this a few weeks ago but evidently the UND athletic department was too busy changing their nickname and showing no balls to update the pictures. Unfortunate. This year's freshman are rather boring and judging by their apparel, without money to purchase quality clothing. Combined they look to have the personality of a thumb tack. Also unfortunate. What happened to having players with personalities like Hexy and Ben Blood? Instead the team is going in the opposite direction and are taking after their coach. This makes me sad and does not bode well for Brad Miller Time. After Hexy and Mario are gone, who will host? Ryan Hill and Tate Maris? Well, it would give them something to do.

Derek Forbort - Appears he beat up a Geek Squad employee and stole his uniform. While he does have quality Joe Mauer-esque sideburns, he should demand the UND web monkeys spell check his bio.
Is it really that difficult to spell things properly? The answer is yes. Because the UND web monkeys are the same gomers who have been selling a picture of "The Barn" for two years. The only problem with this is that the link to purchase it does not work. It's been like this for two years. Just fix it already.

Derek Rodwell - Eyebrows are flatter than Grand Forks. If only he had a Jordan Foote unibrow, he could be Bert from Sesame Street. Also beat up Geek Squad employee. If hockey career fizzles out, could be stunt double for Ryan Reynolds.

Dillon Simpson - Puts more time into styling and highlighting his hair than his mother. Geek Squad beater upper #3. The greatest defenseman since Bobby Orr. Why are his dad's Stanley Cups listed backwards? UND web monkeys screwing up once again. What a surprise. I'm sure they won't fix this either. Freaking worthless twits.

Brock Nelson - The next Bernie Madoff given his major. Greases down his hair like my cousin, Wayne. Even has the same goofy looking hairstyle. Geek Squad #4.

Apparently everyone on this team beats up Geek Squad employees and steals their $3 ties. Maybe it's part of freshman initiation or something? I'm not sure. I suppose it's better than stealing stop signs though.

Bitterness Thy Name is Dirty

2010-09-05T22:44:00.004-05:00

So I did this stupid WCHA draft again this year. Luckily I weaseled RWD into hooking me up with all the work she did and thus my team won't suck as much this year. Unluckily, I got fucked in the last round. Greased up and fucked right up the poop shoot. Some retard who doesn't even understand hockey but joined this league anyways had someone else draft for him. This someone else picks Dillon Simpson the pick right before me. I was pissed. I am pissed. I will remain pissed. Fuck this game. I don't even know if I'll do anything this year. This is fucking bullshit.

On to my picks, of which I do not even care about any more. Fuck this. And fuck you. And you. And you. Fuck everyone.

Round 1: Kenny Reiter - UMD - G: There are only three decent goalies in the WCHA. Reiter is one of them. Since my team sucked last year I got the #3 pick, so I was able to take him. He'll probably suck now. Go me.

Round 2: Anthony Maiani - DU - F: The second year in a row I've taken Maiani in the second round. I immediately regretted this pick and still think I should've taken Jason Gregoire. He'll probably suck now. Go me.

Round 3: Matt Read - BSU - F: The best player for Bemidji State. Hopefully he won't totally suck now that he has to play good teams every weekend instead of twits from Bob Morris and Alabama. But he probably will. Go me.

Round 4: Ben Youds - MSUM - D: Yeah, whatever. He was pretty good on the PP last year, so I took him. Who cares? He will probably suck now. Go me.

I was pretty happy with my team right now. It was going pretty well and I didn't have to rely on all UND players since I didn't have any clue on what the hell to do.

Round 5: Ryan Lowery - CC - D: I don't know who this guy is. I really don't pay much attention to many players it seems. He appears good, but I have no idea. He will probably suck this year. Go me.

Round 6: Jacob Cepis - UM - F: Cepis an annoying little dick who can score points. He was pretty good once he was eligible to play. He'll probably be weighed down by the UofM crappiness that ruins all Gopher players though this year. I'm sure he will suck this year. Go me.

Round 7: Beau Bennett - DU - F: A supposedly awesome freshman. We'll see. I probably jinxed him and his kneecap will explode or something in November. Blah.

Round 8: Eric Olimb - UNO - D: Some Maverick guy who scored some points in the Cupcake Conference. Much like Read, he'll probably suck now that he has to play real teams.

Round 9: Stephen Schultz - CC - F: Another CC player who I have no idea about. Truthfully I don't even remember if he was my seventh pick. I don't remember any of my picks now. They all glob together like if you mixed several colors of PlayDoh. So maybe he wasn't my seventh pick. Whatever. He'll probably suck this year. Go me.

Round 10: John Faulkner - UNO - G: I needed a second goalie and this guy is UNO's starting goalie. This was a steal.

Round 11: Sam Zabkowicz - SCSU - D: I pretty much drafted all defensemen I know nothing about. So again, whatever.

Round 12: Drew Shore - DU - F: A steal or something for this round. Kinda like Dillon Simpson would've been if I wasn't fucked out of him. Screw you all.

Round 13: Brock Nelson - UND - F: I needed a UND player and Nelson is going to be a stud. If I didn't jinx him. I hope I jinx Bennett and not Nelson because DU sucks.

Round 14: Luka Vidmar - UAA - D: If I know nothing about defensemen from real schools, I won't have a clue about a guy like this.

Round 15: Matt Ambroz - UNO - F: No idea again. I'm just making random picks now.

Round 16: Taylor Dickin - UND - F: This guy isn't coming until after Christmas and even then he probably won't even play. But who cares? I wanted Dillon Simpson. I am fucking pissed off. I should have gotten him. This fucking sucks. Fuck everyone.

I was very happy with this team until the last pick. It absolutely ruined the entire draft for me. I seriously do not care anymore now. I'll finish last and I don't care. I don't even want to do this anymore. So if someone else wants to take over this team, go for it.

Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since......

2010-03-14T23:51:00.005-05:00

last year

The Official Final Five Band

2010-03-07T18:17:00.010-06:00

The WCHA, concerned that Aaron Marvin may elbow a piccolo player in the head, has decided not to bring the Michigan Tech Band to the Final Five this year. Instead sources close to WCHA commissioner Bruce McLeod say that he is considering bringing in the Minnesota Gopher Band.

An unnamed source who has knowledge of the situation said, "It's been common knowledge since January that the Gopher hockey team really has no prayer of making the Final Five. This was bad news for our Final Five attendance numbers and we were in need of a contingency plan given 98% of Gopher fans are bandwagon fans. The Gopher Band is our contingency plan."

This is just a great idea if you ask me and there are so many ways to sucker in the bandwagon Gopher fans. This just may be the best decision Bruce McLeod has ever made. Sure that isn't saying much, but let's give credit to him on the rare occasions that he warrants it.

The Final Five would not be the same without Gopher fans. Drunk Bandwagon Gopher fans to be specific. If you need proof of the problems the WCHA could run into of a Final Five without Minnesota, you just need to look at the Gopher-Badger game played today. Gopher fans barely showed up today because the game was "meaningless". Given that a majority of Minnesota fans won't even bother to show up to a game with their biggest rival, they obviously won't show up to a Final Five when Minnesota isn't there. This is why I think McLeod's idea is brilliant. By having the Gopher band at the game, McLeod might trick just enough Gopher fans into showing up. One suggestion I have is to have the Gopher Band play the Rouser outside the X before a game and watch all the Gopher zombies be drawn in like moths to a flame.

Another idea would be to have the band play after UMD scores. Since a majority of Gopher fans wouldn't know a hockey puck if it hit them in the face, they will just assume that the maroon team out on the ice is Minnesota and will therefore do their spelling cheer.

Eli Unpronounceable

2010-02-28T15:23:00.009-06:00

Let's just start off with this. Yes, that is a real name. No, I will not tell you how to pronounce it. Learning how to pronounce Eli's name is like being allowed in a Secret Club. Until you prove you deserve the honor of properly pronouncing the name, you will forever be in the dark. Onto the blog.

So it's come to this. Michigan Tech fans are no longer even trying to support their team. Instead they have thrown their support behind talentless defenseman, Eli Vlaisavljevich. Not for his athletic accomplishments (duh) but instead for his academic accomplishments. He's been given the Tech Award for Super Awesome Fun Guy Genius or something, so he was nominated for this stupid award where I believe he can win a year supply of 2x4's, a box of wood glue and an assortment of bathroom fixtures.

Tech fans were absolutely giddy at the prospect of actually winning something, even if it was just a worthless award that came with a 25 lb. bag of potting soil. True to Michigan Tech tradition though, Tech fans are failing at this support. Eli is getting his butt kicked by Colin Greening. Maybe Tech fans really don't care that much about this award after all. It was just a few short years ago when they were stuffing the Hobey ballot for some random goalie. Cam Ellsworth I think his name was. Ultimately it doesn't matter really what his name was as he sucked, but at least Tech fans showed real support for their talentless players instead of just faking the support like they do now.

Finally, what is the deal with this? Are they really that lazy and unwilling to update their crappy site? Don't they want to recruit new members or let everyone know where their next little "competition" is? How will we get recent pictures of them prancing around the field covered in paint specks? I demand the Michigan Tech Paintball Club updates their website.

Husky Plans

2010-02-07T11:14:00.005-06:00

ST. CLOUD, MN (AP) -- Will it happen? That is the question that is on the lips of many St. Cloud residents this year. Will the local college hockey team, the St. Cloud State University Huskies, finally get over the hump and win a playoff game this year? Many a teams have tried and many a teams have failed. From Mark Parrish to his brother Geno "Clown Hair" Parrish to Tyler "Chubbs" Arnason to current players such as Garret Roe and Ryan Lasch, they've about as successful as Crystal Clear Pepsi. Residents are upbeat this year though as the Huskies are 10-1-1 in their last 12 games and believe that the Curse of the Llama may finally be lifted in a few months. Parties at The Red Carpet and McRudy's are already in the works for this momentous occasion, there is a rumor that a ticker tape parade down University Avenue is being planned and local seamstresses are bidding for the right to make a banner.

Husky fan Zack L. said "This is the year, I can feel it. And mark my words, the Schlitz will be flowing when the clock hits zero. Beating Clarkson will be the greatest moment of my life."

Other Husky fans aren't quite as confident though. "It's been the same [censored], different year for twenty years now. Why would this year be any different?" said a SCSU fan who did not wish to be identified, "I won't believe it until I see it. I hope they prove me wrong, but I doubt it."

Whatever happens, opposing fans are having a field day with the developments and rumors. St. Cloud State has frequently been the butt of jokes and it appears that Huskies fans exuberance and pre-planning will not help in this regard. Fans from Colorado Springs to Houghton, MI are laughing hysterically at the giddiness emanating from St. Cloud. "Seriously? Seriously? All this exsitemint over the beleaf that they'll actualy win won game? Its pathetic." said Eric B, "Call me when you win one, much less SEVEN championships."

Whatever the results at the end of the season, one thing is for sure, St. Cloud fans have something to look forward to.

The GGACPDS

2010-01-23T23:45:00.007-06:00

HI EVERYBODY!!! BILLY MAYS HERE! Direct from Heaven!!! Does your hockey coach frequently get confused or momentarily loose his sense of direction during games? Did it start with him standing on the boards? Did you try correcting this problem by presenting your coach with a compass? Did this only produce looks of befuddlement upon his face? Were you a bit concerned but also certain this was all there was to it? But it wasn't all, was it? He's progressively been getting worse, hasn't he? He's now walking on the ice, isn't he? You have looked high and low for a solution to this problem but to no avail. Am I right? Well then have you come to the right place! This has been a constant worry of hockey fans in the Colorado area since 1994 and finally after 16 years of research and hard work, we have found the solution!

Introducing the George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System or GGACPDS!! Yes, we are working on the acronym.

With this system not only will your hockey coach remain perfectly aware of his surroundings and remain on the bench with his players but he will also refrain from complaining to the officials for the entire sixty minutes of a hockey game! But don't take our word for it, let's hear from the system's namesake, Dancin' George Gwozdecky!

Thanks Billy! Hi, I'm Dancin' George Gwozdecky and for years I have suffered from momentary lack of reason while coaching the University of Denver. I frequently lose my sense of direction and wander about. It is much like sleep walking as I don't even recall doing it when I am shown the video. I finally decided enough was enough when on January 24, 2009 I jumped on the ice and wandered around in a game against the University of North Dakota. After watching this video and seeing the excuses the University of Denver announcers had to make up for my actions, I knew I needed help. I turned to Billy and he found my Godsend.

Just look at those Before and After pictures of Coach Gwozdecky! He goes from roaming all around the ice to calmly staying on the bench! All because of the GGACPDS. Now you may be asking yourself, But how does it work, Billy? Will it hurt our coach, Billy? How much does it cost, Billy? Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks. One question at a time!

How does it work?
It's as simple as can be folks! You just put the "Behavior Correctional Device" around your hockey coaches neck and define your boundaries (i.e. where you are going to allow your coach to roam). Most coaches are held within the boundaries of the player bench, but it's really up to you. That's the beauty of this system! It's CUSTOMIZABLE to your situation!

Will it hurt our coach?
The correction from the device may be uncomfortable and startling to your coach, but it will not hurt him. Many coaches only feel the correction once or twice and don't challenge the system afterwards.

But our coach has to leave the bench at intermissions, Billy. How will your system handle this?
The GGACPDS is just as easy to remove as it is to put on. Just have a trusted assistant coach or athletic trainer use the finger print scanner located on the GGACPDS to remove it from the coaches neck

Since you can't see the GGACPDS, could people become frightened when they see a "loose" coach?
No, not at at all. Your GGACPDS professional will provide you with bench signs to inform fans that your coach is safely contained by the GGACPDS.

Can the GGACPDS be used with a pregnant coach?
We have found no evidence that the system has any detrimental effects on pregnant coaches. If you however have concerns about putting the GGACPDS on a pregnant coach we recommend you consult with your team doctor.

Are there any types of coaches who can not be trained?
While we believe that any coach should be able to be trained, we've found coaches at Ivy League schools to be pompous pricks who often refuse to be trained. It is really up to the individual coach and whether he wants to be trained.

Can the GGACPDS be used on my basketball coach?
We have no idea. Who cares about basketball?

How much does it cost?
How much would you expect a system like this to cost? Similar systems sell for upwards of $259.

The GGACPDS will not cost you that much. We are happy to bring to you the introductory price of three easy payments of $49.95. That's right for less than $150 you too will be able to keep your hockey coach from ever being confused or lost again while a game is being played. Is this a great deal or what?

BUT WAIT!!! That's not all!! If you call right now with a credit card you'll get a second GGACPDS for only the cost of shipping and handling! But that's still not all!!! For those extra special coaches who after getting lost on the ice "forget" rules and "accidentally" use headsets comes the Headshocker!! It works just like the GGACPDS but comes in the convenient form of a headset!

If you insist on paying by check or money order, you will not receive the second GGACPDS but will still have the option of receiving the Headshocker!! for less than $150. Just send your check or money order to:
George Gwozdecky Anti-Confusion and Pro-Direction System
1602 Brent Sucks Drive
Plymouth, MN 55441

So call now and get your GGACPDS along with a second GGACPDS and the Headshocker!! All for only three easy payments of $49.95 plus shipping and handling!

Battle of the Big Reds

2010-01-19T17:02:00.006-06:00

What is the greatest Big Red to rule them all? Have you not often wondered this? Exactly! So why has this question never been posed? Political Pressure? Laziness? Fear of the Mob? Well I am not scared and I will investigate the answer for this question.

But is not Big Red the greatest British gum since [Ummm???]? Can we not vote on this?!

Well said, Will Ferrell. This is obviously a rhetorical question though as there is no doubt that it is. Other than the fact that it isn't British. But that isn't the point. The point is that Big Red is an awesome gum. I absolutely love cinnamon gum. It is the best flavor of gum and Big Red is the best cinnamon gum. This makes it the undisputed king of gum. So it's the Budweiser of gum. Except it doesn't suck.

If there is one negative about Big Red it is that it's is one of the official gums of the NBA. That is a major negative, but I believe Big Red overcomes this with it's awesomeness.

Still I think Big Red Gum is pretty tough to beat. It's an early favorite.

Big Red Pop. And yes it is pop. If you argue with me, you are just plain wrong and you deserve to be beaten with a shovel. I hate you. Big Red was invented by a guy named Grover. That is a major plus as Grover is just a sweet name. Any time you use a name from Sesame Street, you're alright in my book. A+.

Big Red has some negatives though. One of which is that I've never had it and don't really want to have it. Another is that it has become cocky and started making all these other flavors too. Way too show-offy if you ask me. And also not original naming. Thumbs down. It also proclaims itself as America's #1 Red Soda since 1937. There are two problems with this.

Way too cocky. #1 Red Soda since 1937? Really. Prove it.
IT'S POP.

Big Red Soda is not endearing itself to me. All talk and no substance. No thank you. An embarrassment to the Big Red name. Shame on you.

Western Kentucky's Big Red. What is it? Where is it? How is it? This ~~guy~~ ~~girl~~ ~~thing~~ whatever is beyond description, so let's just cut right to the chase.

Positives

Eyebrows can be used to great comedic effect
Can fit an entire Subway Party Sandwich in mouth
When gets drunk at party, has easily identifiable WKU marking on stomach
Scares old people

Negatives

Eats children
Can not procreate
Due to being constantly sunburned, will learn of melanoma at next doctor's visit.
Head confused for giant gumdrop
Frequently racially profiled when driving to work

Big Red is obviously much better than the pop, but doesn't quite measure up to the gum. That is nothing to be ashamed of though. Big Red Gum is just that awesome.

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

End of competition. It is all over. Can you honestly think of a more awesome dog than Clifford? NO, YOU CAN NOT.* Clifford rules. I think I read like one of his books ever, but I still recognize his awesomeness. Clifford is the Johnny Cash of children's books dog. There is nothing Clifford can not do. If Clifford came along 350 years earlier, he would have invented calculus. Clifford would bring about World Peace if he was just asked. There are no negatives to Clifford.

Final Rankings

Brad Malone
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Big Red Gum
WKU Big Red
Cornell Spirit Football
Red Foreman
Anything Big Red
Anything Red
Anything Big
Big Red Pop

*Snoopy does not count. Snoopy goes beyond the dog genre. Snoopy can not be contained into one single genre because Snoopy is Snoopy.

Gopher Crackheads

2010-01-12T18:05:00.007-06:00

What a surprise. Everyone's favorite Minnesota Gopher Crackhead, ~~Nate Hagemo~~ ~~Tyler Hirsch~~ ~~Jeff Dubay~~ ~~Dr. Rockzo~~ no wait yes Jeff Dubay, is back in the slammer. Puffy has once again failed a court ordered drug test. How many tests did he fail? One! Two! Three failed drug tests! AH AH AH! What is wrong with this putz? I mean seriously, is it really that tough? It really must be for the average Gopher player/fan/rube as there sure are a crap load of them running around. Why I bet in two years or less the Gophers will have enough crackhead convicts to form a line, pun intended.

This might be a good idea the more I think about it actually. Look at the current Gopher team, they absolutely suck and are seen as bunch of underachieving unmotivated losers by their fans. Is that not exactly how you'd describe a crackhead? I thought so. This means Gopher players are already halfway to being crackheads and all they need to do is take that final step. I say Minnesota players look to their Superfan for guidance on this last step and try some illicit drugs. Smoke some crack, huff some paint, pop some pills, eat some meth, inject some heroin. If they need one final push, why not go to Winter Park and get tips on how to become an Oxycontin addict from Grandpa Greaybeard? It's not like they could be any more of a disappointment.

The Frat Came Back

2009-12-30T15:48:00.010-06:00

Old Coach Hakstol had troubles of his own
He had a Frat who drunk around Grand Forks would he roam;
He said please stop but The Frat said no way,
So he sent Frat home and far away.

But The Frat came back the very next day,
The Frat came back, we thought he was a goner
But The Frat came back; he just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea

Now, Finley around the corner swore he'd kill The Frat on sight,
He'd toss his mower with all his might;
He waited and he waited for The Frat to come around,
Ninety seven pieces of the mower is all they found.

But The Frat came back the very next day,
The Frat came back, we thought he was a goner
But The Frat came back; he just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea

Idiotic Maine Fans

2009-11-30T13:14:00.004-06:00

For some reason this weekend, perhaps due to sheer boredom, I went to the UND-Maine women's hockey games. As per usual, I was singled out and harassed by security personnel. As per unusual, I did nothing to warrant such abuse. This was OK though and I took it all in stride, partially because of the entertainment Black Bear fans brought me.

Let's start out with Friday's game. I am waiting outside the arena for everyone's favorite one eyed sidekick, Schneider to show up. He was totally late and I suggest he try synchronizing his watch his next time, but that is neither here nor there. While impatiently waiting, a group of Maine fans walked by me. The first thing I noticed was the idiotic jerseys they were wearing and the utterly atrocious customization job that was done on them. I laughed at them in my mind. Finally One Eye shows up and after some shenanigans regarding how to obtain tickets, we go into the game. UND blows for the first period and it's boring. I question why I decided to come to this game. For the second period, Schneider and I go sit down, coincidentally relatively close to the Maine fans.

They are really into the game, which is more than I can say for pretty much anyone else there. It's a close game and I'm pretty bored. Finally in the third period excitement occurs. A Maine player goes on a breakaway. She doesn't score and then runs over the UND goalie. A penalty is called. This angers the Maine fans. They start chanting bad words. Schneider and I make fun of them. About a minute later, a face-off occurs in Maine's zone. I run up to the glass and yell "Hey! I check the goalie! It's legal now!". Maine fans are not amused. Schneider and I are though and that's all that matters. UND ends up "winning" the game in a shoot out. Why they are having a shootout for a non-conference game I don't know, but this is what happens.

Schneider and I agree that we need to come back on Saturday just to laugh at the idiot Maine fans and so we do. We arrive before them and as they are coming over to sit down I notice the guy who I assume to be their fearless leader is wearing sunglasses. Wearing sunglasses indoors is so lame. But there was something special about this guys sunglasses. They only had one lens in them. That's right, the right eye had no lens. What in the world? I took pictures of this goober with my camera phone, but they suck. Schneider and I laughed at this. How lame can you be? Why would you only have one lens in your sunglasses? Puzzling. A few minutes later, I noticed another guy in their group also had sunglasses. And he too only had one lens in the sunglasses. Maine fans are really strange.

Around this time was when I was harassed by security. Maine fans brought in air horns and started using them. This is evidently a big no-no. I was falsely accused and probably nearly kicked out because I wouldn't give up my air horn. It was entertaining though being yelled at for once when I had done nothing wrong.

This game also went to shoot out with Maine "winning". The highlight of this shootout was when the snooty nosed Maine fan yelled "Insufficient Funds!" at us when a UND player shot the puck off the pipe. Made no sense then and makes no sense now. It was entertaining though.

BTW, I'm taking back my take back when I said the Lamoureux Twins couldn't beat up PJ. We sat by them this weekend and they would totally own PJ.

Turkey Tournament

2009-11-23T17:17:00.007-06:00

Hooray! We won two games in a row!!! What you see on the left is the high point of the the Bemidji State program. Beating two teams that I don't remember and really don't care to remember either. Matt Dalton's life is all downhill from that exact moment that you see. Soon his life will consist of nothing more than eating Fruity Pebbles, smoking kitty litter and vacuuming out people's cars at the local car wash.

Bemidji is getting a new arena next year. All 12 of the Beavers fans and 1700 of their bandwagon fans are excited about this and think it makes them a big deal. It does not. By some miracle of God, Bemidji State is also getting into the WCHA next year. Well aren't they lucky ducks? Yes. They still don't matter though and will be a bottom dwelling crapsack of a team soon enough. Speaking of enough, I've talked about these losers more than enough. Let's talk about the team that dashed the Beavers dreams last year.

The Miami Hurricanes. These guys really came out of nowhere. I've seen highlights of them on ESPN showing up at the '87 Fiesta Bowl in military fatigues and heard of their crack smoking with 2 Live Crew and Luke Campbell, but that was 20 years ago. Heck, I didn't even know they had a hockey team until a couple years ago. Rico "Mini Gwoz" Blasi is their coach and he's supposedly pretty good at this. I disagree. I'm not going to go into why I disagree because this is neither the time nor the place, let's just say I've heard things involving chickens and the shaving of sheep. Disturbing to say the least.

And what is with their mascot promoting smoking? That's irresponsible. Miami wants children to smoke and get cancer. If that isn't reason to dislike these clowns, I don't know what is. I find it completely unacceptable and downright sickening.

Almost as sickening as I find Ohio State or THE Ohio State as they like to call themselves. What a joke. The caption is absolutely correct, only complete losers find the need to put "The" in front of their school's name in a lame attempt to fake importance. I could talk about the beads around the old man's neck and how he probably put them in "special places" of his two sons, but I've decided to make this into a more family friendly site this year, so you will have to come up with your own theories on the use of the necklace. That old man really needs to get some perspective in his life, BTW. It's a game, stop crying like your wife just died in your arms after being mauled by a grizzly bear. Even better, turn in your man card. Are you really crying over a game? Ohio is such a worthless state. Yuck.

Why Tech Fans Suck

2009-11-01T19:45:00.013-06:00

Does anyone really like Michigan Tech or their fans? Or is it just sympathy for what a talentless team the Huskies have and therefore people feel obligated to be nice to this collection of uber nerds?

While there are a number of reasons why Tech fans suck, number one on that list, and the one I shall focus on, is their constant use of stupid little gimmicks. And number one on this list of stupid gimmicks is their constant use of embedded audio. If you do this correctly, it isn't annoying at all and can be funny. Tech fans are too stupid or annoying to figure this out though. When they embed things, they insist on auto-playing and hiding it. This makes it so you cannot stop the music from playing. As if this isn't annoying enough, about five of these rejects do this and they all post different audio.

----------

Dear borderline retarded Michigan Technological University Fans,

I thought I made it clear in the above paragraphs, but obviously you are all too stupid to understand. The only people who are being made fun of in this blog entry are those people who embedded audio links in various threads on the United States College Hockey Online Message Board. If you're just a general Tech idiot, of which there are many, you will not be mentioned. ONLY if you have played a part in ruining USCHO for others by constantly embedding audio in threads will you be mentioned.

Understand? Good.

--------

Let's take a look at the primary Tech Tools and what makes them such despicable human beings:

First offender: Yager. Just look at this geek. What an absolute dingbat. He's currently the President of Mitch's Misfits or something. Not like anyone cares. Heck I'm sure most people don't even know what this is, but for those that do, at least know we know why this group of dinks has completely gone downhill. Would you want this four-eyed loser leading you? I know I wouldn't. I don't think there is a single redeeming quality about this jerk. He is pretty much the pimple on the arse of the boil that is Houghton, MI. I guess if you force me to say one nice thing about this putz I'd go with the fact that his mom looks like a total cougar. Because of this, I'll ask the one question everyone wants to know. Yager, is your mom a cougar?

Losers Number Two and Three: Twitchboy (left) and BeerPongHorn (right). The flicking off of the camera just illustrates their total uselessness. Both of these gumbas are graduates of Michigan Tech. That means that they should've gotten over the urge to flick the camera off at least two years ago. They obviously didn't though. You can't quite make it all out, but look at the headwear these two are wearing. A hot dog. A HOT DOG. Seriously? It nearly makes me puke every time I see it. Then BPH is wearing a whatever the heck it is. Actually, this particular headwear isn't that bad. It's more that he's like a History major graduate or something. Whatever he is, it's a completely worthless major.

The Forth and final Super Dork: Flashy Man. He's the doofus on the right. Yes, he's the one who's doing a thumbs up for another guy successfully pinning a flower to his suit coat. That just screams loser. I don't know who this other dork is, but if I did, I can guarantee you that I'd include him in this listing. Back to Flashy Man, I am unsure of what this name refers to. To me it sounds like he enjoys going to elementary school playgrounds and hitting on small children. I certainly hope this isn't true, but when you combine the words man and flash, it is what immediately comes to mind. So please Flashy Man, clear this up for us. Are you a child predator? Thus far the Family Feud Survey Says: Yes. Prove the survey wrong or live with the consequences.

Speaking of child predators, here we have two. Boosh, the dork in the sweater vest, is not a part of the above complete losers. He is however a student at Michigan Tech and did consciously decide to dress up like Mitch "I like little girls" Lake for Halloween. This is just downright disturbing. I have no idea why you would want to emulate this weirdo. Or I had no idea, until Boosh told me the following:

And I was actually at a party dancing with a 17 year old the night before.

Ewww! Rumor has it that Boosh was in fact dancing with TubaBabe/crazytechfan. Is it true? Is it false? Who knows, but the one thing we do know is that Boosh is just a bad person. I thought Boosh was relatively normal. In fact I know Boosh used to be relatively normal. That has changed now though and I find it sad. Boosh was a fine upstanding citizen of the world and now he's just a sick freak. If this doesn't prove that Friends Don't Let Friends Attend Michigan Tech, nothing does.

UPDATE: It seems we have an update on who Boosh was creeping on. I am now being told by a source who calls him/herself IHeartMileyCyrus that it was not crazytechfan. It was a young lady called "Annie". I have not confirmed this, so IHeartMileyCyrus may have lied to me.

Ren&Stimpy Polynesia Illness

2009-10-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

RPI is off to another horrible start. Sure they somehow managed to beat a New Hampshire team that must have been on on crack, but have since been their typical crappy selves. Going 0-1-1 against the Alaska schools is really nothing to write home about. Or email home about between marathon sessions of WoW in the case of the typical RPI student. Following that up by needing overtime to beat Sacred Heart just shows what a poor program the nerds from Rensselaer have. And finally they barely beat American International. I think a Simpsons quote is applicable here:

Mr. Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why [RPI] even bothers to show up. They barely even won.
Smithers: Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.

When is the last time RPI was even relevant? The more insane people of you might say similair things about Union, but RPI has totally gone down the crapper and they will obviously never recover. Union is a team on the rise while RPI is a team on it's way to becoming a whipping boy if they aren't already there. Pathetic.

Since we're talking about things at RPI that used to be, at one time RPI had something cool. Puckman. While they still have Puckman, he's no longer cool. This guy/girl....oh wait it can't be a girl, RPI doesn't have girls.....looks like a complete loser. And that isn't even a puck! it's a freaking sticker. This goober should be called Stickerman. Why do so many people think this dink is cool? Just look at him, it's obvious that he can barely even skate. He has no arms, just hands and carries a moronically oversized stick. Obviously he is trying to compensate for something. As far as that stupid "engineering helmet" he wears, it looks like a Greek fishing hat. No one wears those things still. Join the 21st Century Stickerman.

On to the game, is there any doubt that Kelly Zajac is going to completely destroy the Engineers? I'm guessing he'll score at least two goals and have one assist. Afterall, he's a Zajac and Zajac's rule. Kelly Zajac is also a 12th degree blackbelt, so in addition to outscoring them he will also beat up all of the nerds from Troy.

Dutchman Crush.

The Sourdough Mining Co. and Other Atrocities

2009-10-20T17:29:00.008-05:00

Since I really could not care less about the crappy and boring team that is the University of Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves, I looked for something else to write about this week. The only thing I could think of was to make fun of the mascot/prospector of the Sourdough Mining Co., Dusty. While looking for info on him, I located some of the crappiest commercials known to man. which coincidentally all just happen to originate in Alaska.

Let us start with the namesake of this blog entry and check out a Sourdough Mining Company commercial:

OK, this commercial starts out and I seriously have no idea what "Dusty" says. Perhaps something about being a hobo who has been given a fresh set of clothes? To answer your question Mr. Singer Guy...No, corn fritters don't sound very tasty to me. They sound disgusting in fact. I really wish I could have found the commercial that is featured during UAA games where Dusty loads his caravan up full of food with his mule Jake. That one is just comedy gold. This one is just average. The theme song is nowhere near UAA! UAA! We are the Seawolves and we're ready to play! Then again, what is? After seeing this commercial, I decided to check out the Sourdough Mining Company website . Look at this. How pathetic is Alaska? They are giving seasonal shows to hobos now? Shouldn't Donald have a job in this case?

Abstinence:

Sex may be worth waiting for, but this commercial wasn't. This isn't just an awful Alaska commercial, it's an awful anything commercial. I want that 30 seconds of my life back.

Alaskans Are Drunks:

I wish I was deaf. So when the guy gets put in the back of the cop car he's wearing a hat. Then when shown riding in the back he's no longer wearing a hat. Once he gets out of the car he's back to wearing a hat. Once placed in the slammer, no hat. Hello Continuity!

Smoking Kills Peoples!!!!!:

First of all, what the hell does a solar eclipse have to do with secondhand smoke? As for the message of the commercial, I disagree completely. I believe all people should be forced to breath secondhand smoke. Is that guy in the white shirt wearing a carpet sample on his head or something?

Crappy Carpet:

Wow, the production values on this one are sky high. That bird sounds like it has hiccups more than anything else. And is it wearing glasses? Why is it teal? You do have to admire how the bird can hover though. I thought only hummingbirds did that.

Dancing Morons:

Ahhh, the commercial that will be played 112 times this weekend and at least once every break. I do wonder where they recruited all these peons from though. I counted 10 different people, including the hockey player and mascot. That leaves eight fans and we all know UAA doesn't have that many fans.

Boozeless Parties:

Madame, you are WRONG! Alcohol abuse is never something to celebrate! Just pouring it out? What the? That is just not right.

Crappy Carpet Without the Bird:

What in the world kind of dance is that? It looks like a cross between a seizure and the "I have to pee but the bathroom is being used" dance. Quite the fashion statement though. Red shirt, leather vest and Spongebob tie.

Sioux Sweep.

Truthfully, I Just Don't Care

2009-10-19T19:21:00.005-05:00

Sioux Sweep

Total Arse Whooping: The Sequel

2009-10-18T10:58:00.012-05:00

Different Year, Same Result. At least to start with and actually it's the same year too. In the end though, it was like most sequels and just wasn't the same. It started out great but then sort of fizzled when compared to the original. It's not that it was bad, it's just that it couldn't quite live up to it's expectations.

At least it started out great though. Seriously I was beginning to become concerned for the Gophers. They just do not show up in Grand Forks. It's hilarious but is a bit concerning. No wait, it's not concerning at all. It's just hilarious. My grandma's bridge club could have put up a bigger fight.

Saturday Night

Oi, look at that! It's one of the most elusive and rare sightings in all of college hockey! A Golden Gopher lead in Ralph Engelstad Arena!!! By cranky, you see something like this and you just have to treasure it. Much like "the Whale," only beats Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime, so do the Gophers get a lead at Engelstad.

Ahhh, that's just sad. The rare Gopher lead has disappeared, likely to never be seen again. One hopes that the Gophers react well to this.

Well scratch that. Putting a guy in a headlock and dragging him over to the corner, throwing his helmet away and jumping back on him is more of sign that Tony Lucia has a future in Mexican Wrestling than a sign that the Gophers are reacting well to losing the lead.

And now the Gophers trail! Being outshot 20-8. They lose the lead, then jump players and now are losing the game. Wow this is just sad.

Ooooo! The Gophers tie it back up! With a shorthanded goal! Exciting!

!!!!! I was wrong! A second oh so rare sighting! In one night! This is amazing!!!!

Awwww. That didn't last long at all. Barely a minute.

Gopher Dance Studio?

2009-10-11T14:37:00.006-05:00

Does this picture really even need comment? Drew Fisher, Alex Kangas, Cade Fairchild and Mike Hoeffel obviously have no shame. I take that back, Fisher obviously does have shame because he wisely quit the Gopher team to avoid further embarrassment for himself and his family. Good job Drew, way to prove you have a brain in that head of yours. Unfortunately for your teammates, they don't share this particular trait. Then again, I don't know why I'm surprised by this picture. After all the Gophers are the team who thought just because you're in college doesn't mean the whole team can't get perms or bleach their hair. Just a tip for Gopher players, never use something on your hair that Wisconsin natives drink. It's just a good rule to live by.

Back to the picture. What exactly are these four marshmallowheads attempting to do? Synchronized Ice Dancing? Are they hoping to become Olympians in this since they don't have a chance of making it with hockey? Trying out for Karate Kid 4? Hoping to sell their dignity to the highest bidder? Whatever their objective, I hope they achieved it.

If the above picture proves only one thing, it's that Gopher players are idiots. Speaking of idiots, I think we've found some here. Currently 475 members who, if you read through the comments, have a combined IQ a shade under 500. It's also nice to see that the group maintains the Minnesota Xenophobic tradition of not allowing any outsiders to join the group. Different opinions are scary and shouldn't be allowed! This group seems to be devoted to the scores of insecure Gopher fans who aren't smart enough to have any comeback to Sioux fans when they are taunted. So they join a support group with their fellow thin skinned babies so they can cry on each other's shoulders and complain about UND. It's sort of cute. But it's also pretty sad. The pathetic life that is the average Gopher fan exhibited in that group. I believe we should start a collection for all these poor Gopher souls. Who's with me on this?

Miss Merrimack

2009-10-05T13:26:00.005-05:00

Mack Mack
Team plays like Crap Crap Crap
They give up lots of Goals Goals Goals
Grads live in Shacks Shacks Shacks

This team plain old blows. They haven't had a winning season since 1988-89 and that was only because they were an DI Independent and playing Little St. Annes Blind Paraplegic Underprivileged Girls School for the Poor. I don't even know why UND is playing them. Pity? Free Pairwise Wins? Who knows. Whooping a glorified DII team isn't that exciting. I think I'd rather nap. Naps rule.

Let's look at all the examples of Merrimack's craptacularness.

A success story is when one of their player's makes the AHL. Oooh, the Worchester Sharks. WTG! Even Anchorage doesn't find that impressive.
They have two, count 'em TWO, draft picks. Whooptee Doo.
Stupid Birthday promotion on October 23. What about me? What if I want to go to a game? I have to pay? I want a free ticket! I'm being hosed. BOOOO!!!
Sponsor a Jersey Program. Evidently no one wants to sponsor a jersey since it hasn't been updated for two years. Also toughest conference in college hockey? HA! Just the fact that Merrimack is in the Hockey East excludes it from being the toughest conference in college hockey.
They have a Frenchy who is curently ineligible.
Team Lincoln Log Lift.

Enough about the crappy hockey team though, lets find out more about the school.

Merrimack College is a school located in North Hanover, MA. Never heard of it.
Merrimack's president looks like a fat version of my grandpa.
Merrimack is filled with Jesus Freaks. Sad.
When using FireFox Merrimack's FAQ's looks like a eye chart. That's bad website programming. Shame on Christopher Blundon, who I assume is in charge of such a thing.

Lastly, I petition Danny Kristo be given the nickname Count. It just works.

Again with these Guys?

2009-09-27T09:50:00.007-05:00

I am seriously getting tired of playing Manitoba and their grammatically incorrect mascot. Every year UND plays these guys and every year they win. Why are we even bothering with this any more? Can't we play the WCHA Women's All-Stars or something? The highlight of this game is going to be seeing UND wear new uniforms. Zippity Doo Dah Day. New uniforms! No wonder this is the lowest attended game of the season, no one cares. What a silly waste of time.

Manitoba has a new coach this year. Well not really, but kind of. Mike Sirant has returned as the Bisonseses head coach after spending three years as the coach of the Danish national team. I barely remembered that Danishland had a hockey team until I read about Sirant. I was planing on making fun of Sirant and Lower Norway here, but meh. Who cares? I wonder if they could beat Manitoba? They should try, it has to be a better game than what will happen next Sunday.

Anyways, let's review the Manitoba website once again. To no one's surprise it once again blows. At least it's blowing in a new and original way though. Last year, Manitoba didn't bother to update the website and hence still had graduated players listed as on the team. This year, they've eliminated half the team and are only listing 13 players on their roster. Is that even legal? Don't you need to dress 18 players and a goalie or forfeit? Speaking of Manitoba's roster, I am once again amazed how they classify player's hometowns. It is completely disorganized. Some players have just their cities listed while some have their cities, province and country listed. Is the country really even necessary? Whether it is or not, this hometown listing is a problem every year and really isn't that difficult to fix. They just don't fix it though and it's beginning to annoy me. I really don't think asking for consistency is really that big of a request, but for Manitoba I guess it is.

It's not all negative with the Manitoba Bisonseses though. Once again Manitoba is a cheap ticket. Heck, it's getting even cheaper to go to games now. $50 for the whole season for all sports. ALL SPORTS! Every year I am amazed by this, it is such a deal. I can not believe they actually sell season tickets to one sport, much less all sports combined, for that price. You can barely get a single Sioux-Gopher ticket for that price.

There is one final thing I must say and it's another positive!

Dear Pierre-Paul Lamoureux,

I notice you have left Manitoba to come home to UND. This is wonderful and I welcome you back home. It's nice to see that you have wised up PPL, or as some people call you, PP. Given that you have returned to your rightful place, I immediately rescind everything bad I said about you last year. You aren't afraid of your sisters and they aren't embarrassed to be related to you. I apologize for any feelings hurt last year or people I angered with my scathing commentary of you, PPL. Please don't release your girlfriend/friends upon my blog again.

Thank You,

Dirty

DU Students Attempt to Copy UND Campout; Fail.

2009-09-26T11:20:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon a campout began for 500 student season ticket packages that went on sale this morning at the University of Denver. Hopes were high that DU students just might be able to emulate the students of their bitter rivals at the University of North Dakota and have a "Tent City". Early reports are that upwards of 27 of the 500 packages have been sold. Unfortunately, 15 students returned their tickets immediately after purchasing them. As explained by Drew Stevens, "We heard Barry Manilow was coming here and thought we were purchasing tickets to the concert." So that left DU with 12 student season ticket packages sold. By any typical school's standards this would be considered an abysmal failure. Pioneer students attempted to copy their heroes and like most sequels, it failed miserably. At DU though it is considered a great success. To me this is totally pathetic. 12 season tickets sold and DU is proud of this? Really? Wow, is that sad. Not surprising though, Denver fans absolutely suck. Proof of this suck comes in the middle of season when of those 12 "diehard" student season ticket holders, six show up for the game. Why? Because they believe it's more fun to fall down a mountain then it is to watch the Jelly Donuts play hockey.

DU Superfan, dggoddard, (note: a DU Superfan is defined as someone who attends 3+ Pioneer games/season) believes the key to getting all 12 of the students coming to the games in January is simple. Denver needs to make the games more fun for students. Better music, better entertainment, cheerleaders, etc are all required. Because obviously watching one of the top teams in the country isn't enough, the sophisticated palate of the typical DU student requires flashy lights and sparkles to draw them in.

To some DU fan's credit, they are attempting to solve the lackluster attendance by having the DU Grilling Society. Nothing draws in college students like free food. But really shouldn't this just be an added benefit of going to the games? No one will be attending games just to get food and if they are, they'll leave after they get the free food. That is unless the Grilling Society is making a sparkly trail from the grilling area to the student section in Magness Arena. Even in that case, I'm sure these students will just leave as soon as something else peaks their interest.

An idea I have for drumming up season tickets sales would have been for DU coach George "Dasher Dancer" Gwozdecky to come out last night to meet and greet with the students who were camping out. Unfortunately for DU students, George had more important things to do and was busy last night. Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie had an appointment with the Colorado Rockies announcing crew. People who watched the broadcast have informed me George agreed to visit with the Rockies announcers in order to talk about a fan base that actually cares about their team. Gwoz was absolutely beaming when speaking of the Fighting Sioux fans and his love for them. He mentioned several times how much he wished his own team's fans even had 1/10th the passion. George, how right you are. It's nice to see you are finally coming around to see how great we are. I'd like to think that I played a small part in George coming to this realization when I had him sign my book last year. Thanks again Dasher Monkey!!!!

UNDUI's: History's Second Worst Fantasy Team

2009-09-13T21:53:00.034-05:00

This summer I was asked to join a WCHA Fantasy League by MeanEgirl and I figured what the hell. It would be free and there was really nothing to lose, right?

Wrong. I find out this week that this thing is going to cost me $10. Well crap. I absolutely suck at everything fantasy, so I may as well just burn $10. I am totally hosed. It'll be fun though and the draft will be awesome though, right?

Wrong. Tip for anyone looking to join a Fantasy League of any kind, never join a league that has more than one St. Cloud State University fan. It's destined for disaster. Between Weldie forgetting about the draft entirely and another SCSU fan constantly losing his internet connection, it was hilarious. Incompetence at it's best.

But the highlight of the draft was Darcy "No, not Travis. DARCY" Zajac going in the fifth round. Darcy is most remembered for getting his butt handed to him two years ago by Tony Lucia. He averaged 0.44 points/game with a scoring line of 4-8-12 last year in the WCHA. I certainly made mistakes in the draft, most notably taking too many freaking UND forwards, but at least I didn't take a 10th round player in the fifth round. Even Al Davis wouldn't do that.

I need to credit dggoddard for my team picture. What better picture for the UNDUI's then a record of all their shenanigans? Plus I got to steal other people's hard work. Not only is that much easier than doing things myself, but it's fun too. I also need to dedicate the team name to Matt Frattin. Without him, I don't think I'd have thought of the name. I was trying to come up with a good name that involved Matt's name and something about lawn mowers. I was about about to go with Frattin's Mower Throwers when UNDUI's came to be like when Mary had that vision of Gabriel, only my vision was much more important and meaningful. So thank you

On to my "awesome" picks! RWD and MEg put all sorts of effort into planning and researching. I'm assuming other people in this league did something similair. I, on the other hand, took naps.

Round 1: Mike Lee - SCSU - Thank God I didn't go first, because I would've taken a forward. Since I picked like 4th, I started to panic.

Me: ARRRRGHHHH!!!! The only three competent proven goalies in the WCHA are gone, I'm totally screwed. Quick brain, who's Wisconsin's goalie?
Brain: Huh? What?
Me: Crap! Umm....ahhhh...ummm... a goalie? Mike Lee!!! Oh yeah, he's gonna be good right?
Brain: Wait! Are you sure that's the way this sort of thing works?
Me: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

Round 2: Anthony Maiani - DU - This is who I was planning on taking in the first round. Hooray! I still got him! Hooray!!! DU's gonna destroy everyone this year, so Maini will get a zillion points. At least he better or I'll be a bitter bear.

Round 3: Kurt Davis - MSUM - Sure he's a jerk. Sure he's a total mama's boy and his mommy gets her panties in a knot when you make fun of him. He's pretty good though.

Round 4: Derek Stepan - UW - This guy had two goals against UND in the last game of the regular season. I had never heard of him before. This is the only reason I drafted him. This is also why I stink at this fantasy stuff. Stephan is a good player and I had no idea of his existence.

Round 5: Ryan McDonagh - UW - Two BADgers in a row. YEECH! I feel sick. He'll be good this year though, so I swallowed my pride and took him. On the plus side, he's not a pure breed cheesehead since he's from Arden Hills, MN. This is the round Darcy Zajac was taken in. Just saying.

Round 6: Jason Gregoire - UND - He told Denver to stuff it. That's worthy of his selection all by itself. He's also going to be on the first line for UND this year.

Round 7: Brett Hextall - UND - I'm too Hexy for this league. No justification needed.

Round 8: Jordan Baker - MTU - To quote Private Pyle "I am in a world of shit." That is Jordan Baker. A good player on a crap team. Hopefully he can score a bunch of goals because God knows he won't get many assists with the clowns that will be his linemates.

Round 9: Curtis Leinwebber - UAA - I looked him up. He was the best pick available I thought. I'm probably wrong though. I sort of remember this guy from last year, but not really

Round 10: Mike Cichy - UND - This will either be a great pick or a crap pick. Who knows.

Round 11: Jon Olthius - UAA - I'd like to thank RWD for taking Austin Lee here. I was going to pick him! I'd have had the Lee's for my goalies. Boo to you Ms. PBHjT!!!! Instead I got Olthuis. He better be a better pick than Aaron Dell would've been or I'll be hella pissed

Round 12: Ben Hanowski - SCSU - Another either great or crappy pick. Might be tough for Ben when he has to play against opponents who know how to skate.

Round 13: Nate Prosser - CC - Who the heck is this guy? No idea. He had 10 points last year though.

Round 14: David Toews - UND - I'm taking way too many Sioux players here. I think Toews will have a much better season than he did last year though. At least 20 points.

Round 15: Nick Rioux - SCSU - Drafted cause his name rhymes with Sioux! No other reason

Round 16: Mario Lamoureux - UND - What? Another freaking UND player? Are you an idiot? Yes, I think I am. This was my last pick of the draft though and I expect Mario to have points similair to what Not Travis Zajac will and I got him 11 rounds later.

I don't think this team is very good, mainly because half the team is Sioux players and that means trouble when UND can't score. We'll see though.

Freshman Taunting: Junior Year

2009-09-03T18:59:00.005-05:00

I totally slacked off at the end of last year by not posting after the Colorado College series. Then I continued to slack off by not posting all summer. This is becoming a pattern with me. At least last year I had an excuse with no Sioux players being arrested or anything. This year there was comedy gold when Matt Frattin and Joe "Unibrow" Finley were arrested for tossing a lawn mower in the street. That is absolute greatness right there. Most college students are arrested for underaged drinking or having a loud party. This wasn't good enough for Matt or Joe though. No, they take pride in their arrest records and insisted they be tossed in the slammer for something unique. And what is more unique than tossing a lawn mower in the street? I say nothing. Or at least nothing that doesn't involve all those weird things Wisconsinites do. Another plus side to the Two F's saga is that Finley listened to me. Last year I had hoped he'd fight a polar bear or do something cool. He did it this year. To that I say thank you, Joe. I'm proud of you.

Another tradition I've done is taunting the freshman and their lame pictures. Sadly this year seems to have a rather weak crop, with a few exceptions there is nothing very exciting about them. I won't let that deter me from my mission though. So onward I go. Especially since it seems like half the team is freshman.

This year the team seemed to take a step back from the awesome suits and just wore polo shirts. They all wore the same shirt though. Well they probably didn't all wear the same exact shirt, but they wore matching shirts. That's lame. I want to see some variety and flair. Like in Office Space.

Brett Bruneteau I really have nothing to say about Brett. Nice number choice, I guess. Hopefully he's as awesome as fellow Brett, Hexy. I think I'm going to nickname Bruneteau "Banana". No reason.

Michael Cichy Mikey, as he likes to be called, looks like a guy I went to UND with. I called him Jebediah because he had one of those Amish chin beards. This is an ironic name given I think he hates Jesus.

Aaron Dell If ever there was a guy made to star on the show Whitest Kids I Know, it's this guy. Does he wear sunscreen 24-7? It looks like he'd get burned from the two watt bulb in a refrigerator. I guess since he's always on the lookout for the sun to make sure his skin doesn't melt, he doesn't have time to invest in a comb. Unfortunate.

Joe Gleason Undecided on major? Let me help you out Joe. You're going to major in accounting. You are an accountant. Don't fight this. Accept this. Move out of Walsh Hall and move into Gamble Hall. It is your calling. It is your destiny.

Ryan Hill I thought there was nothing to say about Bruneteau, ummmmm.....I'll be back when I think of something to say about him because right now I have nothing.

Corban Knight Corban seemed like a strange name to me so I looked it up. Who said you didn't learn anything by coming to this blog?

Danny Kristo He does have the Conan O'Brien hair going for him though and that's a definite plus. Maybe he can take over for Brad Miller. All we need is an Andy Richter type chap and awesomeness will ensue. Since he's second cousin to Ben Blood, I nominate Ben Blood.

Andrew MacWilliam If hockey doesn't work out for him, I think he could become muscle in the Scottish Mob. Does Scotland even have a mob? If so is it like the mob from Snatch? Would MacWilliam meet people who talk like Brad Pitt? Should I conduct the rest of this blog entry typing like a Piker talks? An interesting idea, but Goon already does that and I don't want to steal his thunder.

Tate Maris Sure he's the third string goalie, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe taking his picture will steal his soul. Use a Polaroid if you're too cheap to use a real camera. Draw a picture. Do something. Don't let the kid go through life with no picture. That's just cruel. As pointed out by Geist, wise decision on Tate's part to get away from Denver. No one likes Denver. Except Geist given he lives there. How confusing.

Carter Rowney Heeheee. Sexsmith! Heehee!!! Those are nearly Mike Singletary eyes. Carter could bore through a diamond with those.

Ryan Hill I told you I'd come back to him. I still have nothing to say about him though. He's like the rice cake of hockey players.

Tigerettes

2009-02-22T10:48:00.009-06:00

Is it time for Slick Rick to go back to writing novels? I say yes. Only when compared to the horribleness of Alex Kangas is Dirty Dick even a decent goalie any more. Richie Rich will supposedly be considering signing with the Dallas Stars after the season. This would likely be the Stars biggest mistake since drafting Brian Lawton as Bachy Wachy has stunk since Christmas. Richardo Bachalban has clearly shown that he can't handle expectations, so I'm not sure why any team would want to sign him. Ricky Bobby would fold under the pressure of even having to play in the ECHL, which is where he would be next year. Saying this, I would still be very sad to see Tricky Dick leave the Weed Capital of the U.S. as the Sioux have done pretty well against Richy.

I'd also like to pat myself on the back and give myself a gold star for picking the Lynx to finish in 6th place in the WCHA. This is just more proof that I am quite the smart person. Everyone thought the Jaguars were going to run away with the conference and only I had the foresight to know the Bobcats would do no such thing. Now the Snow Leopards won't even make the NCAA's. What an absolute failure of a season. This is not a surprise to me as I knew it would happen because when your coach has to spend half his time filming "Adult Movies", it's going to catch up with you sooner or later. Given the Kodkods had no leadership from their star player nor a coach, this was inevitable. The Cheetahs are an average team this year and I am proud to say that I was one of the few who realized this.

Seapuppies!!!

2009-02-16T13:47:00.009-06:00

The only thing currently worth snot in Anchorage, Alaska is Jean- Phillipe Lamoureux and Erik Fabian. I'm pretty sure JPL is the only reason the Aces are even in contention in the ECHL. If you check out the Aces website you'll see an example of how worthless the state of Alaska is.

Let's just look at this pathetic website for a moment.

The Aces don't bother to put up pictures from the last two years
Have a video link and radio link with no videos or radio highlight
Wallpaper link, no wallpaper
Screensaver, no screensaver
E-Card

I'm sensing a trend here.....

The Aces also don't bother to have statistics for this year on their website and they have the standings link go to last year's statistics. That's just bad linking right there. It really isn't that tough to have links go to the proper places. It's really basic HTML stuff and is rather pathetic that the Aces don't take the time to do anything properly. One final thing that is wrong with the horrible website is that they have a blog that hasn't been updated since last April. I guess this isn't really anything wrong as much as it is total laziness. That's even more pathetic than that Who's Whining Now toolbox. He's completely worthless and even he has done an update this year. To be even lazier than WWN is not something to be proud of. In fact it's downright embarrassing.

The Aces should be forced to fold just like the Fresno Falcons and Augusta Lynx did earlier this year as they are an embarrassment. This would be a good thing for all their players as they'd get to actually go to civilization and play for a team, instead of being two clicks from the Artic Circle.

While all these things are true, at least the Aces actually get people to come to their games which is more than can be said for the UAA Seapups. According to this, the Seapups get over 2900 people at their games. I don't know who is counting people or how they are counting, but I declare baloney on this. I'm not even sure if the person in charge actually knows how to count. When you watch UAA games the arena appears more barren than the Gobi Desert. Given this there is no way there are 2900+ people at the games. I'm not even sure if there would be 290 people at these games. Once again The Count is obviously needed.

And before it's said by one of UAA's six fans, having Red Pepper automatically makes Grand Forks a part of civilization.

Landcow Time

2009-02-09T17:52:00.011-06:00

I am still bitter about this Landcows thing. I started calling Mankato State/Minnesota State/Minnesota State-Mankato/ Mankato Normal School/Whatever the heck they are this week, the Landcows in like 2002. It being a totally sweet name to taunt Mankato, it caught on and oodles of people started using this term. This is good. Heck, this is great and awesome even. But no one ever credits or cites me. This is a bunch of crap. I deserve recognition. This is just one of the many brilliant things I have contributed to the world, yet I never receive the proper credit. In fact I receive nothing. Not even a pat on the back. This totally ticks me off and is completely unfair. It's not really a surprise though. Someone of my profound talent oftentimes has his ideas stolen and is seldom given the credit he so rightly deserves during his lifetime. I take solace in the fact that I am certain that in 100 years people will look back on everything that I did and give me the credit I deserve.

If there is anyone or anything that doesn't deserve credit, it's the Mankato fans and their incredibly lame use of the Ole cheer. No matter how many times people point it out, Landcow fans just can't seem to get it through their incredibly thick skull that this cheer is something a bunch of drunken Scottish soccer hooligans do. Why Mankato fans continue to use this stupid cheer is beyond dumbfounding. The continued use of this cheer is as lame as all those morons who do The Wave at a 1-1 game with three minutes left. The difference is that Mankato fans do their lame little cheer every single game. Why? Are they really that stupid and unoriginal?

I say yes, yes they are. Mankato fans are among the dumbest I've ever encountered. When I was there earlier this year, they were angry that a penalty was called on Kael Mouillierat for cross-checking Brad Eidsness. Unless I missed a memo or something, checking the opposing goalie is pretty much a guaranteed penalty. This is but one example about the knuckleheads who frequent the Alltel Center or whatever it's called now. That's another reason the Landcows are so lame. Not only do they switch their school's name every other day, but their arena's name changes all the time too. It's idiotic. Then there is the use of the color purple and their incredibly ugly jerseys. It goes on and on and on. Mankato is just filled with complete buffoons.

Why Sioux Fans Suck

2009-02-01T16:54:00.024-06:00

Since UND has a bye this week, I can't really talk about their opponent, so instead I'm going to talk about Sioux fans and why so many of them are such idiots. These are just a few of the reasons why so many of them piss me off. I know there are many more that I'm just not thinking of right now.

Bandwagon Jumping: UND starts the season off poorly or just doesn't win every game they play. People start hyperventilating and demand Hakstol be fired. Then UND starts kicking ass and all those people act like they knew it would happen all along. They are a bunch of douche bags. I hate these people. They should all move to Whitehorse, Yukon Territory and freeze to death because they suck. Seriously, screw these people. They act like total retards and complain about every single thing.

Irrational Expectations Not Met: They expect the team to win the national championship every year. There is nothing wrong with this, but when the Sioux don't do it, these idiots go back to thinking that UND is the worst team ever. Fucking idiots. You are a bunch of spoiled pricks. You somehow think that a bunch of college kids "owe" you a national championship. Well this isn't true, they don't owe you much of anything so STFU. As long as they aren't stabbing old ladies with rusty nails or throwing paraplegic children into wells, just be happy and shut up.

Reactions to Opponents Antics. They constantly rationalize what the Sioux do but other when teams do the same thing or something similar, they froth at the mouth and throw hissy fits. This is a lot like what my dad did like 10 years ago. He saw a guy cutting across a parking lot and said something like "Look at that stupid moron. Why do people do that. They are such idiots." I said "You do that all the time though." and he responded "Yeah, but when I do it, it's OK." Except my dad was half kidding. My dad isn't a total moron like a majority of Sioux fans. He realized I brought up a valid point. Sioux fans it seems can not do this. When a Gopher or Pioneer or Badger or any other player does something, it's a horrible abomination. When a Sioux player does it, he's either a hero or there is some reason why he had to do it. Occasionally this is true, but usually it's just a bunch of bullshit. The Sioux aren't perfect, stop acting like they are you dipshits.

Ref Conspiracies: Earth to Sioux fans, the refs don't give a crap about UND. They don't hate UND. They have better things to do. Stop bitching and whining. Not everything is a grand conspiracy against the Sioux. Shut the hell up and learn hockey before you start whining like a four year old having a time out. This isn't freaking Roswell or the X-Files, morons. It's a hockey game. I know you're from North Dakota, but stop smoking meth and coming up with all this stupid shit.

Caring What Others Think: Contrary to your beliefs, Jess Myers is allowed to have an opinion even if that opinion doesn't blow sunshine up UND's ass. Sure Mike Chambers is a freaking retard, but who cares? Laugh at what a talentless dickweasel he is. So quit bitching about every damn thing. It's not that big of a deal. A guy is allowed to say the Sioux suck without you getting your panties in a twist over it. Just calm down and shut up.

Hating Brian Lee: Never has there been more hatred then what was exhibited for Brian Lee. And it made no sense at all. Just because he wasn't like Mike Commodore or Matt Greene Sioux fans hated him. It was Goddamn ridiculous. He did absolutely nothing wrong and was a pretty good defenseman. No matter what he did though all these fucking mouthbreathing, cocksucking, talentless, braindead, imbred, shitbreathed, crosseyed dickhead retards could do was complain. He was supposedly the worst defenseman UND had ever had. Somehow, someway though Brian Lee managed to play in the NHL the year after he left UND. This just proves how moronic many Sioux fans truly are. They do not understand hockey and just decide to hate on a player every year. Absolutely idiotic.

One Specific Sioux Fan: I doubt his I.Q. even hits the decade he is stuck in. For some reason he thinks spearing opposing players is OK because it's part of the game while dropping your gloves is worthy of being excommunicated from hockey. How can you be that stupid? Oh wait, this is the same guy who thinks a senior should always play over a freshman until the freshman proves himself. That is unless the freshman is Jonathon Toews or Zach Parise or some other very talented player. This makes no sense at all, but that's just par for the course. Having a permed mullet, wearing leopard print pants and still being a Def Leppard groupie makes you a total loser. Get this through your skull, you fucking nimrod. You suck at life and seriously need to become a hermit as it would make the world a better place. Hell, become the next Unabomber, except totally fuck it up and accidentally blow yourself up.

More SCSU Fun

2009-02-01T09:25:00.007-06:00

We've all seen the zany posts of the preppy startthebus on USCHO. Many people hate him and if you look at the picture you can see why. He looks pretty fruity holding that broom. Not only that but he's wearing a collared shirt at a hockey game. If that doesn't say frat boy wannabe preppy douchebag, I don't know what does.

I being the intrepid and caring journalist that I am though, I put these things aside, ventured to the Dogg Pound and interviewed him. Note: Once again parts of this interview may or not have actually occurred and I may have taken some liberties with what was actually said.
Before I start the interview, I just have to say that startthebus told me my blog was hillarious. This is obviously a given. He said he and Andrew, the other guy in the picture, spent 40 minutes looking for it though. The fact that it is linked in my sig and it took them working in tandem for 40 minutes says all that needs to said about an SCSU education.

Dirty: So startthebus I see that you have your name in electrical tape on the back of your shirt. Is this why I think it is?
STB: Umm, I'm not sure. Your question confuses me.
Dirty: So the guy knows what to call you when he's......
STB: HAHAHAHA, oh yeah. That is an added benefit. But I mainly wear it because I'm too cheap to make an iron on transfer.
Dirty: Wow, that's pretty pathetic. I mean those things are pretty cheap.
STB: Yeah, I know but I spend all my money so I can buy bling for my ear piercings.
Dirty: Isn't the left ear the gay ear?
STB: Well I have both ears pierced.
Dirty: Oh, so you're bisexual.
STB: ........................ (Obviously not understanding what I said)
Dirty: OK moving on, why did you come to SCSU?
STB: Well I'm from St. Francis, MN!
Dirty: Ummm, ok. That doesn't really explain anything.
STB: OK, a little more background. St. Francis has a really crappy hockey team and I figured, what the hell I should continue the tradition and go to a college that has a really crappy hockey team.
Dirty: Makes sense.
STB: It does. I'm so smart!
Dirty: I wouldn't go that far. So being from St. Francis, do you know recent Husky commit, Joey Benik?
STB: I do! Actually, I'm friends with his brother Charlie. He plays hockey for Finladia.
Dirty: Well aren't you lucky?
STB: I am! In fact when we were in high school, Charlie and I formed a male escort service called Sugar and Spice. I was Sugar. We catered to all St. Francisites and I do mean all.
Dirty: Ewwwwww.
STB: Don't knock it till you try it, man!
Dirty: Ummm, no. Ewwwwww.
STB: Both Charlie and I are hoping Joey follows in our footsteps. Having a DI player in our stable would really help our profit margains.
Dirty: This is getting a little too weird, even for me, therefore I'm going to change the subject now. I see that Joey has 85 points in 20 games and has 9 hat tricks. Does St. Francis play anyone?
STB: Pretty much no.
Dirty: Meadow Creek Christian? That's an actual school and they have a hockey team?
STB: I guess so.
Dirty: This is utterly pathetic. The only decent teams they play are Totino-Grace and Benilde. No wonder Joey scores so many points.

At this point in the interview, I noticed everyone's favorite person and the interview abruptly ended. When you taunt me, karma will get you. That's exactly what happened last night. I once again sat by Mrs. Grumpy, though a few rows farther back this time. She didn't notice me for most of the game, but then in the third period she saw me and decided it was once again time to taunt me. Well I had had enough of her taunting and decided to say something this time. She asked me what I did with the pictures I took. If I wallpapered my wall with them.

For two minutes I rationally explained to her why this made little economic sense in a very sarcastic tone and asked her how she became so brilliant. I don't think she knew what she was unleashing and I don't think she really appreciated me going off on her. But that's ok as it is safe to say that I had the everyone around me on my side after my response and she didn't say another word to me the entire game. Don't mess with me, Mrs. Grumpy, you will lose. Lesson learned.

I was then visited by a security guard who probably thought I was about to murder someone. But then he realized who I was and immediately changed his tune and was on my side. Once again Mrs. Grumpy, know your role. I rule.

SCSU Fun

2009-01-31T00:58:00.015-06:00

Rumor has it that SCSU often has what can be called chubby cheerleaders. This idea was confirmed when out onto the ice lumbered Captain "Jumbo". I don't remember what her name was even though, it was said like 30 times. I don't really care what her name is though. While talking to everyone's favorite fag, startthebus, I learned that not only was Jumbo the cheerleading captain, but that she was also from Fargo. Could anything be more perfect? Obviously, I needed to take pictures of "Jumbo" and make fun of her cause I'm a mean person.

Well my talking about "Jumbo" made this lady very unhappy. She did not approve of my actions at all. She told me "If you want to take a picture of something funny looking, you should take a picture in the mirror". I was quite impressed by this insult. Sure it was completely unoriginal, but she managed to put down her hohos and twinkies long enough to tell me this.

Check out that horrible perm and Joe Mauer-level sideburns. Impressive. This woman of course barely understood what the hell was going on on the ice. My favorite moment of hers was when the Huskies took a penalty and she stood up clapping, thinking the penalty was on the Sioux. I made a comment about this to Schneider. At the same time Schneider stood up and clapped making fun of Ms. (Mr.?) Grumpy. Well this was met with great dissapproval from this "woman's" husband. He just stared at me for a good five seconds. Hubby Man was the silent type most of the game. That is until UND breathed or did anything and he'd whine about how it should be a penalty. Actually, he barely did this, his only concern seemed to be that when UND iced the puck that all the players not be allowed to change lines. For most people this would be a minor concern, but to Mr. Hubby it seemed to be the only thing that mattered in the game.

Since Ms. Grumpy thought I should take a picture of myself so everyone could laugh, I did. Notice the goofy face I made! HAHAHAHA! I look so funny! OMG!!!! I don't weigh three metric tons or look like a horse kicked me in the face, so obviously I look way funnier than "Jumbo" of Ms. Grumpy.

After the game Mrs. Grumpy decided she needed to taunt me a little more and tell me the score of the game was 3-0. Another original taunt on her part. For being such an ugly skank, she sure was funny! I love this "lady". She's one of those wonderful people who don't think opposing fans should be allowed in the arena because her life is that pathetic. There is nothing cooler than taunting some opposing fans despite the fact that you barely understand what is going on. From the looks of her though, I don't blame her. She either works as a secretary at a dentists' office or just sits at home all day watching As the World Turns and eatings bon bons. But hey, she gave me an entry to write about, so I have to thank her for that.

The Tale of the Dasher Monkey Signing

2009-01-25T12:03:00.012-06:00

As many may remember, everyone's favorite college hockey coach also happens to be an accomplished author. Given that Grand Forks was lucky enough to have a world renown author visiting town, I really felt that I should take advantage of it. Sadly, it cost me $17.04 because I'm lazy and kept forgetting to buy a cheap used version off EBay or Amazon and had to buy new copy from Barnes and Noble. The cost of this operation just gave me all the more motivation though. I needed to talk to Curious George about this wonderful book.

Problems were abound from the start though. I went to the Denver bench to have a nice conversation with the players. Where was Gwoz? Would he come out? Could I get my book signed? The players were non-responsive though. Perhaps I used to big of words. Perhaps they didn't like me. Perhaps they are just jerks. I don't know. But they refused to help me. I was sad. Given that these dickheads refused to help me, I decided to bid them adieu and get the book signed without their help.

I didn't need their help anyways. I figured at some point The Dasher Monkey was going to come out during warmups. I was right. Towards the end of warmups, I spotted Georgey Porgey in the tunnel and made my move. I had to bide my time and wait as Georgey was being interviewed and I did not want to interupt him. Because I'm a nice guy like that. Finally the interview ended and it was time for me to spring into action. I get Lord Farquaad's attention and BAM! Success. My very own signed copy of Hockey Drills for Passing and Recieving! KICK ASS!

To commemorate this happening, I asked Schneider to take pictures. I mean wouldn't it be great to have pictures taken of Georgey signing the book? Of course it would. He failed at his one job though. As I handed the Dasher Monkey the book, Schneider realized he was completely out of position to take the picture. In other words, he was the Geoff Kinrade of photographers. I blame it on him only having one eye. There's really no other explanation for this epic fail. This is a lesson, never have morons assist you in your plans. They will only disappoint and fail you because they suck at life.

If anyone would like to post a book review here, I would welcome it.

BTW, patience is a virtue, bitches. Sometimes you have to wait for the greatness that is this blog and it's entries.

The Interview

2009-01-11T11:06:00.013-06:00

Rather than just taunting the Tech Paintball Team, this time I've decided to do something different. Pictured to the left is one M.P. His name has been changed to protect the innocent, or in this case, nerdy. He was on the Tech Paintball Team and I was lucky enough to meet him in the Olympica Room at Joe Louis Arena when I attended the abortions of games that occurred during GLI. I took this opportunity to interview M.P and delve into the reasons why Tech Paint sucks. Here is that interview. Note: This interview may or not have actually occurred. Who is to say?
BTW, if you want a podcast of this interview, just send $19.95 to me and I'll be happy to hook you up. That's a lie too. I'll happily take your money, but I won't send you a podcast. Mainly because one doesn't exist.
Dirty: So M.P., the world is dying to know. Why exactly do you play paintball? Isn't it completely lame?
M.P.: Not at all Dirty. I find paintball to be completely exhilirating. Sure many people would find shooting miniature cans of paint at one another for hours on end completely retarded, but I'm not one of those people. Plus it's way better than Settlers of Catan.
Dirty: You bring up a good point. I still contend that paintball is completely lame, but wow is that game idiotic.
M.P.: In the immortal words of Jacques Lemaire, There's no doubt. Any game where the point is to stick your wood in your sheep or something like that, is just plain wrong.
Dirty: Anyone who plays that game does not deserve to breath.
M.P.: Do you know what my favorite board game is?
Dirty: Ummm....no? I don't really ca...
M.P.: [Rudely interupting] Chutes and Ladders!
Dirty: Why did you tell me that? I really don't care.
M.P.: I'm the President of the International Chutes and Ladders Club!!
Dirty: OK, seriously I don't care. And stop taking this interview off track, only I'm allowed to do that to other people. Knock it off or I'll have ShirtlessGuy sit on you.
M.P.: Sorry. I'll be good.
Dirty: That's more like it. Now what exactly makes paintball not a complete waste of time, money....Hey those are two Pink Floyd songs! Do you like Pink Floyd?
M.P.: Of course.
Dirty: Good. You know what, I really don't care that much about paintball and don't want to know anything else about it.
M.P.: But I wanted to spread the Gospel of Paintball!
Dirty: Too bad. Eric Cline.....why does he think he's Quailman?
M.P.: Who the hell is Eric Cline?
Dirty: He's your teammate on that stupid paintball team!
M.P.: Oh man, I hated that kid. He sucked. Plus he was one of those CS nerds. There is nothing worse than CS nerds at Tech. They are perhaps the biggest losers on the face of the earth and Eric Cline is their king.
Dirty: I'm quite angered at the way he sullies the good name of Doug Funny by totally fucking up the Quailman costume. First of all, he doesn't even have the belt configured correctly on his head. Second of all, the belt isn't even the right color. Third, he doesn't even appear to have the "Q" on his chest. Seriously, WTF? This wasn't even a half assed effort. It was just pathetic.
M.P.: Agreed.
Dirty: One word answer. Dan Hutchison. Child Molestor?
M.P.: Yes.
Dirty: I brought up the point last year that Jason Kramer, Ben Waring and Jeremiah Wileman all had the same picture on the worthless Tech Paintball website. Why hasn't this been updated? It's been over a year. How lazy are you?
M.P.: That's not my job.
Dirty: Nice excuse. You really should take responsibility for yourself.
M.P.: Why are you asking me all these questions? How the hell am I supposed to know why the website hasn't been updated? Why don't you ask that loser Cline about it? He doesn't do anything other than play on his computer all day. He should have some idea about the website.
Dirty: So essentially you are just pawning the blame off on others? Once again way to take responsibility for your actions.
M.P.: You know what? Screw you! I don't have to take this shit. You said you wouldn't be a total prick and yet here you are being just a cock. I'm done with this. Fuck You
Dirty: You agreed this would be a no questions barred interview and now you're being a total weenie about it?
M.P.: Shut the fuck up. I swear to God I will beat you with a monkey wrench if you don't.
Dirty: Jesus Christ. Calm down. It's not that big of a deal.

At this point things got a bit dicey and the interview degenerated quite a bit. M.P. started throwing chairs and hitting old ladies with bottles of Jim Beam. I tried to reason with him but he would have none of it. He was body slamming paraplegics and punching small children in the uvula. Eventually he was subdued with horse tranquilizers and I thought it may be best to end the interview. All told the damages were quite extensive and I was asked never to conduct an interview at the Olympia Room again as my style proved too real for many to handle.

So what did we learn from all of this? First of all, that I am an exceptional interviewer. This really isn't a suprise because I just rock. We also learned that M.P. has quite the temper.and seems to enjoy causing extensive damage to things that don't belong to him. We also learned that Settlers is the gayest board game ever invented. But the single biggest thing we learned is that Eric Cline is bad at coordinating his costumes and therefore should never be invited to parties. Not even his own.

Per FHG's Request

2009-01-11T10:08:00.005-06:00

Total Ass Whooping.

GLI: Hoping I Don't Get Shot

2008-12-22T19:14:00.015-06:00

O, we don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan

The whole state of Michigan, the whole state of Michigan
We don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan, cause Ohio sucks too

While this song typically only applies to the fake U of M, I'm going to expand the coverage of this song to all crappy schools in Michigan. That means this song covers Michigan, Michigan State, Lake Superior State, Wayne State, Michigan Tech, Grand Valley State, Saginaw Valley State, Northern Michigan, Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan and every other Directional Michigan there is.

Seriously, is Michigan really worth anything? It's far and away the worst state to get a job in. It's worse than fucking Mississippi fer Christsake. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I! Any time you are worse than Mississippi at anything, it's time to pack up your bags and leave town because you have obviously failed at life. I can only assume that Michigan sucking donkey ass when it comes to unemployment is one of many things that Michigan blows monkey balls at. They obviously eat cow crap at football as evidenced by Wolverines and everyone's favorite laughing stock, the Motor City Kitties.

But what really sucks the most about Michigan is obviously the Michigan State Spartans. When you are in last place of the CupCake Hockey Association, you are just pathetic. These jerkoffs are a year and a half removed from fraudiently winning the national championship. Now they are the worst team in Michigan. At least Michigan and Michigan Tech are making an effort to not suck. Michigan State is doing absolutely nothing. They suck and seem proud of it. This is the school that infected the this country with the world's biggest village idiot, Johnny Spirit. You would think they'd try to make up for this crime against humanity by being a decent team. Instead they do the exact opposite and suck more than a Paris Hilton model vacuum cleaner.

Lets forget about the crappy ass hockey team and instead look at something Spartan fans seem to actually care about. Rioting. No wait, I mean Pumpkin Pushing. I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter how good you are when your coach is 53 years old, dresses like an 70's undercover cop hopped up on PCP and no doubt has countless STD's from his college days. When this happenes you automatically lose all credibility. Could this assclown look any dumber? He obviously stole that vest from his wife. And way to sell the whole hippie motif by wearing that watch, Izzo. Fucking moron. Equally pathetic is Izzo's attempt to dress up like a spartan soldier. This isn't even close to believable. He looks like a complete tool bag. And what is with the nipples and "outtie" belly button stuff? That is just lame.

Kids These Days

2008-12-14T12:24:00.015-06:00

It's time for The Count again!!!!

One!! Hahaha!
Two!! Hahaha!
Three!! Hahaha!
Four!! Hahaha!
Five!! Hahaha!
Six!! Hahaha!
Seven!! Hahaha!
Seven Potential Dude Love Victims in the box!!

Actually there ended up being eight guys in the box. Team USA is such a bunch of goons that they had to bring out a folding chair. Wow. That is pretty impressive. Let's list off all these clowns:

Kenny Ryan - Boston College
John Ramage - Wisconsin
Richie Crowley - Unwanted Stiff
Drew Shore - Denver
Ryan Borque - New Hampshire
Cam Fowler - Notre Dame
Kevin Lynch - Michigan
Jeremy Morin(Not Pictured) - Unwanted Stiff that refuses to wear a shirt or jersey

What does this show? I have no idea. That teams from all across the country want American Goons? It's rather obvious that many of these guys shouldn't be attending Pioneer High School and should instead be sent to a Juvenile Detention Center. Their shenanigans are completely ridiculous. Especially given who they were playing in the game, Michigan Tech. If Team USA wasn't such a bunch of goons, they probably would've won the game. As if it wasn't embarrassing for the team to lose, they gave up four goals to the Huskies. That is just terrible. I would think Ron Rolston had to be dissappointed in his team for such a subpar effort and of course for being jerks.

There is one player however on the U-18 Team who distinguishes himself from his delinquent teammates by the name of Nick Mattson. This is not surprising as Nick Mattson is a UND recruit and therefore a perfect gentleman. In fact, as of December 7 "Noble" Nick is the only non-goalie without a penalty on Team USA. As you can tell from this article, Nick is just complete awesomeness. Which makes him the exact opposite of all his jerk ass teammates. It's a wonder he can put up with such cretins. The fact that he can do this makes him all the more Noble and just proves why he deserves the nickname I just gave him five minutes ago.

BTW, what's the deal with the USA wearing white helmets? I never got that. It just seems weird to me.

Nothing this Week

2008-12-12T22:31:00.005-06:00

SCSU is not worthy of my taunting.

To all my fans, haters and stalkers, sorry for the delay in posting this. I know you all wanted your fix.

Harvard Potter and Thirteen Houses

2008-12-03T17:53:00.010-06:00

What is the deal with Harvard having House Affiliations? Cabot, Quincy, Pforzheimer, Lowell, etc. Sounds like something out of Harry Potter. Do any of the hockey players belong to Slytherin or Gryfindor? How about Quiddich? Do any Harvardites play Quiddich? You may think this is just another one of my crazy/moronic conspiracy theories, but you would be wrong. I have proof that Harry Potter and Harvard are related.

Harry Potter is played by Daniel Radcliffe and Radcliffe College has been integrated by Harvard.
J.K. Rowling, the author of Harry Potter, is British and Harvard admittedly stole most of their ideas from Oxford.
Harvard has a player with the last name of Moriarty. Moriarty was the villain in Sherlock Holmes books.

Is there any doubt that I am on to something here? Further research is likely necessary, but there is something afoot.

Moving away from the Harry Potter Conspiracy, what House Affiliations really amount to is that Harvard is filled with pricks. House Affiliation my ass. It's a fucking dorm. Quit trying to make yourselves sound special, you aren't. You're just a bunch of buttweasels who got fleeced into paying $40,000/year to attend a school with a bunch of other pricks. That's it. Calling your dorms House Affiliations does not change this.

Cornell Bye Bye Bye

2008-11-25T17:18:00.003-06:00

The Cornell hockey team seems to be quite big fans of boy bands. I am rather sad that this video no longer exists on the Internet though as it would provide wonderful entertainment for everyone. I'd say which Cornell player corresponds to which Nsync but amazingly I don't know the names of any of these clowns. I do remember that the guy on the far left hosted that NBC show Singing Bee. It was quite the crappy show the one time I watched it. Completely worthless, much like the entire ECAC. Even when UND is playing like absolute crap, such as now, they should still easily smoke a crappy team that doesn't even have a real nickname.

Cornell has a myriad of completely lame "athletic" teams that includes but is not limited to polo, rowing, squash and sprint football. And that's just talking about men's sports, on the women's side Cornell has equestrian (i.e. sit on a horse) and fencing (i.e. poke each other with a stick). Actually rowing actually isn't that lame. Polo, squash, equestrian, fencing and especially this sprint football (i.e. football for pussies) are incredibly lame though. For those of you that don't know, which I'm assuming is everyone given how stupid it is, sprint football is essentially football for talentless geeks. I love that it's called sprint football since the guys who play it are no doubt slower than crap. Why else would they play this instead of real football? Because they are slow, white, unathletic, preppy pricks. In other words, your average Cornell student. I had seriously never heard of this lame ass "sport" until five minutes ago when I found it on Cornell's website and I know about jai-alai fer christsakes. I don't think this should even be considered a sport and according to the NCAA it isn't. I am all for this. Sprint Football is horrible. It's like half a step up from marbles and jacks. The fact that Cornell prominently promotes this psuedo-sport on their official athletic website is beyond pathetic. It should be reason enough to revoke their Ivy League status. Which is a sham to begin with given where they are compared to the other schools. Cornell is to the Ivy League what Temple was to the Big East. An embarrassment. The Big East wised up and kicked Temple out. The Ivy Leaguers should do the same to Cornell.

Hjelle Fishing Time!

2008-11-16T17:00:00.020-06:00

If only Brady Hjelle actually got to play, Hjelle Fishing would be possible this weekend. Sadly the only thing Brady does is develop splinters in his butt. So he's like Nate Ziggleman except he's not from Grand Forks and therefore sucks.

Brady's lack of playing time is really sad because I can't think of anything that would better than going Hjelle Fishing with Spongebob and Patrick. As long as Squidward doesn't come with. That guy is a freaking dick. He gives a bad name to all Squidkind. As much as I dislike Squidward though, it does not come close to the disappointment I feel that Brady Hjelle will not be doing anything this weekend other than standing behind all his teammates on the bench looking like a complete dink.

Speaking of Brady's, it's rather obvious that Jack Connolly worships Carol Brady. What else could explain that horrible haircut? What is the deal with that thing? Does he curl his hair in a vein attempt to woo Alex Stalock? I should hope that it doesn't work. No one should be impressed by that horrible 50's housewife hairdo. Jack Connolly looks like he should be Kevin Arnold's mom on Wonder Years. This would be the perfect time to talk about the awesomeness that is Winnie Cooper, but I have enough pictures in this entry so nah. I believe that Jack Connolly is a total loser. This theory is proven to be correct by the fact that he can't even get an original name and has to steal his teammate's.

And it's not even a good teammate either. It's Mike Connolly. Upon first inspection, he looks normal but then you notice something. He's a pubehead. Pubeheads, much like Mormons, are all bad people. There is no exception. It's a law. While it's not a well-known law, it's still a law and is called the Pubehead Certainty Principle. This law states that any person who's head is covered with pubic hair is automatically a jerk and completely worthless to the rest of the world. Few people know that before there were Christians, the Romans threw pubeheads to the lions. We took all sorts of ideas from the Romans, I want to know why we didn't take this one. Much like gingers, pubeheads are a festering pimple on the world, except some gingers are awesome while no pubeheads are awesome. They all suck. Have you ever met a pubehead who wasn't a total stuck up prick? I didn't think so. So screw you Mike Connolly. You are total jerk and no one likes you.

Halfway to being swept

2008-11-15T10:32:00.004-06:00

Congratulations UND. Way to play like absolute crap. Way to sit around and do nothing. Way to expect to win without having to even try. This was an utterly pathetic game. Playing great for two minutes doesn't really work out very well, does it? I want my $20 back that I spent on this game because I got absolutely ripped off.

The only thing UAA had to do to win this game was show up and they did that for 20 minutes which is helluva lot more than UND did. What an absolute embarrassment.

Two Boring Weeks in a Row

2008-11-09T15:27:00.018-06:00

I would like to personally apologize to someone for being lazy last week. I can only assume this is a picture of him when he was Fire Helmet Kid #36. I have a good reason to be lazy though. Colorado College is boring and they have no fans. There was absolutely nothing for me to add to the series and I had no idea what the hell I would talk about, so I just decided to skip the whole thing. I had a similar problem for this week, but decided I didn't want to disappoint the little fellow in the picture two weeks in a row and should make an effort.

On to this weekend's series. I've already covered a number of things about Alaska Anchorage such as "What the hell is a Seawolf?" and "Why they hell would you name your team after a loaf of bread?". The next thing on my list about the safety school of 54th state is.......

What is the deal with Anchorage and their horrible attendance? I've watched three UAA games so far this year and in all of them the attendance has been absolutely putrid. These games have all supposedly had 3100-3700 people at them. The problem with this claim is that I've seen about 20 people in the stands for these games so unless there are 3000+ people just out of camera range, the attendance numbers are obviously complete bullcrap. The only thing I can figure from this is that Alaskans don't know how to count.

Enter stage left this guy. Alaska Anchorage, their fans and the Sullivan Arena staff are obviously in need of his help. I truly believe The Count could teach the entire state of Alaska a myriad of things and perhaps they could teach him to make a canoe out of a caribou or how to train polar bears to do your bidding. That would be pretty sweet actually. Teaching Polar Bears to maul people and stuff. What a great idea. I'm such a genius some times.

Anyways, in exchange for learning how to see Russia from your house, The Count could teach Alaskans how to what else, count.

"One....hahaha
Two....hahaha
Three.....hahaha
Three Seawolves fans in the entire arena. Wow, pathetic."

Pathetic indeed Count. You are a wise man. Maybe that's why you're a Count.

Since this is another boring week where the Sioux play a team that I really don't care much about, I'm going to take a break and make a PSA here. The Honkers were totally under appreciated. While guys like Bert, Ernie and Elmo get all the pub, awesome dudes like The Honkers go about their job, teaching kids all sorts of stuff with little to no fanfare. This makes me very sad. I loved The Honkers. I do question why Grandpa Honker is not wearing any clothes though. That's kind of scary. No one wants to see old man parts, especially when they are old man Honker parts. So Honkers, I salute you. You underappreciated monsters, you.

Now that I have done that, back to the discussion on UAA's pathetic attendance. I really don't understand how this can happen. What is there to do in Anchorage? Stare out your bedroom window at the mountains? Put a saddle on your pet walrus and waddle around town? Eat pizza at Uncle Joe's? The answer is obviously absolutely nothing. So why is there no one at the games?

I did a bit of research (I know! Amazing, isn't it?) and checked out the Alaska Aces', the ECHL team in Anchorage, attendance. They've managed to get more people at every single one of their games. So what's the deal with UAA? Obviously no one cares about them in Anchorage.

Last but certainly not least.....UAA! UAA! I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but it is freaking awesome. It's the best thing about the Seapups. So bad. So horrible. So indescribable. No school song could fit a team more perfectly. If only Sebastian Bach was singing it, it would have been perfection. BTW, in my research of the Alaska Aces, I discovered their team song. It's pretty much just as pathetic. Quite sad that none of the hockey teams in the 57th state can have a decent song associated with them.

Ode to Wisconsin; How I hate Thee

2008-10-26T11:15:00.012-05:00

UND plays the Dead Deer Rapers this weekend. As everyone knows, Wisconsin sucks. I thought I should investigate this and find signs that are located throughout Wisconsin that illustrate this point. Please note: Signs may or may not actually be located in Wisconsin.
This one CANNOT be said enough. Bob Barker was right. Please, please, please Badger fans listen to this sign. But take it a step beyond the sign's suggestions and include yourself in this neuterfest. The world needs less Badger fans and this is one of the best ways to accomplish that feat. Now you may not agree that you should neuter yourselves and that's fine I guess, but if you don't do it someone else will. I'm sure most Badger fans won't do their civic duty and get the job done. Because of this, I call on all non-Badger fans to help out this cause. Badger fans are a scourge on an otherwise wonderful society and they need to be dealt with accordingly. If you see a Badger fan roaming the street, hit him over the head with the empty whiskey bottle he's carrying and bring him to the local clinic/hospital to get the job done. You will be doing your town, state and country a wonderful public service.

Yeah I stole this one from Minnesota. Who cares? Wisconsin sucks and this picture sums it up perfectly. There is absolutely nothing good about the state or the people. Every single solitary thing about it sucks. California has better cows and cheese. Beer sucks. Deer are scared. Their mascot is totally lame. Seriously, why doesn't bucky have a neck? Who the hell designed that thing? It's absolutely freaking lame. You need to have a freaking neck on the damn thing. It's already stupid enough just for the fact that it's Wisconsin's mascot but then you don't even give it a neck? Wow. Just wow. That by itself makes Bucky one of the worst mascots in the country.

Turkey Registration? Seriously? Why? And where exactly is it? That building looks like it should have been condemned 10 years ago and they are having turkey registration in it? Turkey is absolutely horrible. I hate it. Every Thanksgiving, this damn bird is served and everyone is supposed to eat it. Well I have a major problem with this. The real problem is that all this food is made and then it sits out to become lukewarm to cold. Who the hell wants that? How about we eat the damn food when it's hot? Wasn't that the point of cooking it? Well then why the hell are we letting it sit around for half an hour beforehand? The turkey is dried out and nasty, the mashed potatoes are cold and clumpy, the gravy has that icky "soup skin" on it and the entire meal is ruined. Seriously WTF? The only saving grace is pecan pie. And that brings me to another problem, why do people like pumpkin pie? Absolutely horrible. It looks like baby shit. Screw that. Turkey Registration, turkey, cold mashed potatoes, skinned over gravy and pumpkin pie all suck.

If only Cheeseheads could read. This sign would help them all immensely. Sadly, they cannot read unless they are at a hockey game and following the directions of a senile old man holding up stupid signs. Even then, they can only do one word at a time. It really is quite pathetic how stupid Cheeseheads are. There are small children in third word countries who have never been to a day of school in their life that can put together more coherent sentences than your average Badger fan.

If this doesn't describe the typical Badger fan perfectly, I don't know what does. They are slow, stupid and worthless. This is why the neuterfest is necessary. If we don't do it, no one will and then we'll have a true disaster on our hands. Do we really want slow, dumb, illiterate, neckless children running around? I certainly don't and I doubt you do either. So we really all need to band together and work toward this common goal of eliminating Badger fans in the next few generations. If we don't, who knows what horrible sorts of things could occur.

Remember your equations for the test kids:
Dany Heatley+Car+Pillar=Trouble

Mankato. What a dump

2008-10-19T16:16:00.015-05:00

Mankato, while a completely horrible and sucky town filled in hicks and losers, actually had a few awesome things. But other then these few things Mankato is still the absolute garbage pit of a stinktown that I so unfoundly remember from five years ago.

Star # 3 goes to the free parking that I obtained on Friday night. Parking for the game was only $3, but we got there when they were setting crap up so we just pulled in and got free parking. SCORE! Sadly this was not recreated on Saturday night because certain people in our party did not seem to care if we arrived in Mankato early enough to get free parking. While this is typically OK, this lack of caring had a very large consequence. We did not get to go to fucking Candyland! This made me incredibly sad as it would have made you incredibly sad. Candyland had 80 differerent flavors of licorice. Candyland had 22 kinds of root beer. Candyland had pumpkins. Candyland had caramel apples. Candyland appeared to have every damn thing you could ever imagine. In short, Candyland was the shit. And this was just my impression from the road driving by. How incredibly wonderfully awesome would it have been if we had actually stopped? The answer to that question will never be known.

Star #2 goes to the incompetence that is Mankato Zamboni Drivers. On Friday night the moron Zamboni driver managed to completely screw up and dropped a big old load of snow on the ice, as you can see in the far left of the picture. The moron then killed the Zamboni and needed a guy to help push him off the ice since he is a completely talentless douche bag. After Douche Bag managed to get his dumb ass off the ice, the other Zamboni came by and picked up all the snow the Douche Bag dumped all over the ice. This guy obviously also sucked at his job because soon after he did this, ice and snow started shooting out of the top of his Zamboni.

Throughout the weekend I watched both of these toolbags when they came out. Another problem is that these idiots always back out onto the ice. This makes absolutely no sense. No where else do is this done. Are they just idiots at Mankato or what? Zamboni #1 backs out, at like 35 MPH, onto the ice and starts going around. Then Zamboni #2 comes out doing the same thing. When they are almost finished Zamboni #1 leaves the ice followed by Zamboni #2. When the next intermission rolls around, Zamboni #1 comes out again followed by Zamboni #2. This can mean only one thing, they have room to rearrange the Zamonis so #1 always comes out first. So the question that begs to be asked is: If they can do this, why can't they drive out onto the ice the correct way? It is quite amazing how the Zamboni guys in Mankato are completely talentless ass clowns. Is it a requirement to of suffered a traumatic brain injury to be a Zamboni driver at the Alltel Center? No other arena I've been to has the problems the morons in Mankato do. Just another reason why Mankato does suck. Though their idiocy is entertaining to me so this one kind of cancels out.

Star #1 goes to the blind, drunk dancing old lady who sat in front of us Friday night. Actually Star #1-#15 goes to this lady. She was freaking hillariously awesome. What did she do you ask? What didn't she do is the better question. She embarrassed her grandchildren. She tried giving away her popcorn to everyone within two rows. She asked the guy sitting next to her wearing a Gopher hoodie if he played for the Gophers. She used binoculars from the 5th row. She proudly proclaimed "I'm legally blind!!!". After stating my displeasure for the game going on and idea that we go to the SCSU-Minnesota game the next night, she told me "You better go to the Gopher-Huskies game [on Saturday]". She kept turning around and talking to the lady next to me about how nice Edina was. And she was completely shitfaced.

This lady was plain and simple awesome. Sadly I did not think to take a picture of her. I have no idea why I didn't think of this and I deserve an epic fail for this. I was feeling quite ashamed of myself when I realized the opportunity I had missed. I quickly cheered myself up though when I realized that in a relatively short period of time I was going to be able to leave what can only be termed "The Wisconsin of Cities", Mankato. This was a quick and immediate cure for the melancholy I was experiencing.

Hopefully a few more good things like this will happen the next time I visit Mankato because without these few glimmers of hope Mankato can only drive one to consider the perks of a life of meth addiction.

IT'S ALL OVER PEOPLE!!!

2008-10-12T10:06:00.004-05:00

Sioux Fan Sells Out

2008-10-07T19:22:00.014-05:00

UND goes to Boston this weekend to play the Icebreaker Tournament where they'll play Boston University and Massachusetts. At this point I would typically say all sorts of bad things about BU and/or Massachusetts. Either the team itself or some players. This week is different though. I have nothing bad to say about either school or any of their players. Instead I'm going to focus on a *ahem* "Sioux fan". Not just any "Sioux fan" mind you, but a Benedict Arnold of a "Sioux fan." His name is Brandon Geist and he's a fucking traitor.

The picture above is Brandon and as you can see he appears to be a Sioux fan given he is wearing a Sioux jersey and hat. And, at least to my understanding, he is a Sioux fan and has been since 1999. All appears well and good. That is until you see the dark side of Brandon Geist. For Brandon has been living a double life. While he randomly appears at hockey games wearing Sioux clothing, he appears quite different when he isn't at hockey games. Because of this I have begun to call him The Traitor.

If you notice in the picture to the left we have The Traitor and his girlfriend. Her face has been blacked out to protect the innocent, kind of like in Cops except she isn't a white trash criminal. She's really done nothing wrong and therefore does not deserve to be dragged through the mud. She is however necessary to be in a picture with The Traitor. As you can see she is wearing a Boston University jacket. OK, maybe you can't clearly see that but just trust me, she is. She is also a graduate of Boston University. Brandon it appears has sold out. He's willing to consort with the enemy with little to no regard for his University of North Dakota Sioux fandom and I find it sad.

In 2003 Brandon camped out (and drank heavily) for three days in order to obtain season tickets for Fighting Sioux Hockey. He was the epitome of a Fighting Sioux hockey fan. That has all seemed to change though. Now he is willing to wear the colors of Boston University. Now you can argue that was not his plan when he put that ugly shirt on the day this picture was taken, but does it really matter. It is still the colors of Boston University and Cheesehead Nation. This is unacceptable. This is why he is The Traitor. He has no regard for others, all that matters to him is him.

I say how dare he! It is a privledge to be a fan of the Fighting Sioux and The Traitor doesn't even care. He takes it for granted. I also say that until The Traitor apologizes, he be kicked out of Fighting Sioux Fandom. So Brandon, this weekend feel free to show your true colors. There is no longer any need to hide them. Wear a Terrier jersey and worship the ground that grumpy old fart Jack "Man of Many Jackets" Parker walks on. We don't need you. We don't want you. If you apologize, we will welcome you back with open arms. Until then though, go suck an egg.

Protesters are Wrong

2008-10-06T12:10:00.019-05:00

Once again there was a protest at a Sioux hockey game. This time the protest was about REA decision to hang the Tribal Flags (username: railbox@bugmenot.com password: goaway) of the Standing Rock and Spirit Lake Reservations. The Herald was nice enough to pad the number of protesters there actually were in the article. It was nowhere near 40, there were 17 or 18. I counted them. Meanwhile, there were at least the same number of Native Americans standing in the lobby a hour and a half before the game started and upwards of 100 Native Americans that came to REA for the ceremony. Maybe it's just me, but when Michael Eshkibok says “I have a tendency to believe most people are supportive of what we’re doing, people have good hearts”, I have a tendency to believe most people aren't supportive of what you're doing.

This is the first protest that truly pissed me off as it is absolutely ridiculous. Hanging flags is disrespectful? Seriously? That is just dumbfounding. By this line of thinking, the UN disrespects all of it's member nations by having their flags hung.

“I came out here to be with this group of people,” said Karen GreyEyes, a Spirit Lake elder, as she gestured to her fellow protesters from under her umbrella. “I have not yet been in the Ralph Engelstad Arena. I refuse.”

Just wonderful. Wonderful indeed.

So you want REA to change their stance, but you refuse to meet with them in an attempt to meet this goal. Brilliant.

One man held a sign that read “REA MONEY EQUALS IGNORANCE.” He pointed to it and said, “That’s what this is all about.”

What does that even mean?

That since REA doesn't agree with your particular view point, they are ignorant? That seems rather self-important.
That since REA has money, they refuse to try to understand anything about Native Americans? This is stupid to begin with but assuming it's true, would not having Native Americans come to REA and perform the ceremony that they did help educate people?
You just don't like REA and therefore do not like anything they do? This seems the most likely to me. No matter what REA and/or will do or does, this gentleman will find fault with it.

“We’re trying to make a statement about the conduct of the REA,” said protester and UND staff member Judy Rieke. “Every time they do something like this, it hurts the students.”

Really? Having a flag dedication ceremony hurts students? How? That is just asinine.

No really, explain how this hurts students. I mean it. How does showing a part of Native American culture and allowing Native Americans to speak on their history hurt students?
How does allowing Native Americans to voice their support of the Sioux nickname hurts students?
How does allowing people who do not agree with you the chance to speak hurt students?
I realize Judy will never read this and if she did, she'd ignore it but still. Give me a break Judy. You obviously are just like the first gentleman and refuse to see anything good. Since you don't agree with the idea of the Sioux name, nothing can ever be done in good faith. You're a bullheaded cynic who demands everyone agree with your point of view while at the same time refusing to listen to anyone else.

“Liz and I have always been against the Fighting Sioux name and logo,” Chelsey [Luger] said. “As native people growing up in Grand Forks, we’ve always dealt with the issue.”

“It’s clear that that level of respect is not there in this community," she said

Awesome. Just throw out a general statement and don't back it up at all.

Why are people allowed to say things like this and be given any credibility at all? How is it clear? What level of respect? What proof is there? These things are always said and when pushed, the response is usually something that happened in the 1970's or "The name makes people unfortable".
Just because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn't mean they don't respect you.
Just because you want respect, doesn't mean you deserve respect. You earn respect, you aren't just given it because demand it.

Here is a letter to the editor from Chelsey to the Dakota Student. What irritates me the most is this:

We recently learned about the Ralph Engelstad Arena's latest plan to publicly disrespect and exploit Native people under a façade of cultural consideration: the "Unveiling of the Tribal Flags Ceremony."

The REA will be holding this "ceremony" prior to a UND exhibition hockey game on October 5th. The ceremony consists of flag presentations, a history reading, and honor songs: all of which will be performed by members of both the Sp[i]rit Lake and Standing Rock Nations.

How by allowing members of both the Spirit Lake and Stand Rock Nations to perform history reading and honor songs REA did "disrespect and exploit Native people"?
It seems to me that they don't. Once again it comes back to Chelsey not liking the nickname and therefore she'll blindly disapprove of anything UND or REA do.
No matter what is done, no matter how much it can or does benefit Native Americans, Chelsey will complain and find fault.
Chelsey's personal beliefs trump and are of greater importance than anything else. What she thinks is all that matters. If something can benefit Native Americans but is not lock step with her beliefs, it can not be allowed because she does not approve.
Absolutely ridiculous. The world does not revolve around you. Sometimes people and organizations who you do not agree with manage to do good things. To immediately dismiss these things and charge them with ulterior motives shows how closed minded you truly are, Chelsey. Once again I'm sure Chelsey won't read this, but I don't really care.

I hope this protest had nothing to do with the ceremony and instead was just another "Change the Name" protest. It does not seem probable though. Instead this protest was exactly about the ceremony and their disapproval of it. Something that from an outside perspective is a nice and gracious thing to do, is viewed by these protesters as an exploitative and dishonorable event. Since the protesters didn't give their expressed permission and blessing, it's wrong. The problem with this is:

If asked for permission or blessing, they would have said no.
If REA did nothing, the protesters would complain about how dishonorable REA is and how it is exploiting Native Americans by not doing things to honor Native Americans.
So according to the protesters attempting to honor Native Americans is wrong and not attempting to honor Native Americans is wrong. That makes no sense at all.

Jess Myers: World's Stupidest Columnist or Just Insane?

2008-10-03T13:32:00.010-05:00

Today, in an absolutely catastrophic event Jess Myers picked UND to finish in 7th place in the WCHA. This is no doubt the greatest mistake since the French implementation of the Maginot Line. I, being a fan of UND, do not know if I will ever recover from this. The very idea that someone can even fathom the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux not finishing with home ice advantage is a foreign concept to me. I mean, how can this be? As if this isn't enough; this Jess Myers character, if that is even his real name, taunts, flaunts and besmirches UND fans about picking UND in 7th place! I don't think Jess Myers is his real name, I think his real name is Fuzzy McStinkypants and that is what I am going to call him from now on. How dare he? HOW DARE FUZZY McSTINKYPANTS? Doesn't he know who we are? He should immediately be fired from INCH for being so stupid. Anyone who thinks UND will finish in 7th place in the WCHA obviously doesn't even know how to skate. I bet he hasn't even seen UND play because if he had he would pick them to finish 3rd place at worst and even that is borderline insane.

Just to prove Fuzzy McStinkypants wrong, I'll give you reasons why UND will win games this year. The Sioux have a Hobey Baker winner! That by itself is worth at least 20 wins. They also have a guy who is really tall for a hockey player. That's worth three wins. They play in the best arena in the country, Ralph Engelstad Arena. Five wins. REA has escalators. Two wins. On the road the Sioux wear "Swift" jerseys. This allows them to skate at supersonic speeds. Seven wins wins. The huge arse hot tub at REA is worth at least six wins. They have three assistant captains and each assistant captain is worth one win. If you total this all up, UND will win no less than 46 wins. As you can see, with all these wins there is no way UND will finish in 7th place in the WCHA.

With these indisputable facts on my side, I will be awaiting Fuzzy McStinkypants apology for questioning North Dakota. He should know by now that it is not allowed.

Lamoureux vs. Lamoureux: A (Exhibition) Battle to the Death

2008-09-28T00:35:00.007-05:00

In my time watching college hockey I've learned a few things:

Alaska-Anchorage will never be good.
Mankato State frequently changes their name.
Mitch Lake is creepy.
Jesus Hates Wisconsin.
SCSU fans like to whine.
Miami is the most overrated team in the country.
On Saturday's UND reuses popcorn from Friday night. They carry the old popcorn to the various concession stands in garbage bags. EWWWWW!
Canadian University teams are typically made up of older players who suck too much to play professionally but stubbornly refuse to stop playing hockey. They are also a bunch of goons.

UND has their annual game against Manitoba next Sunday and this last point seems to once again be true. The Bisons (I still don't get that. Bisons? Really? Horrible Grammar.) are likely filled with talentless goons, not the least of which is Pierre-Paul Lamoureux (from now on referred to as PPL because his name is WAY too many letters to type every time). PPL just happens to be the brother of former UND goaltender Jean-Phillipe Lamoureux and current UND freshman Mario Lamoureux. PPL is a freshman, or whatever the equivalent is in the weird Canadian University system. Canada refuses to use this terminology because, well I don't know why. For the hell of it perhaps. I think PPL is one of the few non-Canadian players to play in the CIS, the Canadian version of the NCAA. Tommy Mannino, the cousin of former Denver goalie Peter Mannino, is the only other American I found in my thorough research of the Canada West Conference. What is with Americans playing in the CIS being relatives of former WCHA goalies? That's just weird. Since leaving Grand Forks Central, PPL has the following stats:

281 GP, 6 Goals, 26 Assists, 683 PIM.

Judging from these stats and his team picture, he'll fit right in with the rest of the Manitoba twits. He's been in 35 fights in the last four years according to Hockeyfights.com and it seems he sucks at it. This opinion is backed up by this and this. I love the caption for the second video, "Pierre Paul doing what he does best..". What exactly does he do best? Get his ass kicked in fights? Despite obvious lack of skill, he will likely attempt to start a Primeau Brothers style fight with Mario. If he succeeds at this, he will no doubt get his lunch handed to him. Heck, I bet his twin sisters can even beat up him up. That's probably why he left Grand Forks in the first place; he was tired of Jocelyne and Monique beating him up.

Speaking of total losers, Calin Wild is a complete doofus. He is doing a blog on Manitoba's season. Why is the first thing he talks about the remodeling of the locker room? And why does he sound so fruity talking about it? He's so excited about the new paint job that he's going to hang around the locker room more often now? Really? What's he going to do? Stand there and admire the walls? It sounds like this guy needs a hobby. Maybe if instead of admiring jerseys and feeling up carpet Calin practiced more, he wouldn't be playing for a crap CIS team. Maybe he could be playing in the ECHL. The rest of his blog is a complete bore and not worthy of mention other than if he loves the coldtub, why doesn't he marry it?

In yet another epic failure, what is with Manitoba's roster page? Is their webmaster some obese guy who spends his entire day sticking his stubby fingers into a Pringles can trying to get the crumbs out of the bottom? Sure I have all sorts of errors on this blog, but I'm not running an......Holy crap! I'm watching Talk Show with Spike Fernstein on Fox and Kevin Farley is a guest. Does he look just like his brother or what? That's freaking amazing......... University Website. Why is there no consistency with listing the player's hometown? Some list town, province and country while others only list the town. What the heck? Come on, it's really not that tough to have the same format for all the hometowns. Why is listing the country even neccessary? Other than for PPL, it seems like a complete waste of time. And why isn't there a team picture at the top? There is obviously a place for it with that big black square. If the team picture hasn't been taken yet, leave that part off the website. It looks totally bush league to have it. Finally, why do they spell it center? They are spelling it defence, so why aren't they spelling it centre?

Why isn't Manitoba updating their webpage to clear off old players? As you can see Krister Toews is shown as a random player. The problem is that Toews signed with the Manitoba Moose this summer. This is ridiculous. Take a little pride in your school and their website. Make it accurate. It really isn't that difficult. You know who I blame for all of this? Chris Zuk. Last year he did a pathetic job of putting together the season preview as it was littered with spelling mistakes and random boldings, so it really isn't that much of a surprise that he is behind the laziness that is Manitoba's webpage. Zuk is being just as lazy as the webmaster. If he put any effort at all into or gave one damn about his job, things could actually be done competently. Instead Manitoba's website sucks, updates suck, previews suck, every thing sucks. This clown needs to be fired.

The Bisons are still a crappy team, going 15-20-2 last year and finishing 4th place in Canada West. It'd be nice if Manitoba would become a good team at some point as it get boring playing them every year when they are so crappy. On the plus side for Manitoba, season tickets are once again pretty damn cheap. $100! They are only $75 if you take advantage of the Early Bird Special. Awesome! And that's for every sport. This is pretty much the only thing about Manitoba that is worth snot.

The only hope I have for this game is that in the first period Aaron Walski and/or Brad Eidness manages to save more than 1/3 of the shots he faces. Other than that, I don't really care too much as UND will almost definitely win and the game doesn't even matter.

Pre-Entrepreneurship. Is It A Real Major?

2008-09-24T17:50:00.008-05:00

Brad Eidness and Graeme Harrington both have Pre-Entrepreneurship listed as their major. dubz, whoever the hell that is, has asked me to investigate this major to find out if this is actually even a real major. dubz it seems is completely unwilling to do even the smallest amount of detective work to answer this question for himself. He is however willing to make conspiracy theory level conjecture on what exactly Pre-Entrepreneurship is. To quote our friend dubz:

Is [Pre-Entrepreneurship] sort of like "I haven't quite built an independently wealthy-massive-casino-Nazi-racist mascot fortune like Englestad...yet?"

Ummm, no dubz. That's just plain stupid. It doesn't even make sense. I sincerely hope he didn't spend too much time thinking up that idea. I do need to congratulate dubz on not knowing how to spell Engelstad. Spelling the name of the guy he was making fun of correctly might have added some credence to his theory. As it is though, it's just a sad seven year old joke. I won't hold it against him though as he probably doesn't know any better. Heck he was so lost on what Pre-Entrepreneurship was that he asked me for help. When was that ever a good idea? Since dubz was obviously a few fries short of a Happy Meal, I figured I'd help him out, so here we go.

Pre-Entrepreneurship is actually much like Pre-Law, Pre-Med, Pre-WhateverTheHellTheMajorIs. You pass all these stupid classes and then get accepted into the program. So the real question here is what is entrepreneurship? From my brief investigation entrepreneurship appears to be a major for people who want to learn how to scam others out of their money. All you have to do is come up with lamebrain ideas and then sell them to the sucker public. I'm not really sure why you'd need to major in this though. It's obvious. People are freaking stupid. It's a fact of life. I don't need to go to school to learn this, I just need to open my eyes. I mean just look at all the stupid things people buy.

One of the worst things is this damn "Buy food in 100 Calorie packages!" This is complete and utter bullshit. Essentially what is happening is you are paying more money for the privilege of getting less food in a cute little package. People are way too stupid to realize this though because they are fucking lemmings. Since all their friends are doing it, they need to do it too. So they go out and buy this crap, paying twice as much for it in the stupid 100 Calorie packaging as they would have if they would have just bought it in normal packaging.

So dubz, to answer your question, entrepreneurship is pretty much taking advantage of the infinite stupidity of the American public. In other words, taking advantage of people like you.

Freshman Taunting

2008-09-15T17:19:00.008-05:00

After nearly a six month hiatus, it's time for me to make a long awaited post. Since there were no (reported) arrests of UND players this summer, it's been kind of boring. I was really hoping that Joe Finley would have fought a polar bear after breaking into the Cincinnati Zoo or, despite it being July, an alumni like Ed Belfour would singlehandedly ruin Oktoberfest in Dusseldorf. Alas, neither of those things happened and instead I was left bored out of my mind. Being so bored you would have thought I would have come up with ideas for this blog. You'd be wrong though. So instead of having a great new blog entry with a brilliantly sophisticated premise, I'm going to make fun of the freshman again. It's something I'm good at so I'm going with it. This year, they are back to wearing suits and ties. That's a major step up from last year where it looked like schmucks in their under armor shirts.

Corey Fienhage hails from the great city of Apple Valley, home of Karl Goehring. Corey appears to have a lazy eye, like Stuart Scott. Hopefully this doesn't effect his play on the ice and much more importantly doesn't make him an annoying sack of donkey crap, like Stuart Scott.

Mario Lamoureux It's Phil Kessel! With two balls! I wonder if he'll hyphenate his name too. It'd be especially cool if he was Mario-Luigi.

Jason Gregoire is a great person because he told Denver to screw off and decided to come to UND. Due to this he can murder puppies and punch nuns in the face for all I care. He is a great person. I am considering voting for him for president. He is that awesome. Sure he's Canadian and like 18, therefore completely ineligible, but that's ok. He's still better than Grandpa POW or Hockey Mom.

I hope David Toews is like Chay Genoway and tells everyone that they've been pronouncing his name wrong. Seriously, how can it be pronounced taves? That doesn't even make sense. I was looking at David's picture and for some reason his tie looked familiar so I did some Sherlock Holmes investigating (i.e. looked on Google) to try to figure out why it seemed so familiar. That's Jonathon's tie! First we had T.J. Oshie and Robbie Bina sharing a tie a couple years ago, now David is using Jonathon tie. What is with this Sioux hockey tie sharing thing?

Ben Blood. Most. Awesome. Name. Ever. You sir, Ben Blood are not being made fun of because your name is AWESOME.

Brett Hextall Holy Haircut Batman! I truly hope Brett is like his dad and just goes crazy once in his UND career. It'd be great if he went "Reed Larson" on Don Adam.

Brad Eidness Goalies are supposed to be exciting. Or at least total freaks. Eidness looks to be completely boring though.

Graeme Harrington appears to be carrying on the tradition started by Matt Frattin last year and appears stoned/drunk. He also appears to be wearing a tie he stole off a hobo. Again this tie theme. Either guys refuse to get their own tie or they wear an incredibly cheap looking one. I wouldn't doubt it if Graeme's tie is actually a clip on. Graeme is a messed up spelling too. Doesn't even make sense.

Wahooo!!!

2008-04-08T19:39:00.005-05:00

For years my awesomeness has been ignored and taken for granted. Only once before, when I was five and won the best hockey player in East Grand Forks award, had my brilliance been truly recognized. Then on Friday, April 4 2008 at 9:23 P.M. it all changed. Everyone needs to remember exactly where they were and exactly what they were doing because that date will be this generation's moon landing. Your grandchildren will be asking you about it and what it was like to live through such a historic moment. History books will remove the section about the Berlin Wall falling and replace it with what happened on this date. If you don't know what happened, I truly feel for you. You have lived four entire days in sheer ignorance.

That is why you're here though, to educate yourself on a historic moment in human history. Finally someone came to the realization of how awesome and hot I was. That someone was Runninwiththedogs. I was named the Blogger Hottie of the Year. It's nice to know that Affirmative Action didn't come into play like it did last year and that a deserving winner was named.

Besides me, out of all the people who blog about college hockey, RWD seems to be the only one who has a brain. You could all learn much from her. Maybe instead of writing stupid entries about WCHA whiners, what the Philadelphia Phantoms are doing, making horribly dubbed video documentaries about players who leave, asking people what they think about the new background on your blog or stalking the "criminals" of college hockey, you should take after her or I. Maybe then your blogs would be worth reading. Doubtful though.

Michigan Tech Volume III

2008-03-13T09:39:00.004-05:00

Once again I have found more dorks that attend Michigan Tech. I'm pretty sure this picture is from the Bash at the Big House from a few years ago when the Tech football team played Grand Valley State at the Big House aka Michigan's stadium. They of course got absolutely smoked because Michigan Tech sucks. I can't really taunt most of the Techies in this picture, but there is one that I can completely rip on. That is this stupid kid wearing scuba goggles. What a freaking loser. Her(?) only job appears to be to push around a guitar amp on a dolly. Wow. Really? That is one pathetic job. Even MEg was in charge of smashing cymbals together. If she can manage to do something, I would think this "chick" could too.

This is a picture of Tech's first ROTC officer type guys in 1928. I have nothing against these guys, mainly because I don't want them to come out of their graves and beat me to death. I do want to make a couple points about these guys though. I absolutely love those pants and want a pair. They are absolutely awesome. The guy from second to the right has quite the impressive mustache too. That had to do his momma proud. Also the shorter guy that is in the middle of the picture is named DeWitt. What an awesome name!

Now onto what people are actually here for. Taunting the Michigan Tech Paintball team. In order from left to right:

Guy #1 - Why are you wearing a camouflage headband? I'm pretty sure your butt ugly bright gold shirt will give you away to anyone. Wearing that headband really isn't going to help you at all in playing your stupid little "sport", life or anything else. Take that stupid thing off. Even Guy #2 thinks you look like a moron hence the dopey sneer on his face.

Guy #2 - I love the sneer. I also love the fact that you didn't even bother to put on any special equipment. Nope, you just got up the morning this picture was taken, ate a box of a dozen donuts and put on a t-shirt that says something in Japanese. Sure there is the supposed English translation below it, but how do you know that's the actual translation? What if it actually says "I'm moron American who thinks I'm clever by wearing a shirt with Japanese writing on it. Oh and I like eating donuts out of a box."? I love the pink plaid on your pants. I'm not sure what it is, but it's sweet. Pink is an awesome color. That's your only redeeming quality.

Guy #3 - You appear to have take a tie out of your dad's closet and put it around your head. Way to wear a blue shirt too. Boy, you won't stand out at all while playing your little game. Your back is to the camera though, so I can't comment too much more on you. You are no doubt a major dork though because you play paintball.

Guy #4 & #5 - You're both boring. I don't care about either of you.

Guy #6 - You look extremely bored. I don't blame you either. Paintball stinks. It's stupid and I would want to hit myself over the head with a hammer if I was forced to participate in it. I'm guessing you have the same thoughts. You are thinking about the best way to knock yourself out with a hammer.

Sioux in Two cause Huskies eat Pooh

UMD Part II

2008-03-03T17:42:00.010-06:00

So UND swept UMD just like I said they would. Big deal, it was expected. What wasn't expected was the goonery displayed by the Bullpups. Awesome job kneeing Duncan on Saturday because you were losing and suck at offense. Then awesome job with the Check from Behind on Genoway on Sunday.

If there was one utterly awesome thing about Duluth, it was staying at the Radisson Hotel and discovering the wonders of the Sleep by Numbers bed. This hotel is way too far from the DECC to walk, but the bed is freaking awesome. By far the most awesomest bed ever. The pillows were awesome too. The best part about this all though was the little towel looking thing on the end of the bed. I forget what it is called and I'm pretty sure it doesn't serve any purpose, but it is high class all the way.

The drawback was as I said the length we had to walk to the games. I swear to God, I nearly died. It was like trying to climb Mount Everest. That is where the next thing would come in oh so handy. While walking to the game yesterday, Sunday, I saw a guy who had the right idea. He had these walking stick type thingies. They were totally sweet and I wanted them. I strongly considered jumping him and stealing them, but I decided against it. While they looked completely awesome, this guy looked like a complete dork using them. I didn't want to risk being that dork, so I let this guy be and keep his sticky thing-a-ma-bobs.

Now to discuss the real problems. UMD Chancellor Martin has gone beyond being just my mortal enemy. She is now and forever will be burned into my memory as the worst person since Vlad the Impaler. Here she is pictured with someone who nearly matches her stupidity and idiocy, but not quite. I have previously given my thoughts on this stupid woman and how she was no doubt the driving force behind making this a Saturday-Sunday series, but it ended up being even worse than I thought it could be. The weather was absolutely horrible on the drive back last night. Had this series been Friday-Saturday like it should have been, we would have easily made it back to Fargo as the weather was OK in the morning and afternoon. But no, the games had to be at stupid arse times and therefore I had to drive through absolutely craptacular weather. I hate Kathryn Martin with an undying passion. I could have died or been severely injured because of this stupid bitch. The roads were horrible with ice, freezing rain and blowing snow all over the place. This goddamn cunt needs to be stopped. Duluth students need to somehow get rid of her. Rosie O'Donnell is a better person than Kathryn Martin.

As I said already, the roads driving back last night were really crappy. There was one idiot that truely sticks out in my mind. I was about 20 minutes outside of Duluth and driving at or nearly close to the speed limit despite the weather. I was not going fast enough though for one particular douchebag. This freaking idiot decided that it would be a good idea to pass me on the fucking shoulder of the road. Seriously, how stupid are some people? Was this kid a botched abortion? Can there be any other explanation for this dipshit? Who the hell tries passing on the freaking shoulder in perfect weather, much less horrible weather? I was simply dumbfounded. About a minute after passing me, he cut in front of some other people who were about 500 feet in front of me. Sadly, I don't think this waste of his father's sperm crashed his car and/or died as a result of his own stupidity. That is really unfortunate.

Finally, I'd like to point out the person who I went to Duluth with forgot the most important thing there is when you go to Duluth. Your I.D. This left me very sad and very disappointed. I wanted to go to Grandma's but didn't get to. Some times life just isn't fair.

Duluth. Can it be sold to Wisconsin?

2008-02-24T22:12:00.027-06:00

The University of Minnesota-Duluth, like so many other schools, is completely unoriginal when it comes to their nickname. Nearly 40 schools in the U.S. have the nickname of Bulldogs. I wondered why so many schools chose this nickname, so I decided to do what I do best, worthless research on the Internet. I figured that somewhere there had to be something to shed some light on this mystery. This is the description of a Bulldog that I got off of a website. I've colored the important parts:

"It usually gets along well with other animals, is particularly fond of children, and does best indoors. Highly spirited as a puppy, the English Bulldog grows up to be a calm adult. The breed prefers not to exercise, can easily overheat, and is prone to drooling and snoring. "

In other words, it's the dog version of Drunk Hockey Guy.

About this time in my research, I decided I really didn't care. Who gives a damn about why some crappy satellite school chose their nickname? Who cares if the only cool bulldog ever was Spike on Tom & Jerry? Sure Spike was an absolutely awesome character and it was cute how he bonded with his son, Tyke, but that really doesn't have much to do with anything. So enough of this silliness, on to the actual games or at least something that is semi-related to the games.

I am a bit annoyed that this is a Saturday-Sunday series rather than a normal Friday-Saturday series. I'm going to have to drive back on Sunday night after the game and that totally sucks. Until this week I was OK with this happening though as I figured that the games were in the afternoon because of Section Finals hockey. This isn't true though. Instead these games are in the afternoon because of UMD women's hockey. Specifically the first round of the WCHA playoffs against Bemidji State. WTF Duck? Seriously? How freaking ridiculous. The women's team has had one home game, against Minnesota, where the attendance was over 1000 this year. Meanwhile, the smallest attendance for the men's team has been around 3600 people. This brings up why the hell this series is being forced to be played in the afternoon. I blame the bulldyke pictured to the left. She is UMD Chancellor Kathryn Martin and is my new mortal enemy. I know next to nothing about this woman other than that she once dumped water on the Ohio State University bench and that it appears she stole Sally Jesse Raphael's glasses, if not entire wardrobe. I don't really want to know anything about her either. She and her minions of morons suck. Just because she wants to watch women's hockey doesn't mean anyone else does. The women's games aren't going to be more highly attended just because they are at night or they are the playoffs. The main reason for this is because it is women's hockey and no one cares about women's hockey. The only thing that is going to happen is that less people will be at the UND-UMD games because they are at such stupid times. The fact that this troll-like woman is forcing her weird foibles upon everyone else is downright horrible and someone should overthrow this wretched harpy. If anyone has any ideas on how to accomplish this, I am all for it. I don't want to risk having another stupid Saturday-Sunday series again next year.

Sioux Sweep. I throw a broom on the ice.

Bemidji Beavers

2008-02-19T20:50:00.005-06:00

Ummmmm.......Bemidji State is a fun team to play. Mainly because I like them and like to see them do well I guess. I just wish this was a home and home series though because the John Glas Fieldhouse is just an awesome quasi-deathtrap of a hockey arena. Hopefully something exciting happens as I really don't have much of an opinion about this series. UND will win both games and Aaron Walski will finally be in the nets for the Sioux. Wow, how exciting. Hopefully the snooty lady who won both JPL's and Oshie's jerseys at the Saturday Denver game will be at these games. I'd like to see everyone taunt her again. That was awesome.

Murder Inc. Sweeps

Au revoir Pionniers

2008-02-10T22:23:00.000-06:00

Brock Trotter a récemment quitté les Pionniers de Denver. La question brûlante a été pourquoi. Cette question peut rester brûler pour l'éternité comme Denver est à la tête de l'entraîneur, George "le Dasher le Singe Dansant" Gwozdecky est resté la maman sur la question, en disant seulement des choses comme "Nous sommes vraiment heureux pour Brock et son opportunité avec les Canadiens de Montréal". Le pionnier attise l'appel que cela Gwoz-parle. Je l'appelle le cheval chie et la preuve que Gwozdecky est devenu une andouille sénile. Comme Sherlock Holmes dirait, le jeu est en marche.Quelque chose est en haut et que quelque chose est des tentatives faites pour étouffer l'affaire massives. Si cela être que le Trotteur courait autour de la plus grande région de Denver battant de vieilles dames, en volant des banques, en volant le bonbon des bébés ou en fumant simplement la mauvaise herbe avec RStarr et le reste des hippies de Gros caillou, quelque chose est arrivée.*

*This portion of the blog is in French as a courtesy to Les Habitant fans who may be looking for information on Brock Trotter. To be translated into English, please go here.

As long as I'm talking about the Dasher Monkey, did you realize he wrote a book on passing the puck? This thing wasn't a pamphlet either, it was 216 pages of what I can only guess was complete garbage. If you don't believe me, you can read a couple pages of it here. One plus is that they put Stevie Y on the cover plus you can get it on Ebay for $3.98!!! Still though, I'm not sure how there can be that much information on how to pass a puck. I can do it rather well and I suck at hockey. Seems to me that anyone who actually buys this book is just looking to throw their money away. I'm sure every Pioneer fan has at least two copies of this waste of trees, one that they can read when they are on the crapper and one that they have framed and hung in their bedroom/den/study. Luckily, there are only about 100 Denver fans total as evidenced by the noise that is heard at Magness Arena on a game night. The sad thing about all these Pioneer fans buying this book is that I don't think George actually had anything to do with. As you can see, there was a co-author on this book by the name of Vern Stenlund. I'm pretty sure Vern did all the writing while George just yelled obscenities. I could spend more time and delve further into this book, but it's really not worth itt.

Denver started the year off so well and looked to actually be a national title contender. Since the new year though they've seemed to go down the crapper. They lost to Air Force for the first time since 1980 which was 19 games. That had to be a true kick in the balls. After that they escaped with a win against Bemidji and then got swept by Mankato. Now they've lost Trotter and the spiral down the toilet seems to be continuing. On the plus side, even with their unstoppable downward spiral, it appears the Pioneers are almost guaranteed to make the NCAA's. This is an improvement over the last two years where they have choked their way out of the NCAA tournament and not even made the WCHA Final Five. That has to bring a smile to the Dasher Monkey's face after the choke job his boys have done lately.

Sioux Sweep

Gopher Heroes

2008-01-28T20:03:00.000-06:00

Kyle Okposo is a true Gopher Hero. He came to Marriucci and immediately had a positive impact. He along with Tyler "Crazy Legs" Hirsch lead Minnesota to 19-1-3 start. But then the wheels came off. That's of no concern though, Kyle was still a true Gopher Hero. As Gopher Sports says, Kyle has a "no quit" attitude, except evidently when it comes to playing for the Gophers.

Jeff Frazee is our next candidate for Gopher Herodom. A highly regarded goalie coming in to college, he had a very good first two seasons who consistantly stopped shots, as long as Johnathon Toews wasn't the shooter. Then the wheels started to come off. Jeff currently seems to be in a funk. He's having trouble stopping shots, whether they come from near or far at home or away.

Ryan Stoa is a darkhorse candidate for induction into the Gopher Hero inner circle. He sort of flies under the radar, but that doesn't mean he's any less of a hero. Like Frazee had a nice couple of seasons for the Gophers, getting at least one point in over half of his team's games his sophomore season. Then the wheels came off. In the second game of the season this, Stoa was clobbered by a Michigan player and severely injured his knee. He is now out for the year. Quite sad really, but should he recover and return he'll no doubt be the next addition to the Gopher Mural of Heroes.

If these three Gopher Heroes could play this weekend, Minnesota would roll over the Sioux on their way to like a 20 game winning streak and a National Championship. Sadly though none of them will be playing and the Gophers will be crushed. Sioux Sweep

Suze Hates Dirty

2008-01-22T17:23:00.000-06:00

The UAA poster known as Suze seems to have an undying hatred for me and I am not sure why. It seems to me that I'm a well meaning and overall swell guy. Yet Suze hates me with every last bone in her body. I am one of the few people on Suze's "Wall". I'm not really sure what this is or what it really means, but I choose to take it as an honor. I take it as meaning I am extra super special.

In an effort to uncover why Suze has an undying hatred for me, I was going to review the events that have lead to the current situation. A problem arose when I attempted to review these events though. I couldn't find these events. I seriously have no idea what I did exactly. I think it all started when I made fun of Chris "Alaska Fats" Fournier aka The Fournburglar. For some reason Suze didn't like that I called him a fat, lazy bum with a gambling problem. This was probably due to the fact that he was going to UAA at the time and he also happened to be an Anchorage native. Suze would soon learn the truth though as The Fournburglar would pull the same crap at UAA as he did at UND. In the end I was right, the guy was a loser. Did Suze apologize to me though? No, she just continued to hate me and if anything her hatred for me grew.

Sadly this is the only thing I remember about the Suze Hates Dirty saga. If anyone remembers anything else, feel free to share and I shall add it here.

There you go Suze. A blog entry devoted solely to you. Don't you feel special?

Alaska. Truly the Worst State in the Union.

2008-01-20T19:59:00.000-06:00

I don't feel like coming up with completely new writing for the UAA-UND series so I'm just going to post an extended version of reasons why Alaska sucks. There are a number of reasons why I don't feel like coming up with anything new, not the least of which is that Anchorage sucks even more than Mankato.

Reason #1
Your average UAA fan. Just look at that shirt. Just look at that tie or whatever it is. Just look at that sneer. Just look at those glasses. Heck just look at those eyes. That is downright scary. It disturbs me thoroughly.

Reason #2
Igloos. Who the hell would actually want to live in one of these things? What kind of moron wants to willing live in a big ice box? Only stupid Alaskans. Igloos are proof to how dumb people are. Thank God Alaska is way the hell up north and we normal people never have to deal with them.

Reason #3
Polar Bears. In those Coke commercials, they are all cute and cuddly and playing with penguins. The cute little baby polar bear offers to share his Coke with the baby penguin. AWWWWWWWW. How cute! Bull Shit. First of all penguins are way down south not way up north, but whatever. Second of all, the polar bear wouldn't offer to share his coke with the penguin. No, he'd bitch slap the penguin about 30 yards and then eat the little twerp. The point is polar bears are not nice. Polar Bears are BAMF and much like they'd eat cute little penguins, they would eat you in a second. Polar Bears hate you. They are bred to hate you and will forever hate you. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to go live somewhere where a huge ass animal that hates me, lives.

Reason #4
Wampas. I don't know where Wampas live or if they actually exist, but if they did they'd live in Alaska. As if polar bears aren't bad enough, Alaska has these guys roaming around destroying igloos and eating people. Look at this guy. He's got horns growing out of the side of his head. That's completely freaky. Especially since they seem to serve no purpose at all. Seriously, what are those things for? He looks like he's the devil's Arctic Circle Dwelling cousin.

Reason #5
The Alaskan "Highway". Just look at this pathetic thing. It is like some backwoods podunk operation that you'd expect to find in the mountains of Appalachia. It's probably got two lanes and isn't even paved. There appear to be a total of 8 roads in all of Alaska. 8. Stop reading this for a moment and ponder that. No wait, don't stop and ponder. Continue reading while I stop and ponder. 8 Roads. In the whole fucking state. 8. That is just dumbfounding, isn't it?

Reason #6
High Oil Prices. We all know it's because of stupid Alaskans and their dumbass pipeline. While we are paying up the ass for home heating oil and gas, these shitheads are being paid money. We are giving these cockgoblins money just for sitting around, picking their arses and living in Alaska. Here's an idea, screw paying them and lower the price of oil. Stupid motherfucking Alaskans.

Reason #7
Exxon Valdez. Way to kill all the otters and seals and shit you fucking assholes. They spill oil and shit all over the place and just generally destroy the environment. Who gives a fuck? I give a fuck is who gives a fuck. Goddamn Alaskan shiteating fucktards. I hate them all. Way to cause global warming. They all should rot in hell.

Reason #8
Seward's Folly. I can't find a picture of this. In fact I don't really even know what a picture of this would look like. So instead I have a picture of the Teapot Dome Scandal. Enjoy. If you don't know what either of these things are, tough shit. Look it up. You should have paid attention in school.

Reason #9
Sourdough. Most people ask the question "What's a Seawolf" I say the heck with that, it's been asked a million times and it's a stupid mythical creature or something. Who cares? The real question is why the hell was UAA nickname a type of bread before 1977? What was their mascot? A giant piece of French Bread? This is just horrible. Sourdough? Wow. Did they spend even five seconds coming up with this name? Geez. And I thought the Blooming Prairie Awesome Blossoms was a bad name.

Reason #10
The State Flag. It was designed by a 13-year old and it's the Big Dipper. First of all, no one could beat a 13-year old's drawing? Second of all, no one could beat a drawing of the Big Dipper? In all of Alaska? What kind of talentless morons are in that state? That is beyond pathetic. It's downright befuddling. This thing was adopted when Alaska was still a U.S. Territory. For a Territory, it still kind of sucks, but hey whatever. When Alaska became a state, though they could have shown a bit of pride and upgraded. Instead they stuck with this total P.O.S. It's an embarrassment to all of the United States. It does sum up the state rather well though. BTW, the kid who designed this was living in Seward at the time. If you ask me, this is the true Seward Folly.

Reason #11
John Hill. Alaska is so pathetic that UAA's coach left to go back to his old job of being an assistant at Minnesota. No one does that. Sure some coaches leave to become assistant coaches at a higher level, but coaches don't leave to become assistant coaches at a different school at the same level. Especially when they were already an assistant coach at that very same school. UAA proves to be the exception though. It is such a horrible state and horrible school that people leave it to take a lesser job. All I can say is wow. Then again it does make sense. Quality of life is just horrible in Alaska. Just ask Hill or his wife. That's why he left the 49th state. Not really surprising at all given all the reasons Alaska sucks. I'm not even sure life is worth living in Alaska.

Landcows = Losers

2008-01-19T10:44:00.000-06:00

UND played a decent game last night and managed actually win again. Quite amazing. Now if they could just stop hitting posts or passing up great shots for crappy shots, they might actually win again tonight. Also if they could avoid a craptacular 2nd period, that would be nice too. Then again even with UND's average play, they still won the game so really there should be nothing to worry about. As I've said before, Mankato is just a crap team. UND really doesn't have to play that great and they'll still win. Sure it's nice, but it's also not much of a challenge.

Mankato really should learn to stop running into the goalie/net if they want to score. Their own stupidity cost them two goals last nights because they can't seem to avoid running over goalies and/or nets. I really wouldn't think it would be that tough to do. Shoot puck. Don't hit goalie. I guess this is far too complicated of a concept for your average Landcow though. Heck Jutting doesn't even understand this as he was throwing a hissy fit after the disallowed goals. I guess if the leader of the team can't grasp the concept, you can't really expect anyone to. Speaking of far too complicated concepts for your average Landcow, does Trevor Bruess understand that you should at least try to throw one punch when you volunteer to fight a guy? Man did Rylan Kaip ever take him out behind the woodshed. Perhaps Bruess should stick to getting makeovers and having tea parties while leaving the fighting to real hockey players. This guy was so pathetic, Jordan Foote could take him in a fight.

Sioux Sweep tonight.

Purple Pansies Fans are Ignorant Idiots

2008-01-14T19:21:00.000-06:00

The huge series of UND-MSUM is nearly upon us. Upwards of twelve people are actually paying attention to this. Why? Because Minnesota State University Mankato sucks. It's a school that is of no relevance. This series seems like a complete bore to me. Mankato seems to have no fans at all. This isn't true, but there has been no talk about the games at all.

Where are their fans? Will they talk at all? Are they all too busy having self pity parties because Troy Jutting is still the coach? While I agree that the guy looks like troll, I'm not sure why Mankato fans are so dead set on getting rid of him. Their team sucks and that's just the way it is. It doesn't matter who their coach is, they'll still suck because they are a podunk school and they'll never be able to get the players to actually compete with good schools. Getting rid of the Rocky Dennis lookalike will make no real difference for Mankato. They are and forever will be a mediocre team at best.

Last year the highlight of this team's year was when Eric Means challenged Jon Campion to a fight. Seriously, how pathetic is this? When your school's biggest moment for the year was one of your assistant coaches challenging a referee to a fight, your school has some big problems. Even Mankato Super Alum Glen Taylor doesn't give a damn about this team. Not like it would really matter though. Contrary to popular belief of many Maverick fans, money won't solve this team's problems.

As I said, Mankato is a podunk school and players don't want to go there. Money won't change this. Nothing will change this. Maverick fans need to learn to accept this fact. Instead of constantly whining about Jutting, Mankato fans should be eternally grateful that they were actually allowed in the WCHA.

The Sioux are going to run over the Mavericks in this series. Mankato has no one worth snot and would be the laughingstock of the league if not for perennial whipping boy, UAA. The games won't be close in any way, shape or form. The games will no doubt end up getting out of hand. Therefore UND should probably just leave Oshie and Duncan at home so they don't risk getting injured by the hooking and hacking goons that comprise the Mavericks. This really would be for the best. UND obviously doesn't need Oshie or Duncan to beat the Mavericks, but they will need these two for games down the road. There is no need for any unnecessary risk and I truly hope Hakstol follows this advice. It would be horrible if UND's season went down the tubes because a bunch of talentless hacks took out UND's best players.

Michigan Tech Strikes Back: Dirty Doesn't Care

2008-01-07T21:45:00.000-06:00

So I went to Florida last week. I'm sure you all missed my crappy blog where I would have made fun of how horrible SCSU is. Luckily I got back in time to watch UND piss down their leg and lose on Friday. Boy that was fun. I'm really getting tired of UND needing to irritate me every weekend. I'm sure it will happen this weekend too as the Sioux take on the extra crappy Huskies from Michigan Tech.

If you need any further proof of how crappy Michigan Tech is, just go to this website. Just look at all the pathetic things on this site.

The kid in the back row who appears to think he is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with that stupid green bandanna he is wearing.
The moron who is wearing a Burger King crown or something closely resembling a Burger King crown. Seriously? Come on, at least put a little effort into it, sport. That thing obviously provides little to no protection. Why even wear it? What is the point?
The guy kneeling second from the right in the front row appears to have the tightest facial skin this side of Joan Rivers. Can he even smile?
Nice trophy the one kid is holding. I got a better trophy than that for participating in Punt, Pass and Kick in 3rd grade.
The pathetic fundraising efforts. As of 10 PM CST on January 7th, they have garnered $55 towards a goal of $7500. That is a whooping .7%. Wow. DHG has had a higher BAC than that.

As if this wasn't sad enough, look at the roster page.

Ummmm, why do Jason Kramer, Ben Waring and Jeremiah Wileman appear to be the same exact person complete with cut off date from their Senior Prom picture?
Matthew Pionk looks like a squirrel mated with Sebastian Bach.
Matt McCormick is the treasurer. So what exactly does he do? Make sure no one steals the $55 that they've raised? He does have 4 years of experience at guarding the money though. That's good. It's be a real shame if the fund raised dropped below .5% because Matt didn't have the proper experience and some scallywag was able to run off with some ill gotten booty.

While typing this entry, an interesting question was posed to me. I'm paraphrasing here but it went something like this......

Dear Dirty,

Is it that Tech Paintball "Team" or "Club".

Signed,

Anonymous Midget

Well first of all Anonymous Midget, thanks for asking this question because I know many of the readers of this blog were thinking the same thing but were just afraid to ask for fear of looking like a complete tool and/or a horribly stupid human being. Luckily for us all, you don't have that fear. So again, thanks. To answer your incredibly stupid question, I'm not exactly sure I would even call this group of complete dorks, a club. In fact, if I had to chose just one word to for them it would be Embarrassment.

It truly is amazing how many losers attend Michigan Tech. I have put about 5 minutes worth of research into the two blog entries I have done on Michigan Tech and yet I've found a variety of things that prove just how horrible the school is and what kind of losers attend the school.

I suck

2007-12-25T20:52:00.000-06:00

So, just like I said would eventually happen, I haven't updated this thing for a month and a half. Hell, I didn't even update it for the Gopher series. I am an incredibly lazy person.

UND has totally sucked all year. Because of this I'm beginning to think I should cheer for another team. Not having one freaking entry in almost two months has given me plenty of time to think about what other team I could cheer for, but ultimately wouldn't for various reason not the least of which is that I don't want to have to buy a bunch more jerseys. Actually, I do want to buy a bunch more jerseys, but it's a good easy excuse.

I could go with Michigan Tech, but then MeanEgirl would yell at me because Tech would lose even more than they usually do since I'm supposedly a curse or something. I think the real problem is that the Huskies completely suck, but hey what do I know? If it's my fault, I guess it's my fault.

I could go with Mankato only because Chris Clark is awesome. Other than that though, it would be a horrible decision. Mankato is a horrible town and I hate it. The arena sucks. They wear purple. There is not one other positive when it comes to the Landcows. Speaking of Landcows, I demand I get more credit for coming up with this term. People who don't properly credit me, i.e. everyone, suck.

There's Duluth. They suck at hockey too though. Plus I'm not even close to a big enough drunk to be a Bullpup fan.

SCSU....yeah. Sure. Fuck that.

The next team on the list is Wisconsin. Since Wisconsin is in Wisconsin, it's a definite no. As a Badger fan, I'd likely have to meet some moronic Packer fans. That would drive me to suicide. While that may make a whole bunch of people, it would make me dead and I don't feel like being dead quite yet.

UAA is in Alaska. That's a long ways away. I don't want to have to take a plane trip to go to any road series. So no to that too. Plus Seawolves aren't real. That's gay. Maybe if they were real, I'd be more prone to cheer for them, but since they are faker than Jenna Jameson's tits, no way.

CC/Denver. I don't care what people say, they are the same school. Both suck. Next.

I did wear a Gopher jersey a couple weeks ago. It made many people mad or annoyed or ashamed or something. That's a major plus cause pissing people off is always fun. Plus Stu Bickel could teach me how to properly flick off the opposition. How awesome is that? Still though, it's Minnesota. That's a major negative. Minnesota is a way better state than Wisconsin, but Minnesota the school is just retarded. Screw them.

So ultimately, I can't change teams. Much to the joy of other teams' fans I am sure. UND is gonna play UNH this weekend and damnit, they are going to sweep. Mainly because I'm going to have to miss the Saturday game.

Muskrat House

2007-11-05T21:08:00.000-06:00

Muskrat House? Wha???? Muskrat House is one of the interpretations for what the name Wisconsin means. How completely asinine and stupid is that? It's right up the alley of everything that is Wisconsin. It totally sucks.

So when I went to Michigan Tech there were lots of moments that were completely awesome. UND smoking Tech 6-0 on Saturday. Getting kicked out of the Tech Student Section. Ripping on the crappy nachos. Dolphins with legs sewn on and respirators so they can breathe. These were all great times. But there were two moments that stood out far and above any others on the weekend. They were:

Is there anything quite as beautiful as a sign announcing you've left Wisconsin? I don't think so. Obviously Wisconsin is just a terrible state and no one likes it. But why don't people like it? Why does Wisconsin suck? Surely there are more reasons than "it just does." Well here are those reasons according to all sorts of people:

A sign found in Wisconsin said: Open Everyday! 7 am-8pm (Summer Until 9 pm) 8 Days a Week Major Credit Cards Accepted - The Darkness

Every single one of the douchebags that live there worship the Vicodin popping, drunken grease monkey, hick that plays for their favorite team - Dirty

They play in a "dual purpose facility". I'm guessing the two purposes are to suck and blow. - Bakunin/Santa Lucia/GopherFan18/asterick hat/27 other people

They don't have a decent hockey team, professional or otherwise. - Brenthoven

The City of Ashland had a detour for absolutely no reason. There was no road construction. There was no accident. There was nothing. They had a detour because they suck. - Dirty

No alcohol sales in Madtown after 9 PM. - Twitch Boy

The colors on the Packers uniforms really clash with each other. - Brenthoven

If you're waiting for a ride back from State Street at 1 AM and you're trying to keep warm in the entryway of the museum next to the capitol building, the police will think you've robbed it. Even if you're wearing a full Pep Band uniform and a giant hot dog on your head. I almost became the second Pep Band member to end up in police custody. - Twitch Boy

They think Miller High Life is indeed the pinnacle of good beer. - Brenthoven

The men actually have more teeth than the women, although the men have less tattoos. - Brenthoven

The stupid 8.5x11" max sign size in the Kohl Center - MeanEgirl

Madison residents have more pinball machines per capita than any other city in the US. (This isn't a bad thing per se; I just suck at pinball.) - Twitch Boy

They think blaze-orange overalls is their "Sunday Best." - Brenthoven

Almington - MeanEgirl

Packers, Brewers, Bucks - The Darkness (You forgot Badgers, Rob Green)

You need a Master's in Linguistics to pronounce a typical Wisconsin last name, Wojekewowskiewicz for example. - Brenthoven (Bonus points for the ethnic hatred exhibited towards Poles)

Cheeseheads like to boink deer and dead people. That's just nasty and wrong. - Dirty

No NHL team - MeanEgirl

*If anyone has any more reasons to add, I'd be happy to add them.

UND Hockey: The Winslow's Edition

2007-10-30T17:28:00.000-05:00

Did anyone else think Family Matters was a great show? Did anyone else think Andreas Vlassopoulos was awesome as Urkel? How about Brian "Eddie" Connelly's best friend Scott Thauwald aka Waldo Faldo? Well then let's all talk about our favorite episodes. I've got a few:

Driving Carl Crazy. Carl is having stress problems, so he goes to the doctor. While in the waiting room he finds a pamphlet that offers advice of saying "3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me?" when he feels stressed. Instead of talking to a doctor about his obvious health issues, Carl decides to take this advice instead. Great move by Carl. Later on in the episode Carl attempts to teach Urkel to drive. Urkel, being the annoying nerd that he is, just irritates the hell out of Carl until Carl attempts to murder Steve. He chases Urkel around Urkel's POS car and then attempts to tip over the car when Urkel enters it. The attempted murder of Urkel is a frequent theme of Family Matters you may remember and lead to much laughter for all. Instead of murdering Urkel though, Carl nearly kills himself via stress because he had to take the pamphlet advice instead of a real doctors advice.

Robo-Nerd. Urkel creates an Urkelbot. To the surprise of no one, Urkelbot falls in love with Laura because Laura was a stone cold fox. In an attempt to get Laura all to himself, Urkelbot ends up locking Urkel in the closet. He could have locked Urkel anywhere, but he locks him in the closet, that's just weird and kinda poetic or something. No idea why. I do really wonder why Urkel was living with his parents who hated him and continued to go to High School when he could invent things like this on a whim. He was some sort of genius nerd, but he never used these skills to actually do something with his life. Why not? It is dumbfounding to me. What was the deal? He could have sold all his inventions, become a millionaire and been Laura's sugar daddy. For being such a genius, why didn't he ever think of this? Urkel sure was dumb for being so smart.

Surely, You Joust. Urkel and Carl get in a fight. So logically they go on American Gladiators to settle their differences. Or something. Really this was just a pathetic cross-promtional gimmick or something. I mean if Navy Seals regularly got their asses owned on this show, are we really supposed to believe that a 5'6" 300 lb. cop and a string bean uber nerd wouldn't be killed on the show? Urkel would have been broken in half on the Breakthrough & Conquer and Carl would have died of a coronary trying to climb The Wall.

How the West was Won. Coach Lubbock's contract runs out and he is fired. When Mike learns out about this he begins to gather signatures but when this measure fails to bring Coach Lubbock back, Mike organizes a sit-in and Maggie reports on it. Coach Lubbock still gets canned though.

Hey wait, that wasn't from Family Matters, it was from Growing Pains. Ummm, nevermind that one I guess. Though that episode was important in the TV sitcom world as it led to the show Just the Ten of Us. This was a cool show that got canceled way to quickly. I blame the politics that were TGIF. Graham Lubbock just couldn't catch a break. He gets kicked off one show only to get his own show. What happens? After being awesome for three years, he gets canned from that show too. What a screw job.

What does any of this have to do with the UND-Colorado College series you ask? Well nothing I guess, at least not the Just the Ten of Us part. I just thought this was a forgotten show that deserves some recognition.

Sioux sweep this weekend.

This Entry Sucks

2007-10-22T17:46:00.000-05:00

Not surprisingly I'm already getting tired of doing these stupid things. So yeah, we'll see what happens here.

Michigan Tech is supposedly the new super good team in the WCHA. Well isn't that super? I don't care. They are going to lose this weekend because they won't be able to score on the best defense in the country. So suck on that.

They obviously don't have enough to do in Houghton as evidenced by this stupid giant snowball. What an utter waste of time and how totally pathetic. They were going for a World Record for, obviously, the largest snowball. I don't remember if they got it and frankly I don't care.

Here we have the Tech club Water Polo Team. Yeah, enough said. Water Polo is completely awesome and this picture has nearly ruined my appreciation for that awesomeness. I am forever traumatically scarred. Screw you, Michigan Tech.

Tech students with Lewis Black. Way to be 8th grade cool and flick the camera off guys. Notice the moronic shit eating grins on everyone's faces but Black's. That's because he knows how utterly moronic this is. What a freaking waste. Black looks utterly miserable and I don't blame him.

So the games. Sioux will sweep again because they are just better than Tech. Plus they are pissed from last year's debacle. Oshie and Duncan each get three goals on the weekend and Kaip scores at least one. JPL might give up his first goal of the year or he might not.

Let's see if we can get even less comments on this one. Since when I put actual effort into these entries, I get nothing for a response but Goon's horrible abuse of the English language, I figure why care any more?

You people do realize that the letter "R" is part of the alphabet, right?

2007-10-14T17:08:00.000-05:00

First of all, lets get this out of the way. Why can't these idiots pronounce r's? It really isn't that difficult. It is just pathetic the way the English language is routinely butchered (never on this blog though obviously).

UND plays Boston College and Northeastern this weekend. I really don't feel like talking about Boston College much right now. Maybe I will later, but as of now pretty much screw them. I will say a couple things about them just so to keep up my high standards. The Eagles have pretty much no experience at goaltending. Because of this freshman John Muse played at the Ice Breaker tournament. I have to give him credit. Being a world renown naturalist wasn't enough for him, he also had to go to a snooty catholic college to play hockey. Plus he's like 170 years old. Just awesome!

On to Northeastern. I could of course talk about this guy. But he sucks, so screw him. Plus he has nothing to do with the hockey game and having something to do with hockey is a very important aspect in things I talk about.

I know absolutely nothing about this team other than the fact that they are named after cardinal directions. To me, this is always a bad sign. Just like you wouldn't attend a school that takes it's name from a porn star, you shouldn't want to attend a school that takes it names from directions. I mean really how silly would it be if you attended "Drive three miles down this road and then hang a left when you hit Washington Avenue then drive about a quarter mile until you see a Pep Boys. Take a left right after the Pep Boys and drive down two blocks. The store should be on your left side University"?

Actually, I do know a couple more things about this crap filled University other than it's poor name choice. I know that they like to steal other schools logos. For proof of this only has to look to the left to see that they blatantly rip off Nebraska's logo. It wasn't enough for them to rip off Nebraska's logo just once though. Oh no, they had to do it twice by puting a dog in their second case of copyright infringement. Seriously, how difficult is it to come up with your own unique logos? You aren't a high school, you could actually put some effort in and come up with something of your very own instead of just copying those of a well known University. Show some damn pride in your school and what it can do you bunch of hacks. Sure your name is absolutely horrible, but don't let that hold you down. Break the stereotypes and do something.

I attempted to have this very same discussion with Ryan Ginand when Northeastern came to UND in 2005-06. I asked him why his school had to copy Nebraska. He wanted none of the conversation and instead just called me ugly. I think this may have been partially due to me calling him Ginard due to a misprint in the roster, but who's to say for certain one way or the other?

I should give Northeastern some credit though. They do actually have a few logos that are all their own and show no evidence of rampant thievery. This one is my favorite. Paws, Northeastern's mascot is about to pounce on the city of Boston and cause untold amounts of structural damage not to mention scores of deaths of innocent civilians. I mean think about it, you are just some random schmuck minding your own business when some huge ass husky appears in the skyline. You run in absolute terror, but to no avail. Paws has seen you and thinks you look tasty. You are as good as dead.

Is this really the image Northeastern wants to project? That their mascot is going to destroy buildings and eat people? Now I admit I'm not in public relations or anything, but I don't think having your mascot destroying homes and eating it's inhabitants is a good way to endear yourself to potential customers. Maybe I'm wrong though.

I think a local area school/university should subcontract Godzilla or Mothra to control the threat of Paws. Imagine the photo-op that would result if say the president of Tufts signed King Ghidorah to defend the city against the menace that is Paws. He'd get a key to the city, be the Grand Marshall of the St. Patty's day parade and be worshiped alongside Tom Brady's jock. What a story that would be.

Hall of Fame Game and JS is Lame

2007-10-09T18:30:00.001-05:00

This dingbat above is known as Johnny Spirit and is supposedly some sort of Michigan State Super Fan. A couple notes here about Johnny.
First, he needs to put on same damn pants as he looks like a total dink.
Second, nice bike hat. It's awesome how he even got the brim bent up in an attempt to be at his utmost coolest. But despite this effort, he is obviously not cool. There are oodles of Michigan State fans in the background and not a damn one of them is paying him any attention. Even that kid in the orange hat thinks he's a douchebag.
Third, why the hell is he wearing gloves? He wear no shirt. He wear no pants. Yet he make it a point to wear gloves? What is wrong with him? Not only does he wear gloves but he also waves around crappy ass twelve-cent pom-poms. He looks like he should be in the church bell choir with the way he's holding those things.
Fourth, he has his stupid flag mounted dead center in the line of his vision. That's a truly brilliant move. Nothing like purposely placing a big ol' post right in front of your face.
Fifth, he is riding a women's bike. Yep, you read that correctly, Johnny Spirit is riding a women's bike. What a gutter monkey.
Sixth, back in 2004 this loon had his flag stolen. Who really cares about that though, the article reveals that he has been doing this same stupid crap since the early 90's. Seriously? Since the early 90's? How big of dweebo is this guy?

All these things point to one very obvious thing. Johnny Spirit needs to find a hobby outside of running around nearly naked at Michigan State Sporting Events. Being the kind hearted person I am, I have decided to help Johnny Spirit out with this. Here are a few ideas of what Johnny should be doing instead of emotionally scarring small children with his lack of attire:

Collect Stamps - This is an oldy, but goody. Who doesn't enjoy collecting stamps?................Exactly, collecting stamps is lame and stupid so it matches your personality perfectly.
Rake leaves for the elderly - It's all part of the devious plan. You rake their leaves and then when you go into their house so they can pay you, you steal their Life Alert pendant.
Operate a Meth Lab - By the looks of it, you've obviously done a large amount of it. You may as well try to make a profit off your debilitating habit.
Write a novel - Become the next Ernest Hemingway and write classics like The Old Man and the Sea and For Whom the Bell Tolls before committing suicide. On second thought, skip the novel part.
Become a tutor - Just think how rewarding it will be to help Casey Pierro-Zabotel get into a Community College.
Be a Big Brother - You could take Jeff Lerg on his first roller coaster.
Do Jigsaw Puzzles - Another opportunity to steal old people's pensions and Life Alert pendants.
Take up Cross Dressing - At least you'd be wearing clothes. That would be a definite plus.
Build Model Cars/Ships/Airplanes - This will keep you inside for long periods of time and away from a grateful public.
Become a Cloud Watcher - Good God, this sounds even worse than stamp collecting. Seriously, I can't even wish this one upon you.
Start Gardening - Grow a rose. Grow a plantain. Grow a tomato. Grow a pepper. Eventually you might be able to grow into a real man and get a life.
Treasure Hunting - Now this is just an awesome one. Unless you become one of those pathetic old men with the metal detector on the beach at the butt crack of dawn. Hmmm, now that I think about it, this would likely be exactly what you'd become.
Ham Radio - This is exactly what you need. It's just as dorky as what you are doing now, but it is only among other nerds.

Johnny Spirit should pick one of these hobbies or find one of his own. Ultimately though as long as he puts on some pants and gets off the bike, I'll be happy.

Oh yeah! The hockey game. I nearly forgot! Justin Johnson is from Grosse Point Woods, Michigan. My only question is wasn't John Cussack in that movie? BTW, what is with players being named Justin Johnson? I swear there are like 50 of them playing college hockey hockey. There are more and more every year. They seem to multiply like rabbits or something.

Michigan State may be the defending National Champions, but they are completely boring. I really could not care less about this team. In fact does anyone really care about this team or the university itself? MSU is just the retarded stepbrother of Michigan. It wants to be cool and is forever striving to be cool, but we all know it will never happen. I'm four sentences into my feelings on MSU and I'm already boring myself. In fact, I'm actually yawning as I type this.

This is what will happen on Saturday. UND will win this game 5-2 and Jean-Phillipe will actually make at least a few saves. The Oshie will score the GWG and the Maloney Pony II will run someone over.

I hate Hairy, Smelly, Overweight Mammals

2007-10-03T20:59:00.001-05:00

UND is playing their first game of the year on Sunday against the Manitoba Bisons (Bisons? WTF?). What we have above is a nice picture of Bison skulls and bones from 1870. Maybe it's just me, but that looks mighty impressive. They didn't even have automatic weapons back then and they still managed to completely mow down a shitload bison skulls. Think how many bison these guys could eliminate nowadays. With the dedication that they show, I have no doubts that they'd be able to wipe the entire species off the face of the map in under a month. That really has nothing to do with the game that is coming up on Sunday, it's just a cool picture.

Onto the game or at least onto not talking about the skull pile. Webster says that the plural form of Bison is Bison. So why is Manitoba called the Bisons? Do they enjoy being grammatically incorrect? I figured I should go to the Manitoba website as it could contain an answer to this question. Much to my chagrin, it didn't. Instead it just became more confusing as the banner at the top of the home page said "Bison Sports". I was even more lost now. Was it the Bison? Was it the Bisons? Were the coached by M. Bison? What the hell was going on? My suspicion was that they simply didn't know any better mainly because they are Canadians. In an attempt to confirm my suspicion I considered emailing Manitoba Sports Information Guru Chris Zuk to ask him what was up. But then I asked myself, "Do I really want to spend all that time writing an email to a guy who probably won't even respond to me?" The answer was obviously no, I didn't. I guess this means that why Manitoba is called the Bisons will have to remain a mystery for the time being.

The (M.) Bison(s) are coming off of a 14-24-0 season and are coached by some guy I've never heard of. They play in the Canada West Conference where they haven't won a title since 1964-65. That's 11 years longer than Michigan Tech and their last WCHA title. Pretty freaking pathetic if you ask me. I noticed that there are a number of spelling mistakes in the preview. This made me glad that I didn't email Chris Zuk. If he doesn't even bother to spell check the season preview, he certainly wouldn't have bothered to answer my very important question. While there was no spell checking, Manitoba did seem to randomly bold sections of the preview. That's cool, I guess. Well not really, but it does give the illusion that they actually put some sort of effort into producing the preview. After I finished reading this pathetic preview, I wondered why they even made it into a PDF. Seriously, what was the point? They spent like $200 to get Adobe Acrobat so they could save the preview in PDF format and then proceeded to type up a word document. They could've used Wordpad instead and saved themselves some money. Another huge mistake on Chris Tuk's part. This is really seeming to become a theme.

I do have to give the M. Bisons credit for one thing though, their tickets are cheaper than hell. $35 for season tickets. It's gonna cost someone off the street $27 for this game and Manitoba is selling season tickets for $35. Not only that, but you can get season tickets for every sport for only $75!!! That's a freaking sweet deal! Also the order form takes full advantage of Acrobat's capabilities. This tells me one thing, Chris Tuk wasn't in charge of getting the order form done.

An Update? What the Hell?

2007-09-13T22:08:00.000-05:00

So UND's roster has been updated and we now have pictures of all the players. How utterly exciting. This year is a bit disappointing though as the players are all just wearing the same Under Armor type shirt. Last year was much better as all the players wore suits. This was improved by the fact that some players seemed to forget their suits and had to share. In fact Robbie Bina and everyone's favorite All-American Golden Boy, The Oshie, enjoyed wearing the same suit so much that they got arrested together later in the year. That's true team unity.

I'll just cover the freshman as they deserve the most taunting because they are freshman.

Derrick LaPoint looks like a blonde haired Ferris Bueller. And why does he appear to be wearing a shirt under his shirt? That makes no sense. I attribute it to him being from Wisconsin.

Brent Davidson appears to be gunning for Dan Kronick's coveted spot of fugliest WCHA player. He was a late signing and is a buddy of Chay "Don't call me Charles" Genoway (GEN-o-way (or is it JEN-o-way? Oh who the hell cares)) .

Evan Trupp needs a haircut and appears to be growing some sort of peach fuzz mustache. Hmmm. Here's a tip Evan, when your grandma's mustache is more impressive, you really shouldn't have one.

Matt Frattin.....Dude....wha? I did what last night? DUDE! No way. Man I was so high. I can't believe that cop. He was so awesome though.

Brad Malone Looks like some sort of overgrown leprechaun. CPZ Look Out!! The Maloney Pony II is comin'! He's comin'!

Jake Marto Looks distinctly like Luke, a guy who had his couch burned at the old REA while students were waiting in line to get into a Gopher game.

Here is the Proof That Hollywood Likes Me Better

2007-07-29T15:17:00.001-05:00

LetsGoMavs has been constantly harassing me for no good reason. I said that I got a Chris Clark jersey and she would not believe me. Well here is the jersey:
Since I can already hear her saying "Well where does it say Clark? I don't believe you! It's not a Hollywood jersey!" in that annoying womanly nagging fashion:
Since she'll next say "How do I know that jersey is yours? There is no proof! Blah blah blah. Nag nag nag.", here is the Hollywood jersey with all of my Sioux jerseys:
Lastly, LGM will say "Why are the numbers on the shoulders white on purple? They should be white on black! Are you retarded?" Yes, I realized this after I got the jersey back with everything sewn on and yes I am a retard for not having noticed this beforehand.

You may say none of this proves that Hollywood likes me better. That is why I have the following in full resolution:
Notice how it is signed #1 rather than #28. This signed puck will be a true collector's item when Hollywood becomes the unquestioned ruler of earth in 2023.

Reason #2 Casey Pierro-Zabotel Sucks: He can't pass his ACT

2007-07-17T19:06:00.000-05:00

CPZ's Senior Picture

I hoped that making fun of the Hyphenated Dweebo would become a frequent occurrence and it's beginning to look like that might happen. Zabby Dabby Doo as he likes to be called evidently couldn't pass the NCAA stringent standards and is therefore spending the fall semester playing for Merritt, the junior team he has played for the last three seasons, to work on enhancing his brain power.

This is simply dumbfounding to me. How can you not meet the NCAA's standards? Aren't the NCAA standards pretty much equivalent to being able to tie your shoes and cross the street by yourself? There are currently football players at the University of Texas who are dumber than a melted box of chocolates. Despite this, they still managed to qualify for college. How is it possible that CPZ can't meet these standards? And if he can't meet these standards and yet Michigan Tech still accepts him, doesn't it bring into question their standards? This guy probably wouldn't even be accepted to West Beverly High but Michigan Tech is willing to bend over backwards for him? WTH? What a joke. Even Mankato is embarrassed by Tech's low standards. If this isn't reason to kick them out of the WCHA, I don't know what is.

If there is one positive to this whole situation, besides winning me the bet that is, it's that CPZ can now work on those subpar interviewee skills of his.

WCHA Official Proclaimed Grandpa Douchebag

2007-07-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

So Head WCHA Official Greg Shepherd aka Grandpa Douchebag went on a tirade at his grandson's baseball game yelling at an umpire. Not only that, but he was nice enough to do it on Father's Day. That's a nice touch. I'm normally all for going on tirades and yelling at officials/umps, especially Shepherd's own demon spawn of a son Derek, but even I have standards. Getting your shorts in a bunch over a game involving a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds is pretty stupid. These kids can barely even hit an overhand pitch and this cheesy buttsquirt is yelling at the ump for calling a strike on a pitch a quarter-inch off the plate? Earth to Grandpa Douchebag, no one gives a crap about the game, especially the kids. They just want the game to end so they can go to Shakey's for pizza, so why the hell are you making such a big deal out of this? Then again maybe if you showed this kind of passion when it came to policing your crew of dunderheaded officials in the WCHA, something would actually get done properly. But I'm sure that would be way too much work for you, so nevermind.

Eventually Grandpa Douchebag did apologize. While normally that would be cool, it isn't in this case as this isn't even the first time he had a hissy fit when it comes to little kids playing baseball. Oh no because he's previously yelled at a team of 11 and 12 year olds for being on the field practicing when he and his buddies were supposed to be on the field for some stupid beer league game. He only gave a half-arsed apology for that incident though.

"[The players] were told to stay off the fields, and they would repreatedly (HELLO EDITOR? Where are you? Out smoking a joint? I'm pretty sure repreatedly isn't a word.) ignore instructions," Shepherd explained. "At the time, given the position I was in, I took the hit. I still to this day don't believe I was wrong, but I still know I have to apologize."

Ummmm, yeah. Nice half apology. What a fucking dick. That just cements his position as Grandpa Douchebag. I'm surprised he didn't whip his belt out and proceed to wail on the kids while he was at it. Then again maybe he did, the article didn't really specify.

Reason #1 Casey Pierro-Zabotel Sucks: He's a Bad Interview

2007-06-13T22:22:00.000-05:00

Pierro-Zabotel is on the left wearing what appears to be a hood ornament off of some sort of 1970's Eastern European car.

As many people already know, I have a wager with the World's Smallest Person aka Little Miss Shoebox aka The Michigan Tech Stalker aka Foxton's Secret Lover aka MeanEgirl. The last time I made a bet with her, I lost. I believe the main reason this occurred was because I didn't talk enough crap. I will not make that same mistake again and am now instituting what I hope will become a frequent theme to this blog, reasons why Casey Pierro-Zabotel Sucks. Now sure I could go with the obvious of the fact that he's attending Michigan Tech University, but what fun is that? That would be way too easy, much like your average SCSU cheerleader.

So let's kick this off in grand fashion. If you scroll down a bit here you'll see an interview with the hyphenated one. Halfway through this interview, you can just tell he has the presence of a tree stump. He's lobbed complete softballs for this interview yet he still stumbles like a drunken lemur trying to climb a tree. "The more I play, the better I play.....I think." Wow, that was simply brilliant. Look out world, I think we've got a Rhodes Scholar on our hands! Then again since Casey will never be interviewed by anyone of importance while playing in the wasteland that is Houghton, Michigan maybe it doesn't really matter that he couldn't construct a meaningful sentence even with the help of Tech's Nacho Treadmill.

Now if you look just below the link for Pierro-Zabotel's *ahem* "interview", you'll see a truly great interview, that of Brett Hextall. Now that is how you call an interview. Look at how Brett interacts with the interviewer. He makes eye contant, he responds without stammering, he just has a great on camera presence. Brett could certainly teach Casey a thing or two about it that's for sure. Of course Brett being the class act and wonderful interview that he is, had the smarts to commit to the University of North Dakota. I highly doubt this is just a coincidence.

If anyone has any other reasons why Casey Pierro-Zabotel sucks, I'm listening. I know there are millions of them, but even I can't think of them all.

I did what now?

2007-06-07T21:59:00.001-05:00

This pretty much sums up how I feel about blogs. Yet I am still creating one and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I think it will result in me being discovered and given a multi-million dollar book deal. Maybe because I think it'll help me meet the ladies. Maybe I'm just doing it because I have nothing else to do in my life. Whatever the reason, I now have a blog I guess. I'll probably rarely post and eventually just give up on the whole thing because I'll realize it's way too much work to maintain and I am incredibly lazy. Whatever though. Enjoy it while it lasts or something.